riverview | video; un: liches.get.stitches

[Today on your screen is everybody's favorite shitty wizard, who's currently sitting in a park somewhere and using mage hand to make sure the camera is at a good angle.

#priorities]

What's up, my dudes? It's ya boy Taako, here to make a super important announcement to save anyone getting their panties in a twist about this shit.

[He's already nailing this whole polite and informative announcement thing.]

Soooo, the people here aren't evil. [Taako shrugs.] It's a fucking revelation, I know, but listen, they're not lying about the whole portal thing and we're not here to be turned into people soup or whatever the hell folks are worried about. I mean, there's for sure some dicks in the bunch so totally not my fault if you get mugged, but uh, the people overall? Have good intentions.

[There's a shrug there, just to finish off his very well-constructed explanation.

Although he should probably also say how he knows this:]

The spirit of some real old and powerful witch told me this shit, bee-tee-dubs, and yeah, before you ask, I know she was telling the truth. That's how the spell works.

[Just take his word for it, folks!

He looks like he's about to hang up, before pausing.]

Uh, right, there's a whole new load of us idiots, isn't there? Hi, I'm Taako, in case you missed it when I said it thirty seconds ago, and that's T-double-A-K-O, not like the food. Sorry to start you off on such a fucking boring note, but here we are. Welcome to Riverview Quarantine or whatever.

[ok bye]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Can't see any benefit to keeping it open - and I've seen some pretty fucked up shit crawl through.

[He may or may not just be referring to some of the new arrivals.]

Figure it'd benefit them more to close it, if they could. So, incompetence.

It's a multi-dimensional fucking portal, my dude. You know how to close it?

[Because Taako sure as hell doesn't know how, so he's not going to hold it against the people here.]

[He has no idea how the thing works, but he's always quick to criticize.]

Could always set up a death trap on their end of it... free meat for everyone. Probably more useful to them than having us fucking around here.

[Jeez, dude.]

Speak for yourself, my dude, I'm useful as hell and they're lucky to have me.

Quite the ego you got there. What are you, a drag queen?

[Dodger exists to make people angry. He's the human equivalent of a wasp nest.]

[He's hard to offend.

Also that doesn't really register as an insult.]

Elf wizard, but ya know, whatever you wanna call it.

Sounds a lot like drag queen to me.

[There's a shrug here that Taako won't see. Believe it or not, this is Dodger being friendly.]

I'm guessing you were here before me and... the rest of the merry bunch, huh? Stockholme syndrome nice and settled?

You're gonna have to explain that one to me, my man, I got no clue what a Stockholm is.

[Small, dramatic little sigh.]

Stockholme syndrome's the fancy psychological term for capture bonding. Getting attached to the people that kidnapped you, getting all chummy and defending their actions. Y'know, the kind of crap guys like me thrive on.

Uhhh, the fuck does that mean, guys like you?

[He gets the concept now, but that comment is just making him wary.]

[The wariness is exactly what he was going for. And Taako just gets an ambiguous snicker as he pointedly ignores the question.]

Point being we're all gonna trust the fuckers sooner or later. Not like we got much of a choice. Seems like you got started early on that.

["I know they're not secretly evil" isn't the same as trusting them, but Taako doesn't really care enough to point that out.]

Nah, hey, let's back this right the fuck back up to you answering my question. I wanna unpack that whole situation right there.

Say, you got any clue where I can find a family diner? Y'know, the kind with the checkerboard tiles and seven different combinations of breakfast foods on the menu. I got a craving.

[He'll avoid the topic until you corner him into it.]

[He's really wishing he could cast spells on people over the network right about now.]

Here's an idea: you tell me what I wanna know, and I'll tell you what you wanna know.

[Taako's done doesn't really change, he keeps it light and friendly, almost as if they're just joking around, because he thinks he might have a better chance of getting an answer this way.]

[Well, it amuses him at least that Taako's using the same sorta tone he tends to use when he's getting pissed off.]

What's it matter to you, what my answer is. Worried I might kidnap you?

[Literally the last thing he's worried about, tbh. It's hard to kidnap someone who can teleport.]

It doesn't seem like I'm your type.

[But hey, if he can goade Jamie to say something at least a little bit incriminating, that's fine with him.]

Maybe not for kidnapping.

[Is he flirting? Maybe. Taako's too confident to be Dodger's type, but he tends to flirt as a response to feeling aggressive.]

I gotta say, I didn't realise people had types for kidnapping.

[also: gross]

How do you think people track down criminals? You follow the trail of disappearances with traits in common. Little girls with brown hair, or college-age gay men. That sorta shit.

But you seem like the kinda guy that can stand up for himself... you should be fine. [Even if that tone of voice is JUST sarcastic enough to make you wonder.]

[He hasn't watched Fantasy Criminal Minds, let him live.]

You know you sound shady as fuck, right? And that everyone can see the shit on here.

Edited 2017-04-12 01:55 (UTC)

It's cute that you think I'm worried about that. But teasing aside I've only brought up facts from just about any sensational buddy cop show - it's a long shot at best calling this hard evidence.

You're gonna need to wait a bit for that to pile up.

[What's a buddy cop show!!!!]

The fact you're making a fucking point to mention evidence really isn't helping your case.

And you're just getting pulled along for the joke, huh.

Have I answered enough questions to warrant directions to a diner?

[unsure.jpg]

'Fraid I don't actually know of any. Sorry about that.

[He's not sorry.]

Then I guess we're even - fake info for a fake reward.

[Not like he was expecting a real answer. But he's hungry, so he's still slightly annoyed.]

(no subject)

spellslots - 2017-04-12 11:33 (UTC) - Expand