Video; 1-800-MURDERS

[ragnarsson]

[The video starts off with some cheesy infomercial music, the kind usually found on a device that will cut your hair better or replace all your kitchen devices with one. The narrator, one Jamie Dodger, accompanies a series of drawings.]

Has this ever happened to you?

[A piece of paper is held in front of the camera, showing a crude drawing of someone being violently stabbed to death. Or maybe it's a plate of spaghetti; regardless of which of them drew it, the truth is that their art skills are crap.]

Well, with the help of this eight-step training process, it won't have to. [Dodger's voice lacks every ounce of enthusiasm these infomercials are known for, which is probably why his own video back in the day had been text-only.] Just follow your instructor's guidance and one day you could look like this.

[And again, this drawing is either... someone standing over a pile of corpses, or maybe just a sack of potatoes and some of them have faces? Who knows.]

Time to meet your instructor - Phil Swift himself.

[The video pans over to Ivar, who has the usual somewhat grumpy expression on his face. It’s clear he doesn’t really get this whole idea, but he’s been talked into it. He’ll humor everyone...for now.]

Say something.

Like what?

Sell the product. [Dodger turns the music off with a frustrated huff.] We're not shooting another take.

Fine. [Ivar gives the camera only the most dramatic of all eyerolls.] You all are idiots. I don't care if you have powers, powers don't stop a knife stabbed in your throat. I will teach you to stab people before they stab you. [He looks off to the side of the camera.] Was that good?

...Sure.

[There's an awkward pause here as the boys stare each other down with silent and mutual distaste, before Dodger switches the music back on and resumes his narration.]]

With our teachings you'll be able to stab unaware enemies - [Ivar slices his axe across a dummy's back that they had set up] - slice moving targets - [Dodger throws a pillow from off-screen, and Ivar catches it with his axe and slams it down into the floor] - and even counter fireballs, all from the comfort of your broken leg throne.

[There's another long moment of silence, as Ivar slowly looks up with a cold fire in his eyes.]

And now, ladies and gentleman, for the finale, you get to see a live demonstration. [He yanks his axe back out and there’s a psychotic grin on his face.] Start running, Dodger.

[The video concludes with the device that music is coming from knocking over and warping the sound of the tune with an eerie lilt, and cuts out with a flash of sparks and a loud pop as Dodger dodges an incoming throwing axe.]

[OOC: Know that there will be a lot of threadjacking going on in this post. Dodger and he are horrible human beings.]

Comments

[video] un: b1gbrother

[relieable]

[Osomatsu hears the name Dodger and bells go off in his mind. wasn't that the name of the guy who... well, he ignores that for now, and instead addresses his good pal Ivar the viking]

Um, holy shit, dude! That was badass!

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar is winding up to throw another axe at Dodger, the whole time ranting and raving about what he's going to do with his dead corpse.]

I'm gonna bury you in a place where only the ravens will be able to pick out your eye--

[Then he realizes there's a video response on his comm. He stops trying to kill Dodger for a moment as he looks to see who it is. It's shocking how quickly Ivar goes from murderous Viking to having a conversation at the drop of a hat.]

Oh, hello, Osomatsu. Care to learn to do it yourself?

[Though they'll have to start small if he does. Ivar has misgivings as to whether or not the NEET can even lift an axe, let along throw one.]

[video] [un: j.snow]

[northerndragon]

[... What?

The camera is fumbled and initially focuses on a shoulder before moving suddenly up to Jon's face. His hair is pulled back, but he seems to be wearing a plain black tshirt rather than his leathers.]

There's no need for this. If someone wants to learn to fight to defend themselves, I'll teach them for free.

[ragnarsson]

[Pause. And blink. Ivar looks a little surprised. Huh. There is a face Ivar had thought he wasn't going to see again. He'd just assumed Jon had gone back through the portal for good like so many others.]

You did tell me last time you were here that you were a good fighter.

[Though he'd never gotten the chance to actually fight him.]

But if you're good at something, why do it for free?

[He's got a kid to take care of. The extra buck or two doesn't hurt.]

» video, un: stormborn

[jelmazmo]

In that case, I'd like to be the first.

( Her expression is one of avid interest, mixed with a cool solemnity. )

video @d.va

[bunnyhopped]

[ What a bunch of weirods. Hana can't help but feel that boys will be boys and it shows on her expression, too. ]

Delivery needs some work, you guys have like no stage presence. But the demonstration...

[ That, she kind of wants to see. ]

[ragnarsson]

Get back here, you son of a bitch!

[That's directed towards Dodger. Ivar's determined to take off another body part. This time, it's going to be a foot or a hand. Then he directs his next words towards Hana.]

Give me a few minutes. I'll show you just how effective an axe can be against someone even if they do have powers.

» video, un: stormborn

[jelmazmo]

So, this is what a sellsword does in this world.

( Ngl: she's disappointed. This level of bravado and showmanship is much more Daario's style than this boy. At least at first glance. )

[ragnarsson]

It took me six months to work up to this point. I'm usually not much of a teacher.

[Indeed, had he attempted this at the start, Ivar likely would have ended up gutting any potential students. He's made quite a bit of progress in that regard.]

But I've found teaching people has some satisfaction to it. Is a sellsword some sort of mercenary in your world?

@dodger//audio

[smokedout]

In this world, sellswords do whatever they can to keep themselves sane. There's no use for us around here.

[Well, isn't someone moody.]

Nowadays we call them 'hired guns', though. You from the past, like Ragnarsson?

video; un: RuffRabbit

[bunnyblock]

[For the very first time since he's come to rivewview, he's answering this with video. Maybe because he wants to show exactly how much disdain he has for this sort of thing in person.]

...Real fights are boring, these days.

Especially when it's just for sport, or to show off.

[Because that's seriously all he's seeing here. A lot of showing off.]

@dodger//video

[smokedout]

Trust me, when Ragnarsson's involved it's never for sport.

[In fact, he could only get to these replies once he'd given up on cooling Ivar down and just gone back to his apartment.]

People like us fight to kill. That's what we consider fun.

[ragnarsson]

[Boring? Sport? Show off? Hmph. What a rude rabbit.]

Have you ever actually been in a real fight?

voice | shifter.raven

[crowgirl]

Some people with "powers" are perfectly capable of surviving a stab to the throat.

[ Not her, but she's seen people crystallise to avoid harm before, so- ]

You should probably think about putting up a disclaimer, before anyone starts taking you two seriously.

@dodger//audio

[smokedout]

Whether anyone takes it seriously isn't really my problem. If the kid wants to keep bringing a knife to a gun fight, that's on him.

voice : un: scavenger.rey

[talentedscavenger]

{Part of Rey wants to ask if he's joking, but clearly he's not...She wants to sigh badly.]

"Stab unaware enemies?" That's not about defending yourself at that point.

[ragnarsson]

It got the point across, didn't it?

[Ivar shrugs. He's not the most eloquent when it comes to explaining violence and weapons-training.]

video; un: bewitchy

[bastardofipswich]

[ His eyes are all lit up over THE PROMISE OF VIOLENCE. ]

I'll sign up. If you land a hit on that guy.

[ragnarsson]

Hold on.

[Ivar actually slips out of the wheelchair, leaving the video pointed at an askew angle that doesn't show anything. There's what sounds like a scuffle for about a minute and then an 'Ow!' Ivar comes back over and gets back in his seat, a little bit of blood on the knife he's holding.]

Does that satisfy you?

@dodger//video

[smokedout]

[Oh look, it's Dodger. Moody and still nursing a slice across his side.]

You got a lust for blood, or just a death wish?

[video] un: goldenqueen

[superstring]

The right powers can stop any weapon.

[ragnarsson]

I don't believe that. Anyone can be killed with the right type of weapon.

( video; ) un: shigeru miyata

[mysophobic]

[ Oh my god are you just trying to give him a heart attack?! Like for real. There is nothing okay about live demonstrations using people?! And since he's using video he's just going to hold up his board for them two to read. ]

We should learning how to work together, not how to stab and harm each other!

[ He doesn't understand stabbing people who could be allies when something really bad happens?! ]

Dodger are you...okay? [ Ivar why?! ]

@dodger//video

[smokedout]

Everyone deals with adversity different. You, by helping them... us, by showing dominance.

[Dodger's nursing a wound on his side, but otherwise looks... about as beat up as usual.]

...I'm fine. It's just a scratch.

[No it's not.]

video; un: b.rocks

[billyrocks]

[Well... that was interesting.]

Pretty handy with that axe.

[He nods at Ivar.]

But I think I'll stick with my knives.

[ragnarsson]

I agree. A good knife can be-- Hold on.

[He tosses the axe with blurring speed, but alas, it hits nothing.]

Damn. As I was saying, a good knife is better than just about any other weapon. I'm sure Dodger would agree considering how many times I've stabbed him with one.

video; un: sg.rogers

[livingsymbol]

Well, that's something.

[ Are they friends? Rivals? He can't tell. ]

[ragnarsson]

[Enemies who work together when it was convenient...most days. The truth was a little more complicated than that.]

Something good, I hope.

video; un: ghostking

[deathkid]

[ really, now? ivar, he's looking at you kinda like "you better not drag blood into the mansion." ]

I like to think I do pretty well with stabbing things on my own.

[ragnarsson]

[Psh, Nico, what kind of an uncivilized barbarian do you take him for? He aims another axe at Dodger off-screen, throwing it with unerring aim.]

There's always room for improvement.