video. un: p.parker | don't drink and vlog, people

[madeupnames]

WOOOOOO—

[THUMP, CLATTER, A CURSE WORD THAT STARTS WITH 'MOTHER' THAT COMES FROM A POLITE LITTLE VOICE.]

Wheeew — Helloooo Riverview!

[There's a shuffling of feet as the familiar voice carries further away, like he's walking away from the feed. Someone calls distantly: 'Enjoy your glory years, kid!']

Thank you, sir! Where's the tram...? Which street again — Oh! I dropped my — [Dropped his phone. Oops. Right! He picks it up, squinting into the feed; Peter looks — well, drunk. He's very drunk. He whispers a little lower:] Hey, sorry, oops — sorry, it's late and I'm kinda noisy. I'll shut up. Shhhh.

[He staggers sideways in his attempt to sneak quietly, so there's that.]

Guys, I was, like, so worried about drinking? But I feel great! Mr. Wilson, thanks for helping me loosen up a little; I dunno why I was even nervous. I even did the karaoke thing on my own. Like, the thing on my bucket list? Man... It was so fun... I don't think I had that much fun in... I don't even know when. Heh. I love you guys. [He whispers in a giggle to himself, looking around and ignoring the feed for a moment:] I have noooo idea where I'm at... Oh, wait! that's Centerfield Lane, I'm doing great...!

But where's the tram again? Shit. Iiii mean 'crap'. Crap is what I meant.

Uuuuh. Hold on. [The feed blacks out again, and there's the telltale sounds of someone clearly climbing up a fire escape toward someone's roof. He's very coordinated for a drunk teenager.] There we go! I seeeee it now. Cool, awesome. Cool.

[He looks at the feed again, the background higher up.]

So I was thinking! I've been spending soooo much time moping about stuff I can't, uuuuh. Do anything about, so I was figuring... why not relax a little? I got this To Do List thing I wanna get done, and I was wondering if anyone wanted to help with it? It'll be fun!

I got stuff like — [He counts off on his fingers.] learning how to kniiit, surfiiing, learning origaaami... Holding a really big snake? When I was a kid I always wanted to face my fears and hold a snake, and I almost got a chance to, but then I remembered how scary snakes are and chickened out...!

[He waves at someone down below, sounding so happy.]

Heeeey! You wanna hug?! I have 'give a stranger a hug' on my to do list!

['Dude, what are you doing on a roof at eleven at night?!' the teenaged kid calls back.]

I'm drunk!

['I guess I can hug you?!' Peter fist pumps.]

Awesome!

[The kid down below yells back from cupped hands: 'Hey—! You're gonna break your neck up there! Get down!']

It's cool, I've got really good balance!

[He gives the guy a thumbs up. This is all still recording. Save him.]

Comments

[bardish]

[ Enjoy a panicked manly yelp-shriek. ]

Drunken rooftop parkour is not safe!

[ THIS KID'S A MENACE, LIKE SPIDER-MAN. J JONAH JAMESON WAS RIGHT. ]

Please, please, if you're gonna hang out on a roof, at least do it away from the ledge!

[ Now that the NEAR HEART ATTACK has passed, though, he has to admit: ]

Also, wow, you are surprisingly coordinated... Did you do gymnastics back home?

[ Er, wait, DON'T GET DISTRACTED, JEFF. ]

[madeupnames]

... Don't tell anyone, but I've... got powers.

[He whispers at the feed:]

Alcohol-fueled powers.

Wanna see me do handstand push-ups? M'really good at those.

[bardish]

[ Staaaaare. Peter, he hates to break it to you: ]

You and every other drunk person! I used to be convinced I could play as good as Hendrix when I was wasted! Spoiler alert: I was no Jimi Hendrix!

[ Man, he is so not good at this. Please don't fall off the roof and die, Peter, your shenanigans here are Jeff's training for the day his own daughter inevitably tries to have a booze fueled adventure. ]

[madeupnames]

Heyheyhey, you said I was coordinated!

[Hiccup.]

Jimi Hendrix is that cool dude with the guitar from forever ago, right?

[oh no you're old]

[bardish]

Yes, but: I guarantee you're more coordinated sober!

[ BOOM. You can't catch Jeff Calhoun in a logic trap! (Okay, you can, it's probably pretty easy, but at least he can... out-logic a drunk teenager, he hopes.)

And-- sigh-- he's used to kids calling anything older than 1999 ancient history. ]

That's right. One of the all-time greats, and his music's so old, I wasn't even born yet. If you come down from there, I can play you one of his albums. We can jam! With your drunken confidence, you'll master the guitar in no time!

[ YES HE'S ATTEMPTING A BRIBE, BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE A LOT AT HIS DISPOSAL. ]

[madeupnames]

I guess soooo...

Wait! You'd show me how to do guitar stuff? For really real?

[Pete, bud, there's not really gonna be much learning tonight...]

[bardish]

[ Holy shit, is this actually about to work? Is he about to talk a drunk teenager down with the POWER OF MUSIC?

Or, rather, the POWER OF THE PROMISE OF MUSIC. ]

Yes! I will! Iiiifff you stop doing drunken gymnastics and come down from the roof.

[madeupnames]

[Look! One of your plans is working!]

... Okie dokie. You got it.

[The screen goes black as he tucks the phone back into his pocket. Then there's a very distinct whistling noise (oh that's air) and what appears to be the sound of a body bouncing into trash bags. When the feed returns, Peter's back, his hair slightly disheveled.]

I'm off the roof!

[He does a thumbs up. Again. For the hundredth time that night.

Then turns slightly green in the face.]

... Ugh, that kinda made my stomach hurt...

[bardish]

Ah--

[ SILENT SCREAMING.

Excuse him, Jeff needs a moment to process the SHEER DAREDEVILRY AFOOT HERE.

how has he not had a heart attack yet ]

[madeupnames]

... Y'okay, Mr. Calhoun?

[#oblivious]

[bardish]

Fine, I'm fine, everything's fine, are you okay?!

[madeupnames]

Of course m'fine! Why wouldn't I be fine?

[He staggers a little, kicking a box he accidentally stomped into. It was a big shoe for five seconds there.]

M'on my way! Don't worry, I know how to get there! Just gotta... remember the layout...

[bardish]

'Remember the'-- [ Oh god. Does that mean... ]

PETER PARKER, YOU WILL NOT DO ACROBATICS UP MY BUILDING! You're getting a cab, like any responsible drunk! [ Aww, look at that, he's trying to use the Dad Voice on a superhero. ] I'll pay for it and everything.

[madeupnames]

[... There is no answer, just radio silence.

But there is a boy grunting as he climbs up over the lip of the balcony a while later.

He hollers at the void:]

I got a taxi!

But then I barfed on his seat and he kicked me out.

[Wow, he's really athletic and nimble for a drunk kid. Lookit him. No injuries!

hic]

[bardish]

[ Peter? PETER?? The silence is concerning! Jeff is just about to go FULL DAD and send him a thousand "TELL ME YOU'RE ALIVE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!" texts, or call Peter's friends for a status update (which really means: call Athena, since he doesn't know who else the kid hangs out with), or call every hospital in Riverview to see if there are any drunken gymnastic injuries in the ER--

But then there's movement on his balcony and Jeff's phone goes flying out of his hand as he flails in startled alarm. ]

Jesus, kid!

[ You drunken menace! Jeff's rushing out to help haul Peter SOLIDLY ONTO THE BALCONY, even though it's totally unnecessary, since the kid is really coordinated for a drunk... ]

I swear you're gonna give me a heart attack!

1/2

[madeupnames]

[He sways slightly in Jeff's hands, eyes wide and naive and dazed with a distinct lack of soberness.]

Uh. Please don't?

[Have a heart attack, that is.]

[madeupnames]

[Oh! He holds up a bag he'd apparently been carrying in one hand.

While scaling a balcony.

It's greasy.]

... I brought you a burger.

[bardish]

[ Jeff opens his mouth to respond with some assurance that he will try his best to will himself out of a heart attack tonight, but then decides better. Moving on! ]

Oh... Ahhh... Thanks? [ He takes the bag. Wow, it's so greasy it's practically transparent. ] We'll split this! [ Here, he'll just put a hand on Peter's shoulder and steer him into the apartment proper, where there's NO MORE PERILOUS THINGS TO CLIMB. ]

I do not envy the hangover you're gonna have tomorrow...

[madeupnames]

Hangover? Nooo way, I'll be great!

I'mma go get a knife to cut the baconburger.

[He starts swiveling to walk to the kitchen, slurring a little as he goes.

Good thing Jeff has his hands on his shoulders, huh, good for steering proper.]

[bardish]

[ NO KNIVES FOR YOU, PETE. Jeff steers him RIGHT TO THE DINING TABLE, using his Firm Voice for once: ]

Sit. I'll take care of the burger.

[ And he's placing a glass of water down in front of Peter soon enough (see, Jeff was prepared!), before heading to the kitchen to get a couple of plates.

When Jeff returns, he's got both burger halves on plates-- HERE, PETER, HAVE THE SIGNIFICANTLY BIGGER HALF. Jeff's not looking to eat a grease bomb at whatever-in-the-morning. ]

Eat. Then I'll teach you guitar stuff. [ To use Peter's own terminology. ]

[madeupnames]

Oh, thanks!

[Is he thanking him for cutting the sandwich? Letting him eat the sandwich he bought? Offering the guitar teaching? Who knows, he's stuffing his face with a burger.]

Thish is the besht burger, thish is the besht burger I'be eaten.

[IT'S A PRETTY GOOD BURGER. 4 out of 4 stars.

Give him a sec.]

Whaddre you gonna teash me, anywaysh?

[bardish]

[ Jeff's not touching his half just yet, in case Peter wolfs down what he's got and still wants more. The kid probably needs the filler way more than he does. ]

What do you want to learn? Any song in particular? [ Pause. ] Wait. Important question! Have you ever actually picked up a guitar before?

[madeupnames]

[He chews thoughtfully.]

... I did drums in band.

[So no. No, he has not.

munchmunchchew.]

[bardish]

[ Pauuuuuuse... ]

Do you mean in a band, ooor... like. Marching band.

[ Honestly, he's just asking strictly out of curiosity! ]

Y'know what, doesn't matter! You're drunk; everything you play will sound amazing!

[madeupnames]

Marching band! I quit it recently, but I've been thinking about going back next year. Maybe.

[The burger is fucking gone, it's just gone.]

M'ready to learn guitar, though, teach! I got what it takes!

[He gives a thumbs up.]