riverview | video; un: liches.get.stitches

[Today on your screen is everybody's favorite shitty wizard, who's currently sitting in a park somewhere and using mage hand to make sure the camera is at a good angle.

#priorities]

What's up, my dudes? It's ya boy Taako, here to make a super important announcement to save anyone getting their panties in a twist about this shit.

[He's already nailing this whole polite and informative announcement thing.]

Soooo, the people here aren't evil. [Taako shrugs.] It's a fucking revelation, I know, but listen, they're not lying about the whole portal thing and we're not here to be turned into people soup or whatever the hell folks are worried about. I mean, there's for sure some dicks in the bunch so totally not my fault if you get mugged, but uh, the people overall? Have good intentions.

[There's a shrug there, just to finish off his very well-constructed explanation.

Although he should probably also say how he knows this:]

The spirit of some real old and powerful witch told me this shit, bee-tee-dubs, and yeah, before you ask, I know she was telling the truth. That's how the spell works.

[Just take his word for it, folks!

He looks like he's about to hang up, before pausing.]

Uh, right, there's a whole new load of us idiots, isn't there? Hi, I'm Taako, in case you missed it when I said it thirty seconds ago, and that's T-double-A-K-O, not like the food. Sorry to start you off on such a fucking boring note, but here we are. Welcome to Riverview Quarantine or whatever.

[ok bye]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

No one actually talks the way you are, it's gotta be lines from some over the top revenge novel or whatever.

[ no... no, just a bad manga, nothing to see here ]

It isn't "no one" talking this way if I'm doing it. You just haven't expanded your horizons enough.

My horizons are pretty damn broad, pumpkin, but you still don't sound like an actual real person who exists

As difficult as I'm beginning to find you, I suppose I can accept that.

You're only just beginning to find me difficult :( but I've been trying so hard :(

[ ... ]

That's sarcasm.

[ nailed it ]

Oh, darling, this just isn't going well for you, is it?

First "pumpkin", now this?

;)

[ He waits for another message that will correct what is surely a mistake. One doesn't come. ]

Is that supposed to mean something?

It's a wink, I'm winking. Do I need to like, spell out that I'm fucking with you? I mean that's gonna suck all the joy out of it but this is just getting kinda sad.