video. un: p.parker | don't drink and vlog, people

[madeupnames]

WOOOOOO—

[THUMP, CLATTER, A CURSE WORD THAT STARTS WITH 'MOTHER' THAT COMES FROM A POLITE LITTLE VOICE.]

Wheeew — Helloooo Riverview!

[There's a shuffling of feet as the familiar voice carries further away, like he's walking away from the feed. Someone calls distantly: 'Enjoy your glory years, kid!']

Thank you, sir! Where's the tram...? Which street again — Oh! I dropped my — [Dropped his phone. Oops. Right! He picks it up, squinting into the feed; Peter looks — well, drunk. He's very drunk. He whispers a little lower:] Hey, sorry, oops — sorry, it's late and I'm kinda noisy. I'll shut up. Shhhh.

[He staggers sideways in his attempt to sneak quietly, so there's that.]

Guys, I was, like, so worried about drinking? But I feel great! Mr. Wilson, thanks for helping me loosen up a little; I dunno why I was even nervous. I even did the karaoke thing on my own. Like, the thing on my bucket list? Man... It was so fun... I don't think I had that much fun in... I don't even know when. Heh. I love you guys. [He whispers in a giggle to himself, looking around and ignoring the feed for a moment:] I have noooo idea where I'm at... Oh, wait! that's Centerfield Lane, I'm doing great...!

But where's the tram again? Shit. Iiii mean 'crap'. Crap is what I meant.

Uuuuh. Hold on. [The feed blacks out again, and there's the telltale sounds of someone clearly climbing up a fire escape toward someone's roof. He's very coordinated for a drunk teenager.] There we go! I seeeee it now. Cool, awesome. Cool.

[He looks at the feed again, the background higher up.]

So I was thinking! I've been spending soooo much time moping about stuff I can't, uuuuh. Do anything about, so I was figuring... why not relax a little? I got this To Do List thing I wanna get done, and I was wondering if anyone wanted to help with it? It'll be fun!

I got stuff like — [He counts off on his fingers.] learning how to kniiit, surfiiing, learning origaaami... Holding a really big snake? When I was a kid I always wanted to face my fears and hold a snake, and I almost got a chance to, but then I remembered how scary snakes are and chickened out...!

[He waves at someone down below, sounding so happy.]

Heeeey! You wanna hug?! I have 'give a stranger a hug' on my to do list!

['Dude, what are you doing on a roof at eleven at night?!' the teenaged kid calls back.]

I'm drunk!

['I guess I can hug you?!' Peter fist pumps.]

Awesome!

[The kid down below yells back from cupped hands: 'Hey—! You're gonna break your neck up there! Get down!']

It's cool, I've got really good balance!

[He gives the guy a thumbs up. This is all still recording. Save him.]

Comments

[madeupnames]

[He tenses where he hangs off Quill.]

My place.

[It's a quick and defensive response, as he clears his throat.]

You don't gotta stay, I'm fine, m'really okay.

Jus' gotta drink water and sleep, right?

[nostalgiabomb]

I mean, yeah, but right now, I kinda don’t trust you to not just pass out on a tram and ride it around and around and around till you wake up this time tomorrow.

[ And also some other more practical reasons, like making sure the kid doesn’t hurt himself or choke on puke, but that’s such a killjoy card to play, and he doesn’t wanna bum the kid out when he’s drunk off his ass.

And in spite of the kid’s protests, Peter’s already hauling them in the direction of the nearest tram station. ]

Plus, I haven’t seen your place since you moved in. Did you finally do anything with it, or is it still just a shitty couch and mattress?

[madeupnames]

That's rude... You'd better 'pologize to my couch...

[He wrinkles his nose at Peter, like he's offended the sanctity of his apartment. But this is at least a new topic he can drift to, in his sloshed state.]

And my apartment is awesome, okay? I even got fanart on the fridge.

[And heck, a super awesome Spider-Man figure on his shelf. But that was Billy and his magical witch powers, bless his soul. The fanart thing was a kid who was super happy about him get his ball back out of a tree. It makes him look super cool for a kickball savior, though.]

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Another patient, almost patronizing hum.

Peter is sure your apartment is great, kiddo. Just aces.

But the important thing is getting there, obviously, and with the kid riding that line between sleepy and straight-up passed out, it’s kind of a struggle keeping him upright. He’s a little heavier than he looks, probably because of his weird mutant spider muscles or whatever, but Peter manages without too much difficulty.

With the late hour, it’s an easy enough proposition to get the kid seated to free up Peter’s hands, and he sends off a quick message to Gamora.

So here they are now: the two Peters at Casa de Parker. Big Peter sets Little Peter down on his (totally shitty) couch, not trusting him to immediately conk out the instant he’s sprawled out on his bed, and goes to retrieve the kid a glass of water.

He calls over his shoulder, ]

Don’t fall asleep yet.

If you do, I’m drawing on your face.

[madeupnames]

[Here we are, in his actually finished apartment, looking extra... teenage-y, mostly. He sits in the broken section of the couch — and begins to sink like the furniture is eating him, looking a bit distantly and slowly falling asleep.

He startles at the mention of drawing on his face, and seems more resolved to stay squinting awake. It helps that Quill doesn't have to walk far from the couch to get water (in Peter's awesome fish mug, you like it, it's pretty cool right).]

I can sleep on the couch, f'you want. The bed's not motel-status anymore, yunno?

Lookit my cool pizza pillow.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ oh look it’s a nerd den

But, yes, Peter is totally using the fish mug, because why the hell wouldn’t he? He notes the little kid’s fan art pinned up on the fridge with a quick, small smile. He snags one of the little fun-sized bags of candy from a nearby bowl and returns to offer the glass of water to the kid. ]

Yes, Peter, it’s a very nice pillow.

[ Patronizing-Lord. ]

Can you drink this without spilling?

1/3

[madeupnames]

2/3

[madeupnames]

I'm drunk, not a three-year-old, Mr. Peter Star Quill-Lord.

[Ha, suck it.

He goes to put it on the table after drinking half of it, trusting his spider senses-]

[madeupnames]

[Oop, it topples over on the table, getting his homework wet.]

Aw, beans.

[Please get more water into this child.]

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Yep.

Peter just enjoys his fun-sized Snickers bar as the this all unfolds.

Then, smugly, ]

Told ya.

[ He pops the rest of the candy into his mouth, scooping up the fallen fish mug – this, obviously, as an indignity. This mug was meant for better things than getting tossed around.

But he glances at the papers on the table, nose wrinkling a little. ]

I seriously hope that wasn’t important.

[madeupnames]

[He looks mildly forlorn.]

... Trigonometry...

[And then is just as instantly not caring, flopping over dramatically with his butt still stuck in the quicksand cushion.]

S'fine, I'll re-write it out. Or, or hang the pages on a clothes line... Heh...

[Very funny, Pete. He seems okay with this set-up until he notices the candy Quill's got in his hand, and then it's a light-switching on of interest as he struggles to get back up.]

Oh, crap, yeah — I have candy! Candy is the best medicine, yup—

[nostalgiabomb]

[ bro your couch sucks.

Plus the kid is still drunk, so Peter just kind of. Nudges him back down. ]

Drink a full glass of water first. Then you can have candy.

[madeupnames]

[It so doesn't. He huffs, crossing his arms.]

I drank half a glass!

[He looks toward the kitchen as he talks, considering the other, like, two cups he's got. But then he catches sight of Kickball Kid's fanart and he points it out quickly.]

Oh, there! There's the art a kid made me. Isn't it badass?

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Peter just snorts out another laugh while the kid throws a half-tantrum. He moves back to the kitchen to fill up the fish mug again, and when the kid points out his fan art, Peter gives a quick nod. ]

Yeah. It’s cute.

[ Maybe not... “badass,” though...

He plucks up a little back of M&Ms on his way back and holds out the mug to the kid again. ]

If you spill it again, I’m literally going to go out and get you a sippy cup.

[madeupnames]

[He tiredly squints at Quill as he takes the mug, trying to think of a witty comeback.]

... Shuddup. [Nailed it.] Are you gonna eat all my candy?

[Don't you fucking dare.]

[nostalgiabomb]

Tempting, but no.

[ He lifts the little bag of M&Ms by the corner, waving it a little. ]

I said you could have candy when you finished your water.

[ There is a fine line between bribery and encouragement. ]

[madeupnames]

[Huffffffuuuuh.

But he drinks anyway, stopping only to take off his jacket clumsily.]

It's so hot in here... what the heck... Did my AC break?

[He doesn't remember how he ends up sprawled on his stomach on the busted couch, flopping his feet up and down over the armrest. It's too much effort to untie his converse, so they're just kind of there and will be even in sleep if you let him.

But the water is drank? And now he's got unopened M&M's gripped in one hand.

So. You know. Mission accomplished.]

Pete, dude. You're so awesome... Awesome dude...

... I gotta pee.

[He starts crawling on the wall to get to the bathroom.]

[nostalgiabomb]

[ When the kid starts climbing the wall, it is, Peter briefly thinks, like something out of The Exorcist.

Peter is briefly caught between fascinated and totally baffled, but— okay. He's going to see how this pans out. He is, however, sticking close by in case the kid falls. ]

You sure goin' this way is a good idea?

[madeupnames]

Ohhh, yeah, yeah!

Sometimes I pee standing from the ceiling for fun.

[He laughs, because come on, that's hilarious.]

Look, no hands!

[He stands up fully, sideways on the wall, his eye level at Quill's to be polite.]

[nostalgiabomb]

Uh huh.

[ Okay, upside-down Pete. Peter is going to keep looking at him skeptically. ]

Fun as that sounds, maybe don't do that while you're still drunk.

[madeupnames]

Fffiiiine, fine. Gotta re-stock on my first aid kit, so I don't wanna fall face-first on nothin' anyways. [He crawls back down from the wall, and then immediately staggers and has to put his hand on the wall again. So, you know. Crisis averted.] You can go t'sleep on the bed if you want, I can take my awesome couch.

[He even shoos him as he staggers off into the bathroom. Then closes the door for privacy! You know. It's important. And yet he feels the need to talk to Quill through the door:]

You prob'ly did all kindsa' dumb stuff drunk. I bet. Totally.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Peter’s content to give the kid privacy, but he’s also the kind of guy who can’t leave a question unanswered (unless he’s feeling especially petty), so— ]

Yeah. Of course I did.

[ Duh. ]

But I usually had, like, a half-dozen guys making sure I didn’t accidentally get myself kidnapped or whatever.

[madeupnames]

... Didn't they kidnap you already? So they're, like... protecting you from getting kidnapped... from kidnappers?

[Don't make him think like this right now, man.]

[nostalgiabomb]

Yeah.

[ Bluntly, simply, in that way that signals he’s done talking about it. It’s a loaded, complicated topic, and he doesn’t like discussing it on the regular, much less to a drunk kid. ]

Don’t think too hard on it. You might hurt yourself.

[madeupnames]

[You're lucky he takes the 'think too hard' thing seriously, because he's at a place where he'd otherwise not notice the blunt tone and keep needling along like a moron. Instead he wanders back out of the bathroom with wobbly steps, immediately bee-lining for the candy.]

I think just fine. I'm a straight-A student person.

[Hiccup.

He wanders back toward the couch with a still wrapped party-sized candy bar hanging out from between his teeth. Then he flops down. And sinks a little, sprawled, as he begins ripping apart this poor innocent candy wrapper.]

I got pizza rolls, f'you wanna make pizza rolls. I fucking—

freaaaking love pizza rolls.

[... But his eyelids are so heavy, he's bound to fall asleep trying to unwrap this candy.]