Video; 1-800-MURDERS

[ragnarsson]

[The video starts off with some cheesy infomercial music, the kind usually found on a device that will cut your hair better or replace all your kitchen devices with one. The narrator, one Jamie Dodger, accompanies a series of drawings.]

Has this ever happened to you?

[A piece of paper is held in front of the camera, showing a crude drawing of someone being violently stabbed to death. Or maybe it's a plate of spaghetti; regardless of which of them drew it, the truth is that their art skills are crap.]

Well, with the help of this eight-step training process, it won't have to. [Dodger's voice lacks every ounce of enthusiasm these infomercials are known for, which is probably why his own video back in the day had been text-only.] Just follow your instructor's guidance and one day you could look like this.

[And again, this drawing is either... someone standing over a pile of corpses, or maybe just a sack of potatoes and some of them have faces? Who knows.]

Time to meet your instructor - Phil Swift himself.

[The video pans over to Ivar, who has the usual somewhat grumpy expression on his face. It’s clear he doesn’t really get this whole idea, but he’s been talked into it. He’ll humor everyone...for now.]

Say something.

Like what?

Sell the product. [Dodger turns the music off with a frustrated huff.] We're not shooting another take.

Fine. [Ivar gives the camera only the most dramatic of all eyerolls.] You all are idiots. I don't care if you have powers, powers don't stop a knife stabbed in your throat. I will teach you to stab people before they stab you. [He looks off to the side of the camera.] Was that good?

...Sure.

[There's an awkward pause here as the boys stare each other down with silent and mutual distaste, before Dodger switches the music back on and resumes his narration.]]

With our teachings you'll be able to stab unaware enemies - [Ivar slices his axe across a dummy's back that they had set up] - slice moving targets - [Dodger throws a pillow from off-screen, and Ivar catches it with his axe and slams it down into the floor] - and even counter fireballs, all from the comfort of your broken leg throne.

[There's another long moment of silence, as Ivar slowly looks up with a cold fire in his eyes.]

And now, ladies and gentleman, for the finale, you get to see a live demonstration. [He yanks his axe back out and there’s a psychotic grin on his face.] Start running, Dodger.

[The video concludes with the device that music is coming from knocking over and warping the sound of the tune with an eerie lilt, and cuts out with a flash of sparks and a loud pop as Dodger dodges an incoming throwing axe.]

[OOC: Know that there will be a lot of threadjacking going on in this post. Dodger and he are horrible human beings.]

Comments

[ragnarsson]

[ONLY GOOD THINGS INDEED. Ivar is going to create a monster, isn't he?]

Have you ever used them before?

[bastardofipswich]

[ Oh, most definitely. ]

I dissected a fetal pig once in bio class, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't count... So, nope! Never. [ But he can throw a punch, so at least he's not 100% useless without magic! ]

[ragnarsson]

I've seen worse places to start off from.

[Like, y'know, not having working legs.]

I can work with that. Why do you dissect pigs in the future? Don't you all have enough to eat?

[bastardofipswich]

[ ...oh, right, the ins and outs of the 21st century high school experience are probably completely alien to Ivar. ]

Oh, yeah, we've got more than enough to eat. It's just something they make teenagers do sometimes, to like... teach you about internal organs, how bodies work, blah blah. A real first-hand look at all the squishy insides... [ And he just lets it trail off at that, because he can only imagine how FREAKING LAME THAT ALL SOUNDS TO A VIKING. ]

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar looks less than impressed at what he sees as backwards logic in his mind.]

I learned all that watching animals get butchered for meals. And watching men get butchered on the battlefield. And seeing people get sacrificed to the gods. [Beat.] There's been a lot of death in my life.

[bastardofipswich]

[ He lets out a short laugh. ] You don't say. They tend to hide all that messy stuff from us these days. [ Chase hums thoughtfully. ] I've had a lot of people in my life die, but I've never seen it. The messy stuff.

[ Now THAT is a bold-faced lie. Pffth. ]

[ragnarsson]

That's a shame. The messy stuff is the best part. Nothing like being six inches away from a man's face when you watch the light dim from his eyes as his spirit goes to Hell.

[Ivar get excited at the mere thought of it. The last time he'd looked into a man's eyes like that, he'd been blood-eagled, screaming so loud they could hear him at a supernatural distance.]

[bastardofipswich]

When you put it like that... [ He grins and puts a hand to his chest. ] Be still my heart!

[ He may be kind of joking here, but he can totally get the appeal. The rush, the feeling of ultimate power over another person as their life comes to a pitiful end. ]

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar groans and runs a hand down his face. His sense of humor is pretty much reserved to cackling when people get stabbed on the battlefields and in bar fights, so he's clearly going to have trouble with Chase.]

Are you always this...much?

[He'll need to work on that or Ivar's likely to end up stabbing him by the end of the first lesson.]

[bastardofipswich]

[ Shruuuuug. ] Pretty much.

[ Okay, not really, but he'd rather be too much than approach much of anything without that attitude of... malicious levity that he likes to use as a shield.

Pls don't stab him. ]

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar just shakes his head. Oh, he's going to need a lot of gods-given strength to get through with this one. He had patience sure, but it was that animal instinct, the kind that made him wait long hours for prey, not the human emotion that allowed him to tolerate bullshit from other people.

Well, one step at a time. Get him into a training session and then Ivar would see if this was going to work out at all.]

This is going to take some time. Speaking of which, we need to decide when we're going to meet.

[bastardofipswich]

I'm flexible. I mean, not during the day, I guess-- [ Since he's got school. And work. Blahblah. ] But evenings and weekends, yeah. Let me know what works.

[ragnarsson]

Weekends will probably work best. I tend to work evenings.

[Ivar's not a morning person, so trying to pry him out of bed to go to work requires something close to the jaws of life.]

[bastardofipswich]

Weekends it is. Pick a time and place, and I'll be there.

[ He should probably ask if he needs to bring his own knives or dress a certain way or some-- NAH ]