video; un: sg.rogers

[livingsymbol]

[Steve is restless and it shows. He's looking at the camera almost like he's waiting for it to jump out at him or he's challenging it in some way. While he's making an attempt to look friendly, he's also giving the network a far too serious amount of effort, like he's trying too hard at presenting what he has to say. Steve has a message and apparently it is An Important Issue.]

I'm starting a book club. If any of you have some things you'd like to share, I figure it can't hurt to get together and look at them as a group. If you're interested, let me know. I need the experience. Maybe some of you do too.


[ooc: While Steve says "book club" what he's really doing is creating meeting sessions for people to try new things using a book someone likes as a launching point. It's an interactive book club for trying new hobbies. Because Steve has to get his hands dirty at all times. If you're interested, I will make some book club related logs for sharing activities and messes as well.]

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki falters. ]

I — I don't want it.

[ He wanted to be with Asgard. Help build it. He wanted to make himself into something new that his people would love. So many ideas, so many dreams, just — gone. Because of him. Because Loki lived on borrowed time and he knew that. ]

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve sighs deeply. ]

I'm sorry.

[dothelokimotion]

[ His lips twitch slightly. ]

There's no need for that.

[livingsymbol]

For what?

[dothelokimotion]

To be sorry.

You don't have anything to apologize for.

[livingsymbol]

I'm not apologizing for me.

I'm just sorry it happened to you.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Well that just seems silly. Loki had it coming. But he demurs. ]

Of course.

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve raises an eyebrow at that answer, because he's started to realize that it's Loki's non-answer. ]

Uh-huh.

[dothelokimotion]

[ If he says anything else to this, Loki will damn himself. He wouldn't lie to Steve and there is only so much evasiveness afforded to him at this time. ]

Regardless — The fault is my own — [ yours, always yours, who else would it be? ] — I am sorry.

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve just frowns. ]

Is that really supposed to make me feel better?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki doesn't say anything to that, pausing. ]

What would make you feel better?

[livingsymbol]

Not that.

[ Steve gives Loki a serious look. ]

I don't care whose fault it is. That doesn't change anything. I don't want to hear that it's you any more than I want to hear that it's anyone else that made it happen. You made a choice. Fine.

[dothelokimotion]

Steve.

[ His voice cracks. ]

My choice was not to stop loving you. It was not to give you up. I still hold to those choices. My choice was — I got scared. I'm still scared.

[livingsymbol]

That's good to hear.

I don't want you to give up on yourself either. You realize that part of you is mine too?

[dothelokimotion]

[ He blinks, at a loss. Normally, he'd be quicker, more adept, but his mind is rather mired. ]

I — What?

[livingsymbol]

You think I want to hear you talk about someone I love like that? Just mistakes and faults and how it's not me. It'd be all right if it was. I won't like it, but it's a hell of a lot better than listening to you talk about yourself like you've never done anything right.

I know that's not true, and it might not be what you think, but that doesn't make hearing it any easier.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki bites back another apology so hard, it makes his tongue bleed. ]

No. Of course not. You should not have to hear it.

[livingsymbol]

Don't.

[ It seems like they are both endlessly frustrating each other. Steve sees that, but he never knows how to fix it. ]

Don't do that. Not for me. You don't have to protect me from anything.

I'm angry. I don't understand how you can take all of this on yourself and forget that we're here too. To help you and to fail as much as you feel you do.

/??

[dothelokimotion]

Because everyone is dead.

[ He's not sure if he screamed that or cried it. He's certainly crying now. ]

It wasn't failure, it was me. My parents died because of me. My people suffered because of me. It does not matter how caused the final blow, it was my hand that led them there. And I cannot do it again. I cannot pretend that I am going to be better anymore. I can't pretend that. I can't lie about that.

[dothelokimotion]

[ and the shame hits him, bright and harsh and he flinches from his own words. ]

And if I repeat that — If I do it again . . .

done

[dothelokimotion]

[ Quietly. ]

I know you would have helped me.

But maybe it's time I fell.

[livingsymbol]

[ Well, now he can't even maintain the anger. Steve sighs, letting the energy fade from his body. ]

You really believe that?

[dothelokimotion]

You were the best thing I ever fought for.

I didn't want you to wake up and realize I was the worst thing you ever had.

[livingsymbol]

That will never happen.

You might not see it, but the light is still alive.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki stares at Steve, at a loss. ]

How?