riverview | ☂ video; un: liches.get.stitches

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☂ video; un: liches.get.stitches

Hail and well met, my dudes.

[Despite not having much experience with this kind of video technology, Taako has adapted pretty quickly, mostly because he’s vain as hell and gets to take pictures? Of himself? It’s amazing. So the camera is centered properly, he’s got Disguise Self cast to look the way he’s supposed to, and his stupidly long hair is braided down his back. ]

I got a couple'a things I wanna ask, figured this is the easiest way to do it.

[He holds up a finger, to count the first question:]

So weird thing here, has anyone heard of this fucked up black oil that, uh, that destroys worlds, I guess? [He casts Minor Illusion and the oil, similar to what he saw in Palmon's prophecy, appears in his hand. It's thick and dark and kind of unsettling.] Listen, I'm not really sure exactly what it is, but it's bad. When I saw this stuff, shit was like it'd drowned everything in sight. And uh, the gods are gone, seems like. Which is weird as hell and might be related. This ringing any bells?

[That was the worst explanation ever, but in his defence it's a pretty confusing situation. He's trying his best.]

Second lil thing. [He holds up a second finger, dropping the illusion so the oil disappears.] What the hell are all you thugs doing for money, 'cause gotta admit, I haven't got a whole lot of marketable skills but I'm fast running out of that sweet sweet cash and would really love to not starve, you know? Toss some ideas at me, I'm all ears.

[Get it, because he's an elf.

Well at least he thinks he's funny, since he's chuckling as he clicks off the video.]

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Well like, I'm a wizard, dude.

[That seems like a reasonable place to start, if this guy is asking about witches or whatever, although he really doesn't want to repeat the "demons" =/= "wizards" conversation he had with Sera.]

And I'm pretty sure Paloma was a witch, that's how she does the whole prophecy thing. The prophecy was just like, these two worlds, one was covered in ash, completely fucking dead, and the other one had this oil shit all over it.

[And apparently the fate of reality is up to him, so that's cool.

(It's not cool).]

[Well, now that he mentions it, yeah that would make sense. So it's not all some odd get up and a "magic" trick. An actual honest to God wizard-elf.

Ronan thinks "maybe I can talk to him" at the same time as he thinks "don't tell anyone."]

So what, is she a good witch or a bad witch?

[Someone shoot him for that joke and put him and everyone else out of their misery. The stress must be getting to him.]

I've seem something like that oil shit before. It was a nightmare.

[Somewhat literally.]

No one who can make scones that good is evil.

[Sorry Ronan the reference goes right over his stupid wizard head.

And he's more interested in the oil, anyway.]

What happened? It was gunking up the astral plane last I saw it, shit looked pretty bad, but I dunno what the deal is.

It unmade a lot of things. Then it was stopped.

[Both Ronan's eyes and his voice lose their sharpness.]

How do you get to your astral plane? Scrying?

[It was stopped is the most reassuring thing he's heard since he got to this place.

It's also nice to talk to someone who seems to know their shit.]

Magic Jar. Let's me move my soul around outta my body, the astral plane was open 'cause someone was dying.

A magic jar?

[You know what? Ronan's just not going to be surprised by anything anymore. Elves, magic jars that make people soul project. That last part of Wizard-elf's sentence is the only bit that sounds familiar. He's forced to conclude, again, that he's destined from birth for a life of increasing crazy.

But hey, he'll take magic jars over being unmade.]

Do you have it with you to check the astral plane here?

Yeah, unfortunately all I could see was through the rift.

[Magic Jar is more an ethereal plane thing, it was just a quirk of timing that he was able to see into the astral plane, where the oil was drowning everything.]

There's something I'm working on, to get me into the astral plane. It's not perfect yet.

[He needs to level up first.]

[Ronan considers this. The guy is far more open than he should be but he doesn't get the sense that it's a deception.]

What do you need? A battery? Maybe I can help you, if you tell me your real name and not a joke of a username.

[The last question is dry but he's curious about the first. And the offer is surprisingly genuine, albeit rude.]

This is absolutely no joke, next lich I see is getting destroyed and this time I'm cutting the fucking thing up small enough so my umbrella can eat it.

[That sure was a sentence that made sense to normal people, and he moves on just a quickly as if not expecting the perfectly reasonable reaction of "what the fuck".]

Anyway, afraid a battery won't help. The problem is I don't have any of the shit I'd normally have to learn a new spell. I'm stuck working from memory and half-written crap I have in my spellbook.

[Also he needs to level up. Twice. But admitting "I'm still figuring out how to cast the spell" is one thing to admit, "I'm not strong enough yet" is another.]

Liches get stitches? Come on, man. That's either a joke or you're going for a song with some shit rhymes.

[That said, Ronan has to give the guy credit for enthusiasm. He's never met a lich but he probably wouldn't like one either.]

Not a literal battery, Jesus. Don't tell me you need a textbook.

The rhyme works, dude, don't harsh my buzz.

[Ronan isn't entirely wrong, though, it is a little bit a joke, but Taako's also still really pissed about the liches.]

Yeah, I need a textbook, you think I'm gonna pull a spell out of my ass? [One, that would hurt. Two, he's kind of a shitty wizard.] And it's Taako. My name.

[So far no one has actually told him about tacos, so there's that.]

Whatever.

[Don't mind him. He's a little bummed he can't get someone to check if there's a demon who might try to kill him. Again.]

You'd be surprised what people can pull out of their asses, Taako.

[The joke is just too obvious. He's going to let Taako Bell live in ignorance a while longer.]

I'm Ronan.

It's a pleasure.

[The comment halfway between genuine and joking, considering Ronan is kind of rude! But Taako is also rude so it works.]

But this isn't like fucking around with a fireball spell or whatever, I screw up astral plane shit and that's it, I'm done, dead. Been there, done that, super not into it, I don't care how handsome the Grim Reaper is.

[There are, Ronan thinks, way too many formerly dead people in his life. Jesus's biggest trick is starting to look cheap.]

Yeah, yeah. Lose your body. Soul goes poof. I get it. I can't help you there.

[Not if he needs a textbook anyway. Why couldn't it be something reasonable to like an amorphous, ever changing, blindingly magical figment of a dream?]

Glad we're on the same page.

[He isn't really bothered though, because he wasn't expecting anyone to be able to help, especially not with wizard shit.

But Ronan might still have useful information.]

When you saw it, that oil shit, how was it stopped?

Someone had to sacrifice his life.

[He pauses, recalling the indescribable grief of the moment, all too aware this is the answer no one wants to hear.]

But that was for a demon. Might not be the same for your oil shit.

[Magnus would do it, without hesitation, probably happily because it'd reunite him with Julia. So really, a sacrifice almost sounds too easy.]

Not to put down whatever shit you went through, but I dunno if a demon's powerful enough to do what I saw, especially not if, uh, it's fucked up the gods as well.

[Gods vary in strength and power, but he's pretty sure they could take care of a demon easily enough.]

How would you know what shit I've been through?

[His voice is venom and if Ronan had the fangs to go with them, they'd be bared.]

Call it whatever you want.

[This is what he gets for trying to be like, not a dick.]

You just said someone died, that's usually not great!

[Whether or not Ronan was involved isn't clear, but considering the guy seems to know about it, Taako is guessing he had at least some experience.]

You think he was the first?

[Nothing personal. Ronan's both touchy and traumatized. He's the opposite of a ray of sunshine.]

[Yeah, he's picking up on that.

'Cause this is pretty familiar, really, in a painful sort of way, but he's barely capable of navigating his own issues, he can't help some kid.]

Gonna take a stab in the fucking dark and go with no. That's usually how this shit works, in my experience.

[It's not a very elegant way of saying I get it, but the intent is there.]

Yeah.

[If someone could pack a punch into a word, Ronan would have done so right then. There's no hope of getting memories out of his head now. Brain matter and blood on his hand play in a repeating loop, along with the sensation of having the life strangled out of him.

He's desperate to end the conversation, both out of the irresistible need to hit something and of knowing he should have kept his mouth shut.]

I'll let you know if I see your oil shit.

[Taako is smart enough to know when a conversation is done, and also avoidant enough to know when he wants a conversation to be done. This is falling into both those categories.]

'ppreciate it, my man. Good luck with whatever.

[Nailed it.

Ronan can hang up on him now please.]

Same.

[Unceremoniously, Ronan hangs up and somehow resists throwing his fake phone. This has been an excellent reminder of why he hates them. But now he knows there's a wizard here who doesn't seem evil. So it's not a total loss.]

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☂ video; un: liches.get.stitches

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