video; un: sg.rogers

[livingsymbol]

[Steve is restless and it shows. He's looking at the camera almost like he's waiting for it to jump out at him or he's challenging it in some way. While he's making an attempt to look friendly, he's also giving the network a far too serious amount of effort, like he's trying too hard at presenting what he has to say. Steve has a message and apparently it is An Important Issue.]

I'm starting a book club. If any of you have some things you'd like to share, I figure it can't hurt to get together and look at them as a group. If you're interested, let me know. I need the experience. Maybe some of you do too.


[ooc: While Steve says "book club" what he's really doing is creating meeting sessions for people to try new things using a book someone likes as a launching point. It's an interactive book club for trying new hobbies. Because Steve has to get his hands dirty at all times. If you're interested, I will make some book club related logs for sharing activities and messes as well.]

Comments

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve raises an eyebrow at that answer, because he's started to realize that it's Loki's non-answer. ]

Uh-huh.

[dothelokimotion]

[ If he says anything else to this, Loki will damn himself. He wouldn't lie to Steve and there is only so much evasiveness afforded to him at this time. ]

Regardless — The fault is my own — [ yours, always yours, who else would it be? ] — I am sorry.

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve just frowns. ]

Is that really supposed to make me feel better?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki doesn't say anything to that, pausing. ]

What would make you feel better?

[livingsymbol]

Not that.

[ Steve gives Loki a serious look. ]

I don't care whose fault it is. That doesn't change anything. I don't want to hear that it's you any more than I want to hear that it's anyone else that made it happen. You made a choice. Fine.

[dothelokimotion]

Steve.

[ His voice cracks. ]

My choice was not to stop loving you. It was not to give you up. I still hold to those choices. My choice was — I got scared. I'm still scared.

[livingsymbol]

That's good to hear.

I don't want you to give up on yourself either. You realize that part of you is mine too?

[dothelokimotion]

[ He blinks, at a loss. Normally, he'd be quicker, more adept, but his mind is rather mired. ]

I — What?

[livingsymbol]

You think I want to hear you talk about someone I love like that? Just mistakes and faults and how it's not me. It'd be all right if it was. I won't like it, but it's a hell of a lot better than listening to you talk about yourself like you've never done anything right.

I know that's not true, and it might not be what you think, but that doesn't make hearing it any easier.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki bites back another apology so hard, it makes his tongue bleed. ]

No. Of course not. You should not have to hear it.

[livingsymbol]

Don't.

[ It seems like they are both endlessly frustrating each other. Steve sees that, but he never knows how to fix it. ]

Don't do that. Not for me. You don't have to protect me from anything.

I'm angry. I don't understand how you can take all of this on yourself and forget that we're here too. To help you and to fail as much as you feel you do.

/??

[dothelokimotion]

Because everyone is dead.

[ He's not sure if he screamed that or cried it. He's certainly crying now. ]

It wasn't failure, it was me. My parents died because of me. My people suffered because of me. It does not matter how caused the final blow, it was my hand that led them there. And I cannot do it again. I cannot pretend that I am going to be better anymore. I can't pretend that. I can't lie about that.

[dothelokimotion]

[ and the shame hits him, bright and harsh and he flinches from his own words. ]

And if I repeat that — If I do it again . . .

done

[dothelokimotion]

[ Quietly. ]

I know you would have helped me.

But maybe it's time I fell.

[livingsymbol]

[ Well, now he can't even maintain the anger. Steve sighs, letting the energy fade from his body. ]

You really believe that?

[dothelokimotion]

You were the best thing I ever fought for.

I didn't want you to wake up and realize I was the worst thing you ever had.

[livingsymbol]

That will never happen.

You might not see it, but the light is still alive.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki stares at Steve, at a loss. ]

How?

[livingsymbol]

Loki, those things happened to you. Whatever hand you might have had, I have a hard time believing it was a direct one.

[ Look how distraught he is. ]

Who you are is still capable of sharing warmth and light to others.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki doesn't say anything, still blinking tears from his eyes. He doesn't bother wiping them away, letting them drip down to his chin. ]

[livingsymbol]

Come home.

[ He can't be angry after all of this. It's just not fair to Loki. ]

We don't have to talk. Come home and we'll leave it for later.

[ video > action ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki rubs his skin to the point of redness before nodding. Then he disappears in a flash of green light —

— only to appear in Steve's room. He flicks some of the dampness from his eyes, frustrated with himself. ]

[ action ]

[livingsymbol]

[ When Loki appears, Steve doesn't look surprised. He moves closer to him, resting a hand on Loki's arm to relieve some of that fretting motion. ]

You don't have to run from me.

[dothelokimotion]

[ I wasn't running from you, but he knows Steve wouldn't see it that way. And it's not you, it's me doesn't change the way it appeared, the damage caused. but he needs to say something, so a story escapes his lips. ]

Long ago, the Bifrost broke under us. Thor and myself. We hung over the edge.

[ it is a memory that used to be distorted. now it is crystal clear. the howling of the stars around them, the waterfalls that crashed over the edge. thor's distraught face and odin, holding onto his son. ]

I looked at him. Odin. I thought if he understood why I did it, I could come home. I could have another chance. I said . . . [ and his voice is so soft, so young. ] I said I could have done it. For them. For . . . all of us.

[ A long pause. ]

He looked at me. And said two things. No, Loki.

[ no, loki. and he's been haunted by that ever since. when he came to earth, he burned through the denial and anger. the depression followed when he lost his mother, when the rest of his world crumbled after. and now . . . there's only acceptance. odin was right. ]

[livingsymbol]

Could have done what?

[Steve keeps his hand in place, assuring them both that Loki is still there. He's speaking softly again. The anger is gone and while there is some tiredness in his voice, Steve remains steady and sure. Because that's who he is. Even if he doesn't really know what has happened in detail.]