audio ☂ un:liches.get.stitches

[spellslots]

[Good morning Riverview. America's favourite wizard is here with an announcement.

America's favourite wizard is also doing his first audio only post, because he looks like shit and he's out of spell slots to cast Disguise Self.]

So, uh, what's up, my dudes? I'm gonna cut to the chase here, cause most of you aren't complete idiots and have probably noticed that some weird shit is happening and that weird shit, while not my fault, is thanks to some fucko in my world messing with magical items, so now we're dealing with the consequences.

[That fucko is Magnus, who he's throwing under the bus on this, although not by name at least.

There's a very audible sigh from Taako's end of things.]

Here's the skinny: an item with control over time has gotten its shit messed up in the portal, and that's why people are suddenly like, babies or whatever, and the folks here don't really, uh, well they don't know how to fix it. They don't know enough about the chalice, and I don't know enough about the portal, so... so we're asking for help. I'd put money on arcane knowledge getting us the furthest, but at this point I'm willing to take input from anyone who knows their science shit, too, as long as you're not gonna try to tell me that magic doesn't exist. I can guaran-fucking-tee that I'm not in the mood.

[Someone hasn't slept in two days because he's been trying to figure this out, worried about both the chalice itself and the potential that a part of the light existing in this universe could lead the Hunger to it.]

The big thing is that it needs to go back, we bring that shit all the way in here and it's gonna break pretty bad for a lot of people and this stupid cup has given me enough grief that I'm super ready to never see it again in my entire life. Anyone who wants to help should get in touch with the dudes running the portal, but if you got questions I can field 'em. Heads up, you'll get better answers if you promise me coffee.

[He's doing his Good Deed of the week, he could at least get some caffeine out of it.]

Comments

@the.doctor | video

[axefight]

Oh, so this is your doing? [ he sounds pretty grumpy, himself. he lets out a LONG-SUFFERING SIGH, rubbing the bridge of his nose. ]

What is this item, exactly? What is it actually for?

still voice forever and ever

[spellslots]

Listen, I was not responsible for the chalice. I made a perfectly good transmuter's stone and it's not my fault the portal decided to bring the cup through instead.

[Everyone else: I'm gonna use this fancy object to house my segment of the light
Taako: I brought this rock]

We call it the temporal chalice and it, well... whoever's in possession of it can control time, slow it down, speed it up, stop it. Or go back and change something, rewrite history to fix a mistake or bring someone back or go down whatever different path they're offered. [He hesitates for a moment, aware of how public this is and how much he's sharing that Lucretia will inevitably know about, but they really need to fix this.] It was, uh, it wasn't supposed to be like that. We didn't realize how powerful it would be. Cause the real issue is that it really, really wants someone to use it. That's why it can't come through.

[axefight]

[ lays the phone down on something, so he can scrub his face in a properly exasperated manner. so it's now a lovely shot of the ceiling.

any protests regarding who's actually at fault seem to fall on deaf ears. ]

Yes, that would be what happens when you muck about with forces beyond your understanding or control, generally.

I know why it can't come through. I'm going to see that it's taken care of, before it's done irreparable harm to the timelines.

[spellslots]

[The ceiling is an improvement.]

We couldn't keep running.

[It's not an excuse, because he still believes they did the right thing, but it's an explanation, one that's coming from someone who's tired beyond just a few days without sleep. A hundred years of running from the Hunger, a hundred years of losing world after world and they thought they could slow it down, to save at least one more reality.]

If you can fix it, fix it, but do not touch the fucking thing. That's the only rule I got.

[axefight]

[ ... ]

Oh - wish you hadn't said that. I'm very bad at rules.

[ is that a joke, or. ]

[spellslots]

[Whether it's a joke or not, he kinda has to say:]

Okay, well, you're gonna be super good at rules when you're dead, cause I am not even a little bit above killing someone if they're possessed by the chalice.

[axefight]

[ you can't see him shrug, but you can hear the nonchalance, lightly amused. ]

If needs must.

Though, I think you'll find, I really won't be - fair warning.

[ better at rules, he means; dying's never helped him in that regard. and he's tried it over a dozen times.

but he's not actually gonna explain what the eff he's talking about. ]

[spellslots]

Do not tell me you're immortal too.

[Why are there so many immortal people, why do they seem to exist purely to make his life difficult.]

[axefight]

[ probably karma. ]

Just persistently not-dead.

[spellslots]

Join the club.

[Does he also have a magic spaceship that brings him back to life???

Probably not.]

Listen, whatever you wanna call it, the perimeter guards have instructions to shoot first, ask questions later if anyone tries to handle the cup. There are very few people who can resist it's thrall.

[axefight]

Yes, fine, fine.

[ okay, let's be (semi-)serious again. ]

You'll have to do better than a shoddy time-cup if you want to enthrall me. It's not even sexy, it's manipulative drinkware with pretensions to grandeur.

I want it off this dimension because it's dangerous and, frankly, doing my head in - I won't touch it, unless I have to.

[spellslots]

[You know what, he suddenly understands how Isaak felt and that's a feeling he never wanted to have, cause Isaak was a dick.]

I'm sure you think you're real fucking special, but everyone's susceptible to the thrall.

[Even Taako was tempted by the gaia sash, and he's one of the few that can resist the relics at all.]

[axefight]

You haven't met me.

[ you bet he's fuckin' (e)special(ly obnoxious.) fight him!! ]

[spellslots]

My dude, I am this close to not even letting you near this thing.

[He's not in the mood for this.]

[axefight]

Then you'd be an idiot. I don't believe you're in a position to turn away assistance, at the moment.

[spellslots]

If I think you're gonna fuck things up even more, I'm in any position I wanna be.

[Why does he have to be the adult here.]

[axefight]

[ this is generally the sort of response he gets. he stopped giving a fuck lifetimes ago. ]

You can shoot me if you like, but it'll be a waste of time and resources.

You've got an actual problem here, and I've got two millennia of experience with anomalies of time and space, and the fixing thereof - and I plan to lend my hand this time, too.

[spellslots]

You're also the guy who refuses to admit magic is real despite the fact it's staring you right in the face, so like, sorry that I have a hard time believing you're so great.

[Especially since the chalice is magic; the portal might not be (it's inconclusive at this point) but he figures it won't be easy to solve a problem when someone refuses to admit the problem even exists.]

A lotta people died cause of these things. My sister died cause of these things, so I don't wanna hear shit about how you're bad at rules. Just tell me you won't touch the fucking thing.

[There it is. There's the sore point.]

[axefight]

[ the problem exists. exists in science.

...oh, well, why didn't you just say so. that explains some things. ]

...I shan't put a finger on it.

[ he sounds sincere, at least. ]

[spellslots]

Thank you.

[There's a muttered fucking hell after that, but just because he's incapable of not being a bit petty.

Still, there's an attachment sent to the Doctor's device, with a list of books.]

If you haven't done any research on the portal yet, this is some of the stuff I found useful.

[axefight]

[ he ignores it. it's ok, we're all jackasses here.

he picks the phone back up. ]

Ah, good.

Have you been assembling a crack chalice-extraction team?

[spellslots]

Hell no, I know I'm great, but there's no way I'm like... [unseen, he sort of waves a hand vaguely through the air, and then proceeds to not finish his sentence.] The dudes looking after the portal are way better equipped to handle that.

[axefight]

Well, that's the great thing about assembling a team, isn't it. No skills necessary. That's what the team's for.

The portal dudes [ dooooods ] haven't managed even that much, yet.

[ he perhaps doesn't have very much faith in the people manning the portal here. at all. ]

[spellslots]

I mean, that's cause I offered to do this. I don't blame 'em for not wanting to deal with you dipshits.

[No offense (full offense)]