video; un: liches.get.stitches

[spellslots]

[Today on your screen is everybody's favorite shitty wizard, who's currently sitting in a park somewhere and using mage hand to make sure the camera is at a good angle.

#priorities]

What's up, my dudes? It's ya boy Taako, here to make a super important announcement to save anyone getting their panties in a twist about this shit.

[He's already nailing this whole polite and informative announcement thing.]

Soooo, the people here aren't evil. [Taako shrugs.] It's a fucking revelation, I know, but listen, they're not lying about the whole portal thing and we're not here to be turned into people soup or whatever the hell folks are worried about. I mean, there's for sure some dicks in the bunch so totally not my fault if you get mugged, but uh, the people overall? Have good intentions.

[There's a shrug there, just to finish off his very well-constructed explanation.

Although he should probably also say how he knows this:]

The spirit of some real old and powerful witch told me this shit, bee-tee-dubs, and yeah, before you ask, I know she was telling the truth. That's how the spell works.

[Just take his word for it, folks!

He looks like he's about to hang up, before pausing.]

Uh, right, there's a whole new load of us idiots, isn't there? Hi, I'm Taako, in case you missed it when I said it thirty seconds ago, and that's T-double-A-K-O, not like the food. Sorry to start you off on such a fucking boring note, but here we are. Welcome to Riverview Quarantine or whatever.

[ok bye]

Comments

video; @stark.naked

[amelioraate]

[ ... what the fuck just happened. Tony actually has no idea what the hell this guy just said and--]

Was there a point to any of that, or did you just find really good lighting in the part and have to take advantage of it?

[spellslots]

I mean... both?

[Both is good.]

Was I not clear on the part where the dudes running this joint aren't secretly evil?

[That's what he was going for.]

[amelioraate]

...no, no you weren't all that clear. Though that does make me wonder why the hell you thought it was information worth broadcasting? I mean, have there been thoughts about the people here being evil or are you just like... two months late on being able to figure shit out?

[ Is Tony a little more of an annoyed shit as of late? Maybe. Sorry Takko, your irrelevant information and complete inability to be succinct is annoying to him.

Not to mention the whole old and powerful witch thing. Maybe it's a magic thing.]

@dodger/audio

[smokedout]

Didn't realize there was anything to get worried about, thanks for riling up anyone who's paranoid enough to think that shit in the first place.

They'll probably think you're in on it.

[Why does he think this? Because he's absolutely that paranoid. But he's probably not going to be suspicious of a flamboyant pointy-eared dude who speaks like a teenage girl.]

[spellslots]

No, dumbass, I'm just pulling this shit entirely out of my ass. [Can you sense the sarcasm, Tony?] I've known this for ages, didn't think it was worth mentioning until I realised some folks were worrying. [So, not entirely unprompted.] Keep up, pumpkin.

@fulcrum; text

[seditionist]

How does the old and powerful witch know what their intentions are?

[spellslots]

Yup, you caught me, I'm being bribed to make sure no one discovers the real secret of why we're here.

[He was trying to be helpful!!!!!]

[spellslots]

The powerful part?

There's kind of a limited amount of shit I could ask her, but the spell itself guarantees truth. If she hadn't known, she would've said so.

[seditionist]

[He's not really sure whether or not he believes in this. But...]

Well, that sounds logical. As much as it can.

[spellslots]

[New favourite person right here.]

Not used to magic?

[He's getting used to expecting that, at this point.]

[seditionist]

I wouldn't call it magic, but there's something powerful, like that, at home.

[spellslots]

What would you call it?

[He's curious.]

[seditionist]

The Force. Heard of it?

[spellslots]

Afraid not, sorry. Is it like a religion thing?

[smokedout]

Seriously, what kinda secret would they have - they need us to jumpstart the economy with our fat overindulgent asses?

[He scoffs quietly.]

I doubt anyone worth worrying about would use hilarious incompetence as their excuse to kidnap people. Three second's guesswork makes it a pretty believable claim that they just fucked up.

[spellslots]

Well, like, usually I'm all for assuming the worst of people but I'm pretty sure it's not a fuck up on their part. It's just how this shit works. That portal thing is natural, they didn't make it or ask it to bring us here.

[smokedout]

Can't see any benefit to keeping it open - and I've seen some pretty fucked up shit crawl through.

[He may or may not just be referring to some of the new arrivals.]

Figure it'd benefit them more to close it, if they could. So, incompetence.

[spellslots]

It's a multi-dimensional fucking portal, my dude. You know how to close it?

[Because Taako sure as hell doesn't know how, so he's not going to hold it against the people here.]

[smokedout]

[He has no idea how the thing works, but he's always quick to criticize.]

Could always set up a death trap on their end of it... free meat for everyone. Probably more useful to them than having us fucking around here.

[spellslots]

[Jeez, dude.]

Speak for yourself, my dude, I'm useful as hell and they're lucky to have me.

[smokedout]

Quite the ego you got there. What are you, a drag queen?

[Dodger exists to make people angry. He's the human equivalent of a wasp nest.]

[spellslots]

[He's hard to offend.

Also that doesn't really register as an insult.]

Elf wizard, but ya know, whatever you wanna call it.

[smokedout]

Sounds a lot like drag queen to me.

[There's a shrug here that Taako won't see. Believe it or not, this is Dodger being friendly.]

I'm guessing you were here before me and... the rest of the merry bunch, huh? Stockholme syndrome nice and settled?

[spellslots]

You're gonna have to explain that one to me, my man, I got no clue what a Stockholm is.

[smokedout]

[Small, dramatic little sigh.]

Stockholme syndrome's the fancy psychological term for capture bonding. Getting attached to the people that kidnapped you, getting all chummy and defending their actions. Y'know, the kind of crap guys like me thrive on.