001 - shenanigans

[citharede]

[ It's three in the morning when she posts this video.

Here is Athena, hanging her head and part of her torso off the edge of her apartment building's roof and filming herself upside-down, the dark streets below outlined in streetlights and marked by the occasional pedestrian. ]

How do you do, fellow kids. [ She dangles one arm alongside her head, hanging on to her device one-handed. ] I'm super fucking bored which I didn't think would actually be physically possible on a moon in another universe, but anyway.

Who wants to go on a firefly hunt? Catch a bunch of the fuckers, turn them loose in a department store. Or an office building. Or a coffee shop. Anywhere we can get in easy and run away fast. [ She rolls over so she's filming herself against the backdrop of the night sky now, instead of the street. ]

Whoever catches the most wins something, whoever gets bit loses automatically and has to go jump in the river.

Comments

[citharede]

[ MORNING JEFF. She is sprawled on her bed now, eating a pair of edible underwear from last month that she rediscovered STILL SAFELY PACKAGED in her belongings. ]

You have no direct evidence that I've acted on any of this.

[bardish]

...okay, that cannot taste good. Those things are everything bad about Fruit Roll-Ups-- no, it's worse than a Fruit Roll-Up, which is already bad enough as it is! You get none of the joy of fresh fruit, and none of the satisfaction of real candy!

[ Why are you doing this to yourself? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO HIM?

Okay, okay, Jeff. Let's get back on track here, even though edible underwear is super gross and not worth the calories!! ]

I have you on conspiracy to commit shenanigans! This whole post is evidence!

[citharede]

Fruit Roll-Ups are the invention of a genius. [ SHE TAKES A BIG BITE and makes a show of stretching the underwear until the piece she has her teeth in snaps off.

And then she chews slowly and with relish. ]

You've got nothing, Calhoun. Circumstantial evidence. Can't convict a girl of thought crimes!

[bardish]

They're the invention of a sadist! No wonder you like them so much.

[ AS YOU ARE, IN FACT, A SADIST. Jeff cringes and shields his eyes from the offending sex candy. ]

I'm no lawyer, Athena, but I'm pretty sure there's a difference between 'thought crime' and 'actively planning a crime.'

[ He pauses. ]

Is it even a crime, though? Mischief. We'll downgrade it to 'actively planning a mischief.'

[citharede]

Sadistic genius. I take that as a compliment.

[ She rolls onto her back and sticks her feet into the air, humming a thoughtful tune. ]

Does it count if you don't do anything though? Or don't get caught doing anything? I never really got that part.

[bardish]

You know, I could tell you all that matters is whether or not you get caught, but instead, I'm gonna have to be a total killjoy and point out that these things tend to bite you in the ass eventually.

It's like, you spend enough time telling yourself, 'Hey, it's just one prank!' And then it's another prank, and another, and another? And suddenly you're in prank rehab.

[ Pause. ]

I might've lost track of the metaphor somewhere along the line, but you get the picture.

[citharede]

You mean the fireflies?

[ SHE KNOWS WHAT YOU ACTUALLY MEAN, Jeff, she's just being a little shit as one does. Besides, she does get the picture, UNFORTUNATELY.

She lets her legs fall to the side and lets their momentum roll her over. ]

Ugh, you and Cam are the worst.

[bardish]

Menacing businesses with fireflies is a total gateway prank.

[ HE KNOWS YOU KNOW. ]

As long as he's worse than me. [ BECAUSE IT'S A COMPETITION. Pause. ] Wait. Would being the worst of the worst mean he's the best at being the worst...?

Should I try to be worse than him?

[citharede]

[ s q u i n t ]

Don't give yourself an aneurysm. Who cares, anyway?

[bardish]

Nobody cares! I don't care! I'm just saying, like, hypothetically, for the sake of discussion...

[citharede]

[ S Q U I N T. ]

Did something happen?

[bardish]

No. Why?

[citharede]

I dunno. You're just being weird.

[bardish]

Okay, but to be fair... It'd be weirder if I wasn't being weird.

[ Just, like. Generally speaking. ]

[citharede]

...Okay that's. True, but also gives me a headache.

[bardish]

And you nearly gave me a heart attack when I first watched this video, so I think we're even...

[citharede]

Oh my goddd I wasn't going to jump off or something, I'm not stupid.

[bardish]

I know you weren't gonna jump, but it was still alarming!

[citharede]

It's not like it's the first time I've done it!

[ UHHHHHHHH shit. ]

[bardish]

[ Whyyyyyy did you have to go and tell him that? ]

Athena.

I know you've got that combo of teenage invincibility and magical talent that I really, truly admire in you, but! I'm gonna present you with a scenario I want you to take a moment to visualize.

Do you think you could carry a tune while in free-fall?

[citharede]

[ There are two answers she can give that question.

There is the snarky answer.

And there is the right answer.

She can push Jeff pretty far, but right now, she's thinking that maybe she shouldn't try. ]

I won't do it again.

[bardish]

Thank you.

[ EVEN IF YOU'RE LYING, HE APPRECIATES IT. ]