[Ed had learned a few things since the last time they talked about anything being Greek. He flinches at the question, not looking at Nico even if he is watching him now.]
Like I said, it's complicated. I don't know, okay? I don't know what I want. I did once, but-
[It wasn't fair to say it was a long time ago, not when he and Al had just spoken about it in August, but- what he wanted in theory years ago and what this had become in practice in the present... They weren't the same thing. He was going to have to own up to that sooner or later, but right now he felt like if he just kept trying, things might work out.]
all I know now is I want to stop messing up everybody's lives that get close to me. No one really gets it, I've watched him come and go so many times I lost count... Every time he came back it was like starting over with a stranger, sometimes he wanted this and sometimes he didn't- I didn't know what to do... eventually I just shut out my own feelings about it. I would do anything for him that's all that ever mattered.
[but that hadn't been enough, not when he was hurting Al this way. There was one element to all of this he just couldn't talk to Nico about, though. Something that he hadn't even had time to think about in Purg or before that, and that he'd had to consider very seriously now.]
no subject
[Ed had learned a few things since the last time they talked about anything being Greek. He flinches at the question, not looking at Nico even if he is watching him now.]
Like I said, it's complicated. I don't know, okay? I don't know what I want. I did once, but-
[It wasn't fair to say it was a long time ago, not when he and Al had just spoken about it in August, but- what he wanted in theory years ago and what this had become in practice in the present... They weren't the same thing. He was going to have to own up to that sooner or later, but right now he felt like if he just kept trying, things might work out.]
all I know now is I want to stop messing up everybody's lives that get close to me. No one really gets it, I've watched him come and go so many times I lost count... Every time he came back it was like starting over with a stranger, sometimes he wanted this and sometimes he didn't- I didn't know what to do... eventually I just shut out my own feelings about it. I would do anything for him that's all that ever mattered.
[but that hadn't been enough, not when he was hurting Al this way. There was one element to all of this he just couldn't talk to Nico about, though. Something that he hadn't even had time to think about in Purg or before that, and that he'd had to consider very seriously now.]
I just can't see myself being with him.