riverview | Entries tagged with ✖ homestuck: john egbert

[When the video clicks on, you can see Magnus setting up the camera, presumably on some kind of tripod, so that he can step back and give you a full-body shot of himself. There’s a concept here, a kind of Ted-Talk-y type thing, even if it’s not fully realized. Please forgive him. He’s new to technology. He’s trying his best.]

Hello, kind citizens! Okay, listen, I noticed something tragic about Riverview and this is what it is: we are hugely lacking in the sports department. You know, like, intramural type shit? Sorry, stuff. Intramural type stuff. Anyway. I, Magnus Burnsides, aim to change this. Not to brag or anything but I do have some experience coaching a sportsball team, so I figured: why not put my experience to good use? Who wants to play sports with me?

I want this thing to be a community effort. If you know how to play sports, come coach a team! Doesn’t matter what the sport is! If you don’t know anything about sports but you’re curious, come learn with us! It’s not about being good—it’s about doing the sports! I want people of all ages, people of all sports backgrounds. Also, maybe, someone who’s good at organizing stuff because I’m not very good at that. Anyway, let me know what you think! If anyone’s down to help out, send me a message!

[He ends the video bit with his hands on his hips Peter Pan style, a huge grin on his face. … And then he remembers he has to walk back to the camera in order to shut it off.]

(ooc: If you have any questions/comments/concerns for me, hit me up at

aldigrocery !)

imperceptus

[ It's your friendly neighborhood drow, hanging out somewhere in the jungle. He's idly tossing a dagger into the air, then catching it, then tossing, and so on. ]

Good evening, my friends.

[ He hasn't met nearly so many of Riverview's population as he'd like, but he's comfortable speaking warmly, casually, as though they've all known each other for years. He leans against a tall, mossy tree, eyes on the dagger as it glints in the low sun's light. ]

I happened to be doing a little light exploring, a little minor surveying ... and I came across something interesting. Ruins of some sort, absolutely emanating with mysterious power. I couldn't quite map the shape of the place, unfortunately--as soon as I began drawing near, the jungle came even more alive than usual. Even the lovely birds were angry with me.

[ He catches the dagger for the final time, then slides it into some unknown recess of his jacket. ]

Now, I am of humble merchant stock, but I can defend myself, if I must. I progressed as far as I dared, but something began to feel wrong. I heard voices--strange, incomprehensible chanting. I felt dizzy, woozy. I took the wise path and retreated.

[ He shakes his head. ]

But, before I escaped, I saw a few artifacts scattered through the underbrush, marking a haphazard trail into the ruins. I dared not take one, but they were all inscribed with a certain symbol.

[ He steps aside from the tree he's been leaning against. This symbol is carved into the bark. ]

Not sure what it means, but I have an uneasy feeling just looking at it.

[ He seems thoughtful for a second, then shakes his head. Brightens up. ]

Anyway! I would very much like to get to the bottom of this, but, as mentioned, I'm merely a merchant. My meager skill is not enough to overcome those ruins alone. Any help would therefore be appreciated.

And--one more thing. If you see this symbol anywhere in town, I'd turn around and walk away.

chumpelstiltskin

aight so
forgive the informality here
ive never done a business proposal before
hold up ignore this

ladies and gentlemen of the business owning variety
i have a proposal for you
and its so highly sought after its like i took twelve of you to an island and pitted you against each other until i picked my fave
only im just kidding
this is for anyone who owns a business that has the capacity to sell shit on my behalf
and lo and behold
its not drugs

i got this show on tv
you might have seen it
we were operating under the title of the dark secrets from the crypt of peewee herman but it didnt roll off the tongue
so we called it sweet bro and hella jeff
or i did
everyone else is a lackey here to do the intricate shading on the ass cheeks of every character
you have to outsource the hard work sometimes
anyway
its surprisingly popular considering the time slot is ass o clock
but apparently thats noon for stoners
so its gaining some sort of traction
riverview weekly called it a confusing cult classic
they also begged me to stop
pending that thought id like to get some merch out there
im not interested in running a store
but if i could set up shop in some local businesses
get some staff wearing some shit
we might have a good thing going

youd get a cut of the profits of course
im not scrooge
and i dont really care about money so much as i care about everyone walking around in my shit

lmk if youre interested
serious proposals only
of the romantic and business kind
whatever floats your boat

check out these samples and think about how much youd like to degrade yourself for some extra cash

snensual~~~~~

eggsotik

spellslots

[Oh hey, it's Taako, wearing Taako clothes and a pointy hat. Obviously it's Taako.]

I, the great Taako Taaco desire to learn new and exciting languages because I have a need to show everyone how smart I am behind this undeniably gorgeous face. You should teach me all your strange languages, as nothing is beyond my immensely powerful abilities.

[He's grinning, faux fanning himself like he's just too hot for this feed.]

Since I have all of your undivided attention, you must know that all my stunning good looks and amazing magical powers all come from the fact that I have a really small dick.

[And oh hey, it’s Taako again, except this time it’s just his voice off-screen:]

Hey dingus, have you seen my pho... ne..?

[It’s a very telltale trailing off, the way someone who has caught their shitty sister in the act of Pretending To Be Them™ in front of the entire fucking network.]

Gimme it, now.

[There’s a surprised shout and then a lot of cackling as the phone is pulled up and Taako #1 is running off to the other side of the room to get as far away from Taako #2 as possible.]

OH NO, AN IMPOSTOR! Save me! I’m too beautiful and sexy to die!

[Luckily, at least one member of this family remembers they’re a wizard, and the phone is mysteriously plucked from Taako #1’s hand and returned to the real Taako, who turns the phone to face him so everyone can see how done he is.]

What’s up, chucklefucks, I’d like to introduce you to my complete asshole of a sister who I hate more than anything in this world.

[From behind the phone, now;]

RUDE.

Don’t start shit you can’t finish. [He sticks his tongue out in her general direction, then turns his attention back the camera.] I’m for real about the languages thing, I’m bored and wanna learn new shit, she just jacked my idea before I could come ask. Do not believe her about the dick thing, though, that's fake as hell.

[With the alarming sound of encroaching footsteps, Taako quickly shuts off the feed.]

[ooc: Lup = red, Taako = purple. They're both the worst]

inlaid

[ooc: warning for stick figure drawings of a dead/partially eaten goat and horses with too many legs??

Context: thread 01, thread 02, & thread 03]

( Read more... )

inebriety

[Did your non-American character think that because they weren't even on Earth they could get away from the obnoxious 4th of July posts? Think again!]
( This is just obnoxious 4th of July spam )

riverview network

Entries tagged with ✖ homestuck: john egbert

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