riverview | @b.crusher

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@b.crusher | video

[Nine years. Nine years since she stepped back through the portal, nine years since she returned to the Enterprise, nine years that inevitably faded some of the memories of this place - but not everything. The faces she knows. Even if she forgets now where that cute little corner market was or what the hell half these gifs and memes mean anymore (if she ever understood in the first place) Beverly never forgets a coworker, a patient, a friend. And she left them all in such a hurry. The portal's connection to her time and place had been tenuous, she had to go then, or risk losing her chance to go home all together.

And now... now she's back, exhausted by the weight of war and the toll of death, new lines etched into her face. When the portal specialist told her it had only been a week since she'd left, she had to laugh. Of course. It seems this place isn't ready to let go of her.

Though not typically a frequenter of the network, it is the easiest and quickest way for her to contact multiple people at once. She doesn't want anyone (else - apologies to Lucretia) to be caught unawares by her sudden reappearance, so she leaves a quick video message:]

Good Morning. This is Dr. Beverly Crusher [of the USS Enterprise no more] reporting that I have returned to Riverview.

[For god's sake, woman, this isn't a mission log. She offers a smile - it's a little sad, but a smile nonetheless.]

I wanted to apologize to those I left without proper goodbyes. I hope you got my messages, at least. I'll be at my apartment for the rest of the day if anyone wants to stop by. Thank you.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Throughout the intake process, Beverly had been impatient and curt with the poor specialists. She doesn't need an orientation and doesn't want to give them any damn updates on her portal experiences right now, she just wants one thing: Lucretia. She'd known from the beginning that it was going to be hard to leave her but she had no idea how much Lucretia had already changed her. It's not that she regrets going home - even with all the turmoil, she can't regret that, ever, if for no other reason than the chance to see what Wesley became - but it was a rare day that she didn't find herself thinking about Lucretia, missing her, wondering how she was doing, if she got to go home too. Her love for her remained as integral part of her as her love for Jack.

As soon as she was okayed to leave, Beverly burst out of the orientation center and hurried to her old apartment. As she gets closer, however, doubt trickles in and she slows her pace. What if Lucretia isn't even home? She works at Gramayre but Beverly no longer has her schedule memorized. She should have called or texted. Oh, but she wants to hold her and see her, not just hear her. Even worse, what if Lucretia's angry with her? Or what if... what if Beverly's changed too much? What if she's been holding onto the memory of something that can't ever be entirely reclaimed again?

By the time she gets to the door, she's a bundle of nerves and for a moment, her hand hovers uncertainly over the doorknob. Should she knock first? It is her apartment too, she has the keys but... it doesn't feel right. Before she can decide, the decision is made for her as the knob begins to turn.]

(Oh, it's been a hell of a week.

Thankfully (?) Lucretia doesn't think she's ever made it completely out of a state of something akin to shock and denial; too easy to forget your girlfriend isn't coming back home at the end of the day when you return every night to the apartment you shared with her. To the bed you used to sleep next to her in.

She takes her things out onto the couch and sleeps there, fitfully. She feeds the kittens and makes herself go to work anyway and ignores a lot of texts and calls. It's... a lot easier to ignore things like this, is what she's always found. It's much easier to put up walls and seal yourself in, it's just like casting shields. You do your spells, and you protect what is vulnerable. She knows she can't keep it up forever, that she'll have to sit down and address the hollowness inside of her eventually but– not now, not yet, just... a little bit longer. She doesn't want to start to cry about this. She thinks that if she does, she may never stop.

Several times she considers feeding Beverly's goodbye letter to Junior, if only for a minimum fifteen minutes relief from ever knowing the thing had existed, but it's a petty thought. If she did, she wouldn't be able to get it back. So she doesn't do that, she sort of carries it around with her instead, folded up in a pants pocket or tucked into her sketchbook, not to re-read but just to know that it's there. She can't work out how she feels about it. She's thinking vaguely of that this morning while she gets ready for work in a haphazard fashion, exhausted from lack of sleep; she had an old, familiar nightmare last night. Admittedly, it... may be time to reach out. She tucks her bag underneath of her arm, resolves to call Taako if she has another nightmare tonight, and opens the front door–)

... Beverly?

(There she is, her hand outstretched as if to take the door knob. Almost as if she had never left, but Lucretia immediately notices that she's changed. She's older. There's something different about the way she stares back at Lucretia, who reaches out hesitantly, her hand trembling, to lightly touch her fingertips to her cheek. Checking if she's real. She's been here for more than a year now, she knows how this fucking place works.)

(A small, soft oh! is all she can manage, at first. Everything she planned to say evaporates in an instant and she stares at Lucretia as if she's a ghost or a dream. She's had so many of them before, dreams of Lucretia smiling, dancing, doodling, dreams of her crying and shouting and fighting. Only this time, she's real.

Beverly's eyes well up with tears as she presses her cheek into Lucretia's hand. Closing her eyes, she murmurs:)

I missed you so much.

... Where did you go?

(Lucretia's voice can only come out in a whisper over the lump in her throat. She drops her things on the floor, and cups Beverly's face in both her hands, stroking her cheek with her thumb. To have her home again just like that, after a week's heartache– is it really so simple? Her heart is racing.

Beverly has tears in her eyes. She must have gone home and come back again, as Loki had done, but... 'I missed you so much'; as did Lucretia, but not so much to come to stare at her lover as if seeing a ghost.)

And for how long?

I went...

[Home. It was supposed to be home. But Ronin took Caldos from her and now Shinzon took away the Enterprise. Opening her eyes, she takes a deep breath and starts again.]

I went back to Kesprytt. To get Jean-Luc. And then... I've been on the Enterprise for the past nine years.

Nine years?

(She is different. Lucretia hesitates for a moment, suddenly uncertain. Nine years is a long time, long enough, certainly, for feelings to change. Is everything between them still the same?

She drops her hands from Beverly's face, leaves them to hover between them. If it's been too long, if things with Jean-Luc worked out, if Beverly had come back to connect with one of the many that love her, where does she fit in now?)

Um, (she says, and blinks, and has to reach up to thumb a few tears quickly away, fumbling, trying so hard to hide it,) you should– come in, tell me everything, please.

(Seeing the look on Lucretia's face, Beverly's stomach drops. She said the wrong thing, didn't she? She shouldn't have mentioned Jean-Luc. At a loss, she simply nods and follows Lucretia inside. It's strange, being in here all these years later, in this apartment that became a home away from home for her, once Lucretia moved in.

Mrrrp! Agatha comes trotting up and rubs up against Beverly's leg, as if nothing has changed at all and Mama's home to cuddle with her, right?)

Agatha! (Beverly scoops the cat up in her arms and presses her face to Agatha's fur. Agatha happily submits to this undignified treatment, purring loudly. Beverly kisses the top of her head.) Hmm, you are a much fatter cat than I remembered. Has Lucretia been spoiling you?

(As if in answer, Agatha lets out a loud meow and butts her head against Beverly's chin.)

(While this is all very sweet, it isn't helping with the anxiety bubbling away underneath of Lucretia's careful veneer. Beverly is talking to the cat instead of to her and she can't help but wonder if Beverly isn't trying to soften a blow soon to come. She's not sure she can handle that conversation. The various emotions that had been swelling in her all week are threatening to explode, because if, at the end of all of this, she has Beverly back but is unable to be with her? That might be the worst torture of all.

She can't even entertain it, she– has to find something to do with her hands. Lucretia crosses to the kitchen to make them hot drinks on autopilot, dully listening to her coo and fuss over Agatha. She doesn't answer Beverly's question. If Beverly is going to sit her down and gently explain to her that her feelings have waned over the course of the nine years spent away Lucretia at least wants to have a nice hot cup of coffee to cry into.)

(Damn it, Beverly, she chides herself as she lets Agatha go and follows Lucretia into the kitchen. Fifty-five years old and she still falls into that trap of joking without thinking of how it will affect other people. It's always worse when she's nervous and feeling unsure of herself. But it's never been this bad with Lucretia, even when they were both bumbling about in the beginning. There's a wall there now and she hates it.

She catches Lucretia's hands before she can reach for the mugs.)

Lucretia, I... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I left you like that. They said... (She's crying again, making it difficult to talk)they told me the portal would only be open for a few minutes and it might be my only chance to go through but... I hated leaving you, and hated even more that I'd left you without a proper goodbye. And...

(Without quite realizing it, she's gripping Lucretia's hands tightly now, as if she is scared of letting go.)

I was so terrified that I would forget you once I stepped through. But I didn't, I never did. You're a permanent part of me now.

(Oh. It's impossible to watch Beverly cry without immediately needing to comfort her; Lucretia rubs her knuckles with her thumbs, biting the insides of her cheeks. Hope wars with dismay inside of her: she hates the idea of Beverly's thoughts having lingered on her for almost a decade, but is happy she had not been forgotten.)

It's okay, (she soothes, after pausing to swallow. Once again, it's hard to talk over the lump in her throat.) It's okay, you– we've always said that if one of us had the chance to go we should take it. I'll never begrudge your leaving, ever. I promise, I–

(Beverly's clutching her so hard it almost hurts. She doesn't care. It's grounding.) I just– a letter? Really? (She smiles, a quick, tight gesture. It doesn't reach her eyes before it disappears again.) I know you only had minutes but I– I can teleport, I could have been with you in seconds.

(Her chest tightens. Really. It hurts because she knows it's true, knows she could have done better.)

I - I already had it written. (Make that clear at least - she didn't sit down to write a whole bunch of letters right before leaving, rather than using that time to be with Lucretia.) In Starfleet... because our jobs are so dangerous and we never know when we might... when we might be gone.

(She remembers that horrible, sinking feeling she felt when she got Jack's message. Like the void of space had swallowed up. And she did that to Lucretia, when there could have been another way. She was just too caught off guard, too desperate with the hope of seeing Wesley again.)

It wasn't enough, I know it wasn't enough.

Edited (punctuation! ) 2018-08-09 11:52 (UTC)

(She already had it written. She'd sat down some time ago, and penned a letter of goodbye to send to Lucretia should she ever find herself in a situation with no time on her hands at all. Just in case. It's clever, sensible, so very Beverly that it makes Lucretia's love for her flare up in her heart like a flame. She wrests her hands back, but only so she can cup Beverly's face in both again and kiss her, once, twice, before she can help herself. Even if Beverly doesn't... even if things are different, now, surely Beverly will grant her a bit of closeness after everything.)

Okay, (she murmurs, pressing their foreheads gently together. Beverly's cheeks are wet with tears underneath of her thumbs. Yes, it had hurt, but that will ease with time– and how could she blame her for her sudden departure? She'd been granted a sudden opportunity to go back home to her child, of course it threw her off.

She's slightly ashamed now, for feeling so bitter and hollow over it. She closes her eyes.)

I love you too much for you to leave without saying goodbye. (If she can impart anything onto Beverly in this moment, let it be this.) You can't– even if it's only for a minute, even if it's only for half of that, I... (a soft sniff. Her voice is very quiet now.) Next time, promise you'll call for me. Please.

(The kisses do admittedly take her by surprise for a moment. She never expected to feel Lucretia's lips on hers ever again: she'd made her choice, she'd given her up. Yet here they are again, being given a second chance. Warmth floods through her veins, a reminder of what everything they once had.

But of course, it hasn't been so long for Lucretia. She hasn't had time for resignation to set in. To her, the hurt is all fresh and new and burning.)

My poor darling.

(Beverly kisses her forehead and lets her hands come to rest on her waist.)

I don't think there's going to be a next time.

(Staying like this would be nice. If they could stay together in the kitchen, forehead to forehead, eyes closed... that would be good. Beverly's hands are warm on her waist, the kiss to her brow soft, sweet. Lucretia holds her as close as she dares.)

... What do you mean?

(Does Beverly intends on staying here? That doesn't make any sense. What about Wesley? What about Deanna, and Jean-Luc and the Enterprise– the rest of her crew? Did something happen to them back at home? She leans back, and drops her hands to rest lightly on Beverly's shoulder, watching her with concern.)

What I mean is...

(Oh, there's that penetrating look of Lucretia's, those eyes that know her so well, even nine years later. Beverly takes a deep breath and wipes at her face before continuing.)

I thought had lost you forever, had no chance of ever seeing you again, and I would continue to live with that. Even knowing eventually one or the other of us would leave and that we had agreed to it didn't make it any easier. But I never stopped loving you, not really. And now... second chances are very rare things and I want to make the most of this one.

Beverly...

(She squeezes her shoulders reassuringly, her brow furrowed. It's hard, knowing she had felt like this for so long. Lucretia almost wishes she had been forgotten, as it probably would have made things a lot easier for Beverly.)

It's only been a week for me, (she reminds her, expression softening as she seeks to comfort her.) I still love you, as I always have. I don't... want to push anything, not if things have changed for you, or if it's been too long, but you haven't lost me. Not at all.

Everything's changed.

(Everything but Lucretia. She smiles sadly. There's so much to tell her still.)

Including me. And this me wants to build a future with you, wherever that might be.

A future?

(Her smile fades for a moment, uncertainty creeping back in. So Beverly does want to stay here, for whatever reason. Surely she knows that Lucretia can't? That she needs to go home the moment the portal opens to her, just as Beverly did?)

I– Beverly, I can't stay here. Remember? (It has been nine years! She had always kept this perfectly clear, though. She swallows, smooths her thumb across Beverly's shoulder. Clearly she hasn't quite grasped the meaning of the word 'wherever'.) I don't... want to leave you, but I'm needed, back home. I have to go back and put things right.

(Beverly shakes her head. She supposes it's only to be expected after all this time that communication lines might get crossed.)

I would never ask you to stay. That's not what I meant. What I meant was... maybe I could go with you.

Go... home? With me?

(error 404!!!)

To Faerûn?

Yes.

(Now she's getting there!)

I know it may seem... impulsive, but we don't have to decide right now, I just...

(She sighs, feeling at a loss for words again.)

(Lucretia can only stare for a moment, overwhelmed by the future this presents. Beverly could come back through the portal with her, to Abeir-Toril, and she wouldn't have to be alone. She wouldn't have to leave Beverly behind, or forget she had ever known her.

They could be together. She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, and takes a hand back to wipe away tears of relief. This is too good to be true. Is this a trick?)

But– um, Wesley, (she says, voice thick,) your friends, your crew. Did something happen?

Wesley will find me.

(She says this with absolute certainty in her voice. Indeed, if she wasn't so certain on that front, she would never be able to make such a proposal, even given everything else that has happened. Now she smiles, warm and bright, not burdened troubles weighing on her.)

You should see him now, Lucretia. He's... he's become so much more than I ever imagined possible for him. He's still an explorer and a scientist at heart, as he always was, but he found a way to break through the boundaries of time and space. (She laughs, still in wonder at it all) I admit, I still don't completely understand it, but I do know that he's found his place in the universe, who he's supposed to be and that's all that matters.

(Beverly's sudden happiness and warm smile stem Lucretia's tears almost immediately and she smiles too, a hesitant little twitch of her lips. It's very good to hear that Wesley is thriving. She'd been immediately nervous for his well-being when Beverly had appeared so shaken, so nervous.

Not only is he okay, but he's broken through... time and space?)

So he could visit, (she breathes, slowly starting to piece it all together. Of course he'd be able to come and find the two of them. He'd know Beverly wherever she was, Lucretia is more than sure of it.) And I would be able to meet him? Provided he did?

Mmm-hmm. (Beverly nods.) I told him all about you, you know. About this place. I thought... I thought maybe he could find you for me, bring you a message at least, even if I couldn't Travel with him. But the portal found me first.

closed to Lucretia

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