audio ☂ un:liches.get.stitches

[spellslots]

[Good morning Riverview. America's favourite wizard is here with an announcement.

America's favourite wizard is also doing his first audio only post, because he looks like shit and he's out of spell slots to cast Disguise Self.]

So, uh, what's up, my dudes? I'm gonna cut to the chase here, cause most of you aren't complete idiots and have probably noticed that some weird shit is happening and that weird shit, while not my fault, is thanks to some fucko in my world messing with magical items, so now we're dealing with the consequences.

[That fucko is Magnus, who he's throwing under the bus on this, although not by name at least.

There's a very audible sigh from Taako's end of things.]

Here's the skinny: an item with control over time has gotten its shit messed up in the portal, and that's why people are suddenly like, babies or whatever, and the folks here don't really, uh, well they don't know how to fix it. They don't know enough about the chalice, and I don't know enough about the portal, so... so we're asking for help. I'd put money on arcane knowledge getting us the furthest, but at this point I'm willing to take input from anyone who knows their science shit, too, as long as you're not gonna try to tell me that magic doesn't exist. I can guaran-fucking-tee that I'm not in the mood.

[Someone hasn't slept in two days because he's been trying to figure this out, worried about both the chalice itself and the potential that a part of the light existing in this universe could lead the Hunger to it.]

The big thing is that it needs to go back, we bring that shit all the way in here and it's gonna break pretty bad for a lot of people and this stupid cup has given me enough grief that I'm super ready to never see it again in my entire life. Anyone who wants to help should get in touch with the dudes running the portal, but if you got questions I can field 'em. Heads up, you'll get better answers if you promise me coffee.

[He's doing his Good Deed of the week, he could at least get some caffeine out of it.]

Comments

[spellslots]

[You know what, he suddenly understands how Isaak felt and that's a feeling he never wanted to have, cause Isaak was a dick.]

I'm sure you think you're real fucking special, but everyone's susceptible to the thrall.

[Even Taako was tempted by the gaia sash, and he's one of the few that can resist the relics at all.]

[axefight]

You haven't met me.

[ you bet he's fuckin' (e)special(ly obnoxious.) fight him!! ]

[spellslots]

My dude, I am this close to not even letting you near this thing.

[He's not in the mood for this.]

[axefight]

Then you'd be an idiot. I don't believe you're in a position to turn away assistance, at the moment.

[spellslots]

If I think you're gonna fuck things up even more, I'm in any position I wanna be.

[Why does he have to be the adult here.]

[axefight]

[ this is generally the sort of response he gets. he stopped giving a fuck lifetimes ago. ]

You can shoot me if you like, but it'll be a waste of time and resources.

You've got an actual problem here, and I've got two millennia of experience with anomalies of time and space, and the fixing thereof - and I plan to lend my hand this time, too.

[spellslots]

You're also the guy who refuses to admit magic is real despite the fact it's staring you right in the face, so like, sorry that I have a hard time believing you're so great.

[Especially since the chalice is magic; the portal might not be (it's inconclusive at this point) but he figures it won't be easy to solve a problem when someone refuses to admit the problem even exists.]

A lotta people died cause of these things. My sister died cause of these things, so I don't wanna hear shit about how you're bad at rules. Just tell me you won't touch the fucking thing.

[There it is. There's the sore point.]

[axefight]

[ the problem exists. exists in science.

...oh, well, why didn't you just say so. that explains some things. ]

...I shan't put a finger on it.

[ he sounds sincere, at least. ]

[spellslots]

Thank you.

[There's a muttered fucking hell after that, but just because he's incapable of not being a bit petty.

Still, there's an attachment sent to the Doctor's device, with a list of books.]

If you haven't done any research on the portal yet, this is some of the stuff I found useful.

[axefight]

[ he ignores it. it's ok, we're all jackasses here.

he picks the phone back up. ]

Ah, good.

Have you been assembling a crack chalice-extraction team?

[spellslots]

Hell no, I know I'm great, but there's no way I'm like... [unseen, he sort of waves a hand vaguely through the air, and then proceeds to not finish his sentence.] The dudes looking after the portal are way better equipped to handle that.

[axefight]

Well, that's the great thing about assembling a team, isn't it. No skills necessary. That's what the team's for.

The portal dudes [ dooooods ] haven't managed even that much, yet.

[ he perhaps doesn't have very much faith in the people manning the portal here. at all. ]

[spellslots]

I mean, that's cause I offered to do this. I don't blame 'em for not wanting to deal with you dipshits.

[No offense (full offense)]