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Entry tags:
- marvel (mcu): gamora,
- star trek (aos): james kirk,
- star wars: finn,
- star wars: poe dameron,
- ✖ ffxiii: lightning farron,
- ✖ game of thrones: daenerys targaryen,
- ✖ gundam 00: lyle dylandy,
- ✖ marvel (mcu): sif,
- ✖ marvel (mcu): valkyrie,
- ✖ marvel (tv): karen page,
- ✖ once upon a time: emma swan,
- ✖ shadowhunter chronicles: alec lightwoo
[ audio / image ] un: wingingit
[ It starts with a blank screen and cheerful booping that anyone who has met BB-8 will recognize, with muffled conversation in the background.
BB-8 is working on something. The screen flickers from blackness to brief color, goes dark again, then abruptly displays the following image: ]
[ Yes, it is Poe Dameron, standing nobly above a motif of X-wings, over the word "RESISTANCE" and below the words "WATCHING OVER THE SKIES AND STARS."
The background conversation stops. Poe's voice comes through clearly: ] Bee, what are you--BB-8, take that down right now.
[ Annnnnd the image vanishes. ]
BB-8 is working on something. The screen flickers from blackness to brief color, goes dark again, then abruptly displays the following image: ]
[ Yes, it is Poe Dameron, standing nobly above a motif of X-wings, over the word "RESISTANCE" and below the words "WATCHING OVER THE SKIES AND STARS."
The background conversation stops. Poe's voice comes through clearly: ] Bee, what are you--BB-8, take that down right now.
[ Annnnnd the image vanishes. ]
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I'd like to think that counting is part of every division even for the Resistance, Poe.
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[ RUDE FINN. ]
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I'm not the one who said it's not my division. [ ok but your brain that thought that for a second finn, sarcasm or no. ] Is recruitment its own division? I just pictured you all-- pitching in, or something.
[ Hopefully his voice conveys that there was another vague-ass gesture at "pitching in". HE'S TAKING THIS LEARNING OPPORTUNITY, BECAUSE HE'S A NERD. ]
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[ HE TOO SHRUGS. ] I know rough numbers-- [ it's impossible not to know, with how small the Resistance is ] --but beyond duty rosters and training, it's not my responsibility.
[ Watch me bullshit now you see the steaming pile now you don't ]
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[ He came to this post to have a good time and now he's just fascinated by the workings of a low-budget ragtag army. There's more than enough nerd to go around in this world. ]
You should tell me about it sometime. The whole-- [ Why even make hand gestures right now Finn you're on audio. ] I don't know, your setup. Your people. I didn't make too many introductions.
[ it was a wild time and then we all went to blow up a superweapon. Finn has to at least admit the Resistance has a lot more color and a lot more individuality going for it. Joining or not, it was worth seeing an army that does unity without the all-encompassing conformity. ]
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[ Poe is undeniably enthusiastic about the prospect. ] We'll get you familiar once we're back. Snap and Jess for starters, but you'd like Lieutenant Connix. C'ai is great, and then there's Yolo and Tallie and Paige--we'll get you settled in no time.
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But to hell with it, he's ignoring that dilemma without skipping a beat, because that's what he's done since he got here. Bottle it up and try to forget about it. The new and more important dilemma: everyone in the Resistance is an actual real person who has their own name and life story, and even if some of those intersect they will, in fact, all still be different.
And that's the case pretty much across the span of most of everything, including the people on this moon? They're all just out there. Running around. Intersecting without matching. What the fuck, how does he not lose half of his days realizing how big the galaxy is. ]
Sounds like I'll be lucky I'm good with names.
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He's already told half the people he named about how Finn saved him, if not from what, exactly. The rumors about him on-base have spread like wildfire. That a stormtrooper could renounce the First Order--it's a beacon, a small flame of possibility, a banner to be raised in honor of their mission. Hope lives, even in the darkest places. Hope leads the way.
Finn is a hero, to Poe's mind, and to the minds of many in the Resistance. He's the kind of person that they need. ]
You'll be learning a lot of them. There's quite a few people who want to meet you.
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That sounds like a lot of people with Expectations.
One Fear. ]
They what?
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[ A little teasing, a little proud. ]
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Finn knows for a fact he had some of this talk with Poe. That it wasn't about a cause or the greater good or anything, and the whole part where he was just trying to get away, and Poe got that, he's positive on that much. Poe pushed back with acceptance and "it's not always about the fate of the galaxy", the whole spiel. He guesses he thought he was a lot more clear on the heroism thing. The "I had to save Rey" thing. Maybe he wasn't. It was a pretty tense situation.
what can he possibly do to fix th- he's gonna argue about it literally what else. ]
Okay, first off, I'm not one, so we're already running into some big problems with this situation, Poe!
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Still, there's a note of sympathy in Poe's voice as he says: ] Pretty sure heroes don't sit down in the morning and go, 'yeah, I'm going to help save the galaxy today'. I don't think you really get to pick when or why people think of you that way.
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This is not a label he can live up to, and he knows that with every bit of certainty he has to spare. It's not one he ever planned to try to live up to. He lived up to things his entire life, and that didn't exactly pan out for him. He never should have asked about Poe's people, this has gone horribly wrong. ]
I'm already barely a person! What am I supposed to do with people who expect anything else out of me?
[ POE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, WHAT IF YOUR FRIENDS DON'T LIKE ME. WHAT IF I LET YOU AND/OR REY DOWN BY PROXY. THIS IS VITAL. ]
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Quietly: ] Where are you?
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That was not something that should have ever made it through the filter. He filters for a reason, he's always been a good filterer. Finn sharply reels himself back in, in the way only the fight or flight lifestyle can allow.
Mistakes.... have been made. ]
The part of town where I don't wanna talk about it.
[ u really razzed poe there finn. But you also kind of live with him so uhhh, what's the long-term solution here, realistically. ]
I wasn't thinking. Now I'm thinking.
private;
[ He wants to talk about it. He wants to help fix it. At the very least he wants to hug Finn until one or both of them feels better. ]
private -> action
[ Firm. Insistent. That's his only door. That's the only excuse he can try to bring to bear, flat like he's putting up a token argument against an official reprimand, even though he's the only one he's in trouble with here. Even though the truth is that he's always thinking, and he knows it, and he hates excuses.
He can't come up with anything else to say. It's hard to fit words around his hard-edged anger over saying anything at all.
Finn disconnects, because at this point he might as well go ahead and run away, too.
Of course, the inherent problem with that decision is that Finn can't and won't actually stay gone. He comes back to the room. Puts things off for a while, maybe. Runs some laps. Does some target practice. Stops by a grocery store. The escapism factor isn't great because he's wearing the jacket that Poe gave him, and it's hard to not see a jacket that's constantly on his person. He spends time trying very hard to keep a lid on everything excess that starts to come out. He spends time trying very hard to not be thinking. It doesn't work.
But he doesn't stay gone.
They're on the same team. They're all in this together. It would take a lot worse than him being himself to change that, and he knows that, too. ]
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I'm already barely a person.
(I'm gonna call you Finn. Is that all right?
Finn. Yeah! Finn! I like that!)
The moment BB-8 alerts him, he's getting to his feet. He's half-way to the door as it opens, and then all the way there by the time Finn steps inside. Poe drags him into a hug without a word. ]
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He's surprised, but not too surprised to automatically bring his arms up to return it.
Hoping to avoid this encounter long enough to completely write off the other encounter was, perhaps, more of a fool's errand than anything. It was worth trying. Poe's got enough to deal with, he didn't-- he should have done better. ]
I'm sorry.
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[ He tightens the hug, closing his eyes. ] I am. You want to talk about not thinking.
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[ There's sure footing in that. Easy truth. Finn almost says I didn't mean it anyway, but Poe is smart enough that it might just offend him. ]
That's how you see things.
[ Poe makes things human. Poe sees people. Poe thinks of him and sees a person, he has from the beginning.
Finn is a lot of pieces that never quite fit no matter where he's standing. Too big for the First Order. Not enough for the real world. Growing, but not enough. Just trying to pass muster, dreading the day he gets caught out by anyone looking for something, let alone a group of rebels looking for hope wherever they can find it.
(You're one of those, he remembers. An outsider, and maybe some things really are true even if the First Order is where he heard them.)
That's not Poe's fault at all. ]
It's not-- it's not bad. Usually. You're fine.
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(His dad would get it, probably. His dad would know exactly what to say, what to do to make Finn feel centered in himself.) ]
Are you? [ Fine. Poe doesn't think so. He doesn't know how to change that, but... ] You know you don't have to think, with me, right? You don't have to not say things. You don't have to do that.
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He defaults to the only words he's ever managed to find for it, with all the same seriousness he attaches to most discussions. They come out sounding like maybe they still can't get across exactly what he means. ]
How you see things. Make them more-- [ A vague gesture, the best kind of gesture he has. ] -- more. Human.
[ Duh? He wouldn't change it. He'd pretty much take a bullet for that.
The rest is a harder mountain to conquer and even more difficult to try to explain. It's just something that he is. That he does. Long-enforced second nature. He maybe kinda hedges. ]
It's not that I don't trust you. I do trust you. You know that, right?
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It's the closest anyone has ever come to saying You remind me of your father.
He has to clear his throat again before he trusts himself to speak clearly. ]
Of course I do.
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Okay.
[ That's good, too. He hesitates. Realizes for the millionth time in his life that he has no idea what he's doing or what he's supposed to say, which was at least partially what Poe was talking about him doing.
There are a lot of things he could say. That he's pretty sure real people don't have to think about being people. That real people don't feel like the galaxy is yawning open around them, expanding out to every side with more people, people who don't think about having to be people, so sudden that it feels like drowning.
That there's so much, sometimes, he almost wishes for a metal corridor just to orient himself.
There are too many things he could say.
Finn swallows. ]
I'm not good at saying things. I'm not used to having people I can afford to say things to.
[ Words will falter on the way to his mouth. He'll shut them down without a second thought, file them off as liabilities. Risks he can't take. Sometimes all it takes is one word out of line-- but that's the whole problem, now. Different lines. ]
And that's on me. Not you or Rey. I'm just. [ Finn thinks he doesn't want to sound like he's making excuses. It's not someone else's fault. He doesn't want to say he's broken, or there's something wrong with him. Instead, he huffs. ]
I might be worse at working on it than I am at doing it.
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meanwhile in Softer Emotions
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