riverview | [video | un: unbeatablesg]

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[video | un: unbeatablesg]

[The video starts, showing a young woman with a bright bucktoothed grin, wearing a squirrel ear headband. There's a squirrel in a pink bow riding on her shoulder.]

Hey there Riverview. I'm Doreen Green. Also the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl. Normally, there's kind of a whole secret identity deal? But between showing up in costume and all the scans it...didn't seem really like it would work out here.

This is Tippy-Toe [The squirrel hops off Doreen's shoulder so the camera can get a better look at her.] She's my best squirrel friend and also the most awesome squirrel on this or any other planet. This is absolutely true, and I won't hear anyone say otherwise.

...well technically I will, since it's not like I'll suddenly go deaf if someone does say otherwise. I'm just going to ignore them.

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[ He had a fair deal of superheroes he met here and even befriended so this doesn't surprise him at all, although seeing someone being so bravely upfront about her identity is also unusual and totally up his valley on things he likes. ]

Hey hey hey hey I'm Jyushimatsu! Hi to you both!

[ And that squirrel is really cute! He pokes at the screen with a sleeve-covered finger, wishing he could pet squirrel in real life! ]

A bunch people are open about their hero-ness here as far as I know so don't worry! Just be careful that some crazy cultists don't try to kidnap you!

If they tried I'd probably just kick their butts.

[ Hey. Hey... he likes you. ]

We already did when half the city was kidnapped by them, but if they tried again I'd like to see you in action!

Do you have super cool powers?

Heck yes I do. I've got all the power of squirrel and girl. Plus computer science powers.

[ It sounds... terribly vague and he's only shooting in the dark, but he will try. ]

With that do you mean you can do everything a squirrel does? [ Well, she's got buck teeth. And an actual squirrel, which he points at. ] And you can talk with other squirrels like your buddy?

Yep. Proportionally anyways. So superstrength, superagility, superspeed, supersenses. Plus claws for climbing, and I can chew through solid steel. I try not to do that one very often, though, because steel really doesn't taste good.

Oh, I can relate with that! Steel really does taste nasty! Can't recommend it!

[ ... Yep. ]

But anyway, you've got really cool stuff going on there! I bet you kicked a lot of ass back home!

Oh, I do. I kick so much butt it's part of my catchphrase. I kick butts and eat nuts.

...

Whoa! I never heard such a cute and yet powerful catchphrase before! [ He laughs. ] How many butts did you kick in your career?

A lot? I usually like to talk people out of committing crimes, but some people just don't listen.

I beat up Doctor Doom twice, I beat up Deadpool twice, I once beat up the Avengers when they were brainwashed...

Oh, and I took down Thanos one time. He's this big purple alien who's got this whole thing for universal genocide, so he definitely deserved it.

-whoa, wait, Thanos as in the raisin with a gold glove?

[what the fuck]

That's him. Not a clone, robot, or robot clone, either.

He didn't have the glove, though. Talked a big game about it, but he wasn't wearing it. Considering what he does when he *does* have it, there's no way I could've beaten him by myself if he did. Not without a *massive* amount of help.

[ Look which piece of trash is skidding in here to support his pal's pal. ]

Doreen Green is legit, Sam! Also, her companion Nancy Whitehead shares this Ultra Hip status.

Nancy is the one who got me Ultra Hip status.

[Because if there's one thing Loki and Squirrel Girl agree on, it's that Nancy is awesome and everyone should know it.]

Did she come with you or is this a New Avengers reunion? Billy is here, as is Teddy.

She's not here. Which, let me tell you Loki, actually really sucks.

[Because, again, Nancy was awesome and everyone should know it.]

Chipmunk Hunk, Koi Boi, and Brain Drain aren't here either. It's just Tippy-Toe and me.

[ None of these names ring any bell but who... cares... he'll believe her on the account she's got an awesome catchphrase. That's it. He whistles at the description of Thanos. ]

If you beat him up, does that make you the strongest hero in the universe?!

[ HE'LL BELIEVE IT. JUST BECAUSE OF THE CATCHPHRASE. ]

Nah. There are plenty of people stronger than me. Everyone's got strengths and weaknesses, though. And I am pretty good at working them out and finding out how to take advantage of them. Even then I can't always do it by myself.

Sounds reasonable enough! If you're way too strong then things would be boring! Like the protagonist of an anime who's already way too powerful for every enemy in his way, on top of having a dark and broody personality and a tragic backstory! Boring!

You are way funnier and more interesting so I'm glad you're here!

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