video; un: sg.rogers

[livingsymbol]

[Steve is restless and it shows. He's looking at the camera almost like he's waiting for it to jump out at him or he's challenging it in some way. While he's making an attempt to look friendly, he's also giving the network a far too serious amount of effort, like he's trying too hard at presenting what he has to say. Steve has a message and apparently it is An Important Issue.]

I'm starting a book club. If any of you have some things you'd like to share, I figure it can't hurt to get together and look at them as a group. If you're interested, let me know. I need the experience. Maybe some of you do too.


[ooc: While Steve says "book club" what he's really doing is creating meeting sessions for people to try new things using a book someone likes as a launching point. It's an interactive book club for trying new hobbies. Because Steve has to get his hands dirty at all times. If you're interested, I will make some book club related logs for sharing activities and messes as well.]

Comments

[livingsymbol]

You think I want to hear you talk about someone I love like that? Just mistakes and faults and how it's not me. It'd be all right if it was. I won't like it, but it's a hell of a lot better than listening to you talk about yourself like you've never done anything right.

I know that's not true, and it might not be what you think, but that doesn't make hearing it any easier.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki bites back another apology so hard, it makes his tongue bleed. ]

No. Of course not. You should not have to hear it.

[livingsymbol]

Don't.

[ It seems like they are both endlessly frustrating each other. Steve sees that, but he never knows how to fix it. ]

Don't do that. Not for me. You don't have to protect me from anything.

I'm angry. I don't understand how you can take all of this on yourself and forget that we're here too. To help you and to fail as much as you feel you do.

/??

[dothelokimotion]

Because everyone is dead.

[ He's not sure if he screamed that or cried it. He's certainly crying now. ]

It wasn't failure, it was me. My parents died because of me. My people suffered because of me. It does not matter how caused the final blow, it was my hand that led them there. And I cannot do it again. I cannot pretend that I am going to be better anymore. I can't pretend that. I can't lie about that.

[dothelokimotion]

[ and the shame hits him, bright and harsh and he flinches from his own words. ]

And if I repeat that — If I do it again . . .

done

[dothelokimotion]

[ Quietly. ]

I know you would have helped me.

But maybe it's time I fell.

[livingsymbol]

[ Well, now he can't even maintain the anger. Steve sighs, letting the energy fade from his body. ]

You really believe that?

[dothelokimotion]

You were the best thing I ever fought for.

I didn't want you to wake up and realize I was the worst thing you ever had.

[livingsymbol]

That will never happen.

You might not see it, but the light is still alive.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki stares at Steve, at a loss. ]

How?

[livingsymbol]

Loki, those things happened to you. Whatever hand you might have had, I have a hard time believing it was a direct one.

[ Look how distraught he is. ]

Who you are is still capable of sharing warmth and light to others.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki doesn't say anything, still blinking tears from his eyes. He doesn't bother wiping them away, letting them drip down to his chin. ]

[livingsymbol]

Come home.

[ He can't be angry after all of this. It's just not fair to Loki. ]

We don't have to talk. Come home and we'll leave it for later.

[ video > action ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki rubs his skin to the point of redness before nodding. Then he disappears in a flash of green light —

— only to appear in Steve's room. He flicks some of the dampness from his eyes, frustrated with himself. ]

[ action ]

[livingsymbol]

[ When Loki appears, Steve doesn't look surprised. He moves closer to him, resting a hand on Loki's arm to relieve some of that fretting motion. ]

You don't have to run from me.

[dothelokimotion]

[ I wasn't running from you, but he knows Steve wouldn't see it that way. And it's not you, it's me doesn't change the way it appeared, the damage caused. but he needs to say something, so a story escapes his lips. ]

Long ago, the Bifrost broke under us. Thor and myself. We hung over the edge.

[ it is a memory that used to be distorted. now it is crystal clear. the howling of the stars around them, the waterfalls that crashed over the edge. thor's distraught face and odin, holding onto his son. ]

I looked at him. Odin. I thought if he understood why I did it, I could come home. I could have another chance. I said . . . [ and his voice is so soft, so young. ] I said I could have done it. For them. For . . . all of us.

[ A long pause. ]

He looked at me. And said two things. No, Loki.

[ no, loki. and he's been haunted by that ever since. when he came to earth, he burned through the denial and anger. the depression followed when he lost his mother, when the rest of his world crumbled after. and now . . . there's only acceptance. odin was right. ]

[livingsymbol]

Could have done what?

[Steve keeps his hand in place, assuring them both that Loki is still there. He's speaking softly again. The anger is gone and while there is some tiredness in his voice, Steve remains steady and sure. Because that's who he is. Even if he doesn't really know what has happened in detail.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki looks up at steve, a faint smile. ]

I could have made them proud.

[livingsymbol]

[That is perhaps the one thing Steve does seem to immediately understand. Not why or how or anything like that. Just the simple sentiment of wanting to be acknowledged.]

I'm proud of you.

[And, because that hasn't gotten through to Loki before:]

Even if you're afraid, you've managed to step forward. You came to me when you knew it wouldn't be easy. You're kind, even if it's something you don't think about. You go out of your way to make people you care about happy, and even if it's just a few people, even if it's one person, that is still a generous thing to do. You don't have to outshine anyone else to be good enough. You are already doing those things as Loki. No one asked you to. That came from you.

[dothelokimotion]

[ his breath hitches as his fingers unconsciously dig into steve's skin. ]

Steve.

[livingsymbol]

Even if you decide not to believe it, I will. I've seen it first hand. That's what you're capable of.

That is Loki too.

[dothelokimotion]

[ That is Loki. For a moment, sweet blessed relief fills his senses, even if his eyes looked red-rimmed and worn. He presses his forehead against Steve's, finally staving off the tears, his arms circling around Steve's neck. ]

[livingsymbol]

[It's still strange to Steve to think that Loki might not be able to see the results of his own actions. He's so devoted to the idea of choice and thinking about every action as a choice that the idea of anything happening without that hard consideration is almost beyond him completely. But seeing directly how upset people get like Loki is now is a reminder that not everyone is as deliberate or proud as he is. Steve sighs, leaning in.]

You should have just come to me. You think I can't take care of myself?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki is a contradiction. He is adept at seeing the bigger picture, tracing the lines from start to finish. But he struggles when it comes to himself, unable to fully put himself in perspective. He's always been prone in seeing the worst in every situation he's in. ]

I just thought it was better than no one dealt with me.

[livingsymbol]

[Steve gives him a hard look.]

That will never be better. You're important to people. You think we wouldn't miss you if you left?