I think I understand. The deaths weigh on you either way, but there's a difference. When you try your hardest and still fail to save lives, it's painful. But when you don't care about the consequences and go forward anyway....
[Their situations are different but he does know what that's like, to not care about the consequences as long as it achieves his goal]
It's an even harder hit when you remember all you've done, all you've cost. You can't escape it and you hate yourself for what you did, and it just keeps spiraling. It'll get to a point where you're reckless and self-destructive. It's hard to pull out of that, I know.
You need to find some way to prove to yourself that you can still do something good, that you can help. I don't know what that would be for you, and it's fine if you have to keep assuring yourself. But seriously, find something.
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[Their situations are different but he does know what that's like, to not care about the consequences as long as it achieves his goal]
It's an even harder hit when you remember all you've done, all you've cost. You can't escape it and you hate yourself for what you did, and it just keeps spiraling. It'll get to a point where you're reckless and self-destructive. It's hard to pull out of that, I know.
You need to find some way to prove to yourself that you can still do something good, that you can help. I don't know what that would be for you, and it's fine if you have to keep assuring yourself. But seriously, find something.