riverview | audio ☂ un:liches.get.stitches

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audio ☂ un:liches.get.stitches

[Good morning Riverview. America's favourite wizard is here with an announcement.

America's favourite wizard is also doing his first audio only post, because he looks like shit and he's out of spell slots to cast Disguise Self.]

So, uh, what's up, my dudes? I'm gonna cut to the chase here, cause most of you aren't complete idiots and have probably noticed that some weird shit is happening and that weird shit, while not my fault, is thanks to some fucko in my world messing with magical items, so now we're dealing with the consequences.

[That fucko is Magnus, who he's throwing under the bus on this, although not by name at least.

There's a very audible sigh from Taako's end of things.]

Here's the skinny: an item with control over time has gotten its shit messed up in the portal, and that's why people are suddenly like, babies or whatever, and the folks here don't really, uh, well they don't know how to fix it. They don't know enough about the chalice, and I don't know enough about the portal, so... so we're asking for help. I'd put money on arcane knowledge getting us the furthest, but at this point I'm willing to take input from anyone who knows their science shit, too, as long as you're not gonna try to tell me that magic doesn't exist. I can guaran-fucking-tee that I'm not in the mood.

[Someone hasn't slept in two days because he's been trying to figure this out, worried about both the chalice itself and the potential that a part of the light existing in this universe could lead the Hunger to it.]

The big thing is that it needs to go back, we bring that shit all the way in here and it's gonna break pretty bad for a lot of people and this stupid cup has given me enough grief that I'm super ready to never see it again in my entire life. Anyone who wants to help should get in touch with the dudes running the portal, but if you got questions I can field 'em. Heads up, you'll get better answers if you promise me coffee.

[He's doing his Good Deed of the week, he could at least get some caffeine out of it.]

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For sure, yeah, but don't stress yourself too much about it.

[Mostly because Illya is right, without a background in science or arcana, there's not a whole lot he can do.]

Or hey, start a babysitting club, seems like it's needed.

[The grin is audible.]

[Illya rolls his eyes, but there’s definitely a hint of amusement in them. He’s not dense enough to not know when Taako is making a joke at his expense, but he takes it good naturedly.]

I am no good with children. Either I scare them, or they can’t understand me. But it does seem like most people have been regressed to being children. I wonder if there will be enough adults left to take care of them.

Isn't that how children work?

[Taako is... kind of okay with children, mostly because they're significantly less complicated than adults and very easy to please, but still.]

I suppose so. [He shrugs. His childhood was... intense, so it's not like he had a many chances to interact with other children back then.]

It's just frustrating, not being able to help in any way. Russian men are men of action. [Has Taako caught on by now that everything Illya says about Russian men is basically him talking about himself...]

You said the item was from your world? Did someone from your world bring it here?

Not everyone's gonna solve every problem.

[It's meant to be reassuring, in it's own way; Illya shouldn't feel too bad that this particular thing doesn't fall into his skill set, that he can't do anything to help, because there are plenty of other situations where he can be useful.]

And nah, sometimes shit just comes through on its own? It's not the first time, but the last little gift I got was... still kinda complicated, but way less destructive.

[Illya shrugs at the first affirmation. It’s something he logically knows, but he still feels like a bit of a failure for not being able to help. However he’s also aware insisting on helping would probably only make things worse, so he swallows his pride in this occasion.]

This is why I was mistrustful of the gifts in the fountain. And there’s no magic in my world that I know of, but things can get… [A bit of a pause.] Complicated.

Is anyone blaming you for this?

That's kinda rule number one with magic, I guess.

[Which is mostly just sort of an idle comment, because even though he's used to magic permeating every part of his life, it's impossible not to acknowledge that it can make a mess of things.]

Nah, at least, not to my face. [The Doctor was kind of a jerk, but that's his default setting, so Taako wasn't bothered.] Not that I give a shit if they are. I mean, sure, we made the items, but it's not like I expected some multidimensional portal to get involved.

[He'll accept blame for the 714 people that died when the item he made was used incorrectly, but this is outside his control.]

[Illya nods to himself.]

There are stupid people everywhere, I just wanted to make sure you didn't have to confront then while going through... everything else. [A bit of a grin.] My skills may not be helpful in this situation, but I could break a finger or two if needed.

[That earns a little aww from Taako, sounding genuinely touched.]

You are absolutely the first man I'll call when I need someone's fingers broken.

[Illya doesn't chuckle because. Well, because Illya. But there’s a clear hint of amusement in his voice.]

I get the feeling you could break those fingers yourself with magic if you wanted to, but I appreciate it.

I guess we’ll have to postpone any shooting practice until this is over?

Ehhhh. [Such a non-committal response.] Sometimes it's good to do things the old fashioned way, you know?

[Magnus relies on hitting things really hard, and it works pretty well for him, so Taako isn't about to scoff at it.]

But yeah, let's put that on hold until this is sorted, I should kinda focus.

Yes, I definitely know. [He loves technology, everything he’s discovered here is blowing his mind and he adores all of them. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate doing things the ‘old fashioned way’, because for him that’s just his way.]

And yes, it sounds like you should focus on this. Thank you, for working to help us get out of this mess. I could do with having a lot less children around.

Really not a fan of kids, huh?

[Or maybe Illya really is worried about people getting hurt while they're children, which is very sweet of him.]

I am not usually a calming presence for most people. It's even worse when it comes to kids.

I get the feeling kids would like you, though.

I'm gonna have to argue that one, I find your presence pretty calming.

[His tone is light, but it's not a joke. Illya might have a bit of roughness in him, but he's been nothing but nice to Taako, and there's a steadiness about him that's reassuring.]

But yeah, kids love anything dumb and pretty.

[That's a joke.]

[There’s… a long pause on Illya’s end because he wasn’t expecting that. He’s used to compliments on his skills as a spy, on his physical abilities and the like but it’s not often he hears himself being called a calming presence.]

...Thank you. [It almost sounds like a question.] But that is not what I mean. You’re just very energetic and fun. Kids like that, do they not?

You're welcome.

[The smile is audible in his voice, although now it's mostly because he's pleased with himself for having caught Illya off guard, apparently.]

That's very sweet of you, pumpkin. [Compliments all around!] I'm not gonna disagree.

[Pumpkin. Is that better or worse than Red Peril...? Somehow it’s kind of hard for him to decide. At least when Solo called him Peril he knew it was also some sort of backhanded compliment.]

Good, because I was not trying to be sweet. What I said is truth. But now I’m wondering if that nickname is going to stick.

We can test drive some other stuff if that doesn't work for you.

[Everyone gets pet names, but he's willing to be a little flexible on what they actually are.]

I'm not picky, just surprised. The nicknames I usually get are a little less cutesy like that. My last coworker called me the Red Peril.

Maybe I think you're cute.

[And that's why he gets a cutesy nickname, and even though there's no video feed, Illya can probably imagine the wink.]

What's a red peril?

[He can imagine the wink really easily, which worries him a little.]

Red, because I'm Russian. Peril because I'm dangerous. Not particularly clever but he seemed quite proud of it.

[The red = Russian makes no sense to him, but he assumes it's because of a flag or something.]

Coworkers are kinda like that, huh?

[They think they're funny & clever when they're not.]

Sometimes, but this one was American. [Like that's gonna explain anything at all to Taako. Illya needs to chill a little bit.]

I should probably stop distracting you, yes? You must be busy.

Oh, fuck that dude especially then.

[Most of the people he knows are American, but that won't stop him from commiserating with Illya on this.

As for the question, Taako gives a little non-committal hum.]

I'm kinda avoiding a conversation I gotta have so you know, I'll keep chatting forever.

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nikolaievich - 2017-07-06 15:47 (UTC) - Expand

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spellslots - 2017-07-06 23:15 (UTC) - Expand

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