video; @fromTV

[spellslots]

[Oh hey, it's Taako, wearing Taako clothes and a pointy hat. Obviously it's Taako.]

I, the great Taako Taaco desire to learn new and exciting languages because I have a need to show everyone how smart I am behind this undeniably gorgeous face. You should teach me all your strange languages, as nothing is beyond my immensely powerful abilities.

[He's grinning, faux fanning himself like he's just too hot for this feed.]

Since I have all of your undivided attention, you must know that all my stunning good looks and amazing magical powers all come from the fact that I have a really small dick.

[And oh hey, it’s Taako again, except this time it’s just his voice off-screen:]

Hey dingus, have you seen my pho... ne..?

[It’s a very telltale trailing off, the way someone who has caught their shitty sister in the act of Pretending To Be Them™ in front of the entire fucking network.]

Gimme it, now.

[There’s a surprised shout and then a lot of cackling as the phone is pulled up and Taako #1 is running off to the other side of the room to get as far away from Taako #2 as possible.]

OH NO, AN IMPOSTOR! Save me! I’m too beautiful and sexy to die!

[Luckily, at least one member of this family remembers they’re a wizard, and the phone is mysteriously plucked from Taako #1’s hand and returned to the real Taako, who turns the phone to face him so everyone can see how done he is.]

What’s up, chucklefucks, I’d like to introduce you to my complete asshole of a sister who I hate more than anything in this world.

[From behind the phone, now;]

RUDE.

Don’t start shit you can’t finish. [He sticks his tongue out in her general direction, then turns his attention back the camera.] I’m for real about the languages thing, I’m bored and wanna learn new shit, she just jacked my idea before I could come ask. Do not believe her about the dick thing, though, that's fake as hell.

[With the alarming sound of encroaching footsteps, Taako quickly shuts off the feed.]

[ooc: Lup = red, Taako = purple. They're both the worst]

Comments

[smokedout]

[He gets an eye roll for that, but.. nah, Dodger's not turning on video. He likes his sketchy anonymity.]

All the better for making first impressions, then. How 'bout a name - stops me from having to give you a nickname you'll hate.

[umbrastaff]

Oh, that's this guy?

[She smiles again. It's very, very sharp.]

I suppose you should know my name is Lup, seeing I'm the one that will be searing your balls off and feeding them to you.

[smokedout]

Damn, had you pegged for a "Thing 2".

[If you asked him, he'd claim he was ready to play nice. But he's far from being the better man in any situation.]

Listen, Chalupa, I really hate to hurt a pretty girl - but if your brother couldn't kill me I really doubt you stand a chance against me.

audio; @fromTV

[spellslots]

[Oh wait he's back just to laugh like, for a solid minute, as if this is the funniest shit he's ever heard.]

Ohhhh man, I haven't laughed that hard for ages, thanks dude.

[umbrastaff]

[That reference way over her head, or she would have laughed.
...and Chalupa doesn't seem to faze her either. Boring.]

Oh, please. Taako is the nice sibling when it comes to shit like this. Who do you think fucked everyone up in this family?

[Also she has spell shaping, meaning she can cast AoE attacks without hitting herself... unlike Transmutation nerds.]

Extra crispy should do, hm?

[smokedout]

Well, from the looks of it, it's your mom that fucked you two up. But I got better manners than to bring her into this.

[The only good lesson Benny McQueen ever taught him was that moms are off-limits.]

Listen, I'm not here to threaten you. I want to play a game - if you can hold off being a salty bitch long enough.

[umbrastaff]

[It doesn't really work since they don't know their mom, so that also brushes off her pretty easily.]

Oh my poor sweet dude, I'm the one threatening you, here. There's literally nothing you can say that makes me afraid of a little shit like you.

[She shrugs.]

...and I dunno, man, that's pretty much my default state.

[smokedout]

If I was afraid of you, I wouldn't be insisting on replying to you, would I.

[Like honestly, after the beating Taako gave him, it should be clear he has no sense of self-preservation.]

Besides, if you want me out of your brother's life, threatening me isn't the way to do it.

[umbrastaff]

Hey, I'm not gonna kinkshame your death wish here, dude. By all means, lay it on me, it just makes it easier to fuck you up later.

[She smooths her hair back a bit, cocking her head to the side.]

What, you got something better than me looking up recipes for how to fry balls?

[smokedout]

If you're complacent I'll give you a few recipes of my own.

[He might actually mean that literally.]

Knowing your enemy is important. I'll let you ask five questions, and answer them honestly. In return for five honest answers to my questions. If you answer it all honestly, I'll leave you and your brother alone. If you start getting smart with me, I'll stop the game and go back to doing whatever the fuck I want.

[umbrastaff]

Allow me one smart salty bitch thing, though; I fail to see how playing your information-kink game is any better than outright destroying you? I mean, killing you solves all my problems and I don't have to listen to you getting off on my answers.

[smokedout]

[Information kink is... oddly fitting. That gets a laugh out of him.]

Because I can tell you with absolute certainty that you can't destroy me. But playing my games might give you a fighting chance before you piss me off.

[umbrastaff]

Now you're bullshitting me again, 'cuz Taako still fucked you up good and I'm six times as explodey as he is.

[She knows you called him 'sir', jackass.]

Besides, there's nothing that says you won't just do whatever the fuck you want anyway AND have all these nice juicy secrets to rub one out with every time you want, so yeaaaaah it doesn't sound that likely, my dude.

Forgive me for not trusting some asshole that put his hands on my twin even a little bit.

[smokedout]

I made a mistake, and he took advantage. That mistake won't happen again.

[Partly because he's taken to avoiding Taako whenever a confrontation is possible.]

You don't have to trust me - but you can trust that if anything he, you or his fucktoy know comes out, you'll see my exact potential for destruction.

[umbrastaff]

[She moves from the phone to say something to her brother. It's totally not at all hidden.]

Fuck, Taako, you didn't say what and edgy try-hard this guy is! He's so adamant about trying to get me to play his game, it's fucking hilarious!

action

[spellslots]

Just hang up on him, bubbale, you've got better things to do than talk to this pathetic dipshit.

[He feels like the easiest way to mess with Dodger is to just ignore his threats, like not caving to a toddler throwing a tantrum]

action

[umbrastaff]

Yeah, I was gonna force you to do my nails before I found your phone.

[She just... shuts the phone off, not even a second look.]

action

[spellslots]

[He knows that Lup hardly needs looking out for, but still, something eases in his chest when she hangs up.]

If he keeps giving us shit we'll just kill him, yeah?

action

[umbrastaff]

If I ever see him in person I'm fully committed to do exactly what I said I would. Don't worry about it, doofus.

action

[spellslots]

Who said I was worrying?

[But Dodger has gotten under his skin in a way no one else really has, except maybe Sazed, and that was... completely different circumstances.

Still, he leans in to press a light kiss to her temple.]

I'm taking a raincheck on the nails until I'm done tormenting people, FYI.

[He's having fun with this post, aside from Dodger.]

action

[umbrastaff]

You had that twitch in your mouth.

[She smiles again as he's being schmoopy and nods.]

You have fun, Koko. At least I got the ball rolling on your language thing, yeah? Lemme know if any of them seem cool.

action

[spellslots]

I'll keep you in the loop.

[How many times in their hundreds of years has he made that joke?]

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[umbrastaff]

[GROAN.]

You're horrible.