Video; 1-800-MURDERS

[ragnarsson]

[The video starts off with some cheesy infomercial music, the kind usually found on a device that will cut your hair better or replace all your kitchen devices with one. The narrator, one Jamie Dodger, accompanies a series of drawings.]

Has this ever happened to you?

[A piece of paper is held in front of the camera, showing a crude drawing of someone being violently stabbed to death. Or maybe it's a plate of spaghetti; regardless of which of them drew it, the truth is that their art skills are crap.]

Well, with the help of this eight-step training process, it won't have to. [Dodger's voice lacks every ounce of enthusiasm these infomercials are known for, which is probably why his own video back in the day had been text-only.] Just follow your instructor's guidance and one day you could look like this.

[And again, this drawing is either... someone standing over a pile of corpses, or maybe just a sack of potatoes and some of them have faces? Who knows.]

Time to meet your instructor - Phil Swift himself.

[The video pans over to Ivar, who has the usual somewhat grumpy expression on his face. It’s clear he doesn’t really get this whole idea, but he’s been talked into it. He’ll humor everyone...for now.]

Say something.

Like what?

Sell the product. [Dodger turns the music off with a frustrated huff.] We're not shooting another take.

Fine. [Ivar gives the camera only the most dramatic of all eyerolls.] You all are idiots. I don't care if you have powers, powers don't stop a knife stabbed in your throat. I will teach you to stab people before they stab you. [He looks off to the side of the camera.] Was that good?

...Sure.

[There's an awkward pause here as the boys stare each other down with silent and mutual distaste, before Dodger switches the music back on and resumes his narration.]]

With our teachings you'll be able to stab unaware enemies - [Ivar slices his axe across a dummy's back that they had set up] - slice moving targets - [Dodger throws a pillow from off-screen, and Ivar catches it with his axe and slams it down into the floor] - and even counter fireballs, all from the comfort of your broken leg throne.

[There's another long moment of silence, as Ivar slowly looks up with a cold fire in his eyes.]

And now, ladies and gentleman, for the finale, you get to see a live demonstration. [He yanks his axe back out and there’s a psychotic grin on his face.] Start running, Dodger.

[The video concludes with the device that music is coming from knocking over and warping the sound of the tune with an eerie lilt, and cuts out with a flash of sparks and a loud pop as Dodger dodges an incoming throwing axe.]

[OOC: Know that there will be a lot of threadjacking going on in this post. Dodger and he are horrible human beings.]

Comments

[bunnyhopped]

[ At this point the 'demonstration' has become secondary to her conversation with Dodger, sorry Ivar. But she's still paying attention, at least, humming when the legs of that chair come off. ]

Puts up with? He's literally my roommate, Dodger. You were throwing rocks at our window.

[ She watches the fireball whizz off and tilts her head, hoping it doesn't hit Ivar. ]

And how do you think you're going to make it up to me?

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar is only half paying attention to their conversation. He's still actively trying to land a blow on Dodger. At the fireball coming his way, he turns his axe to the side, and bats it away like a baseball player up to play.]

Stand still and fight fair, you dog!

[smokedout]

[Dodger moves aside again, mostly just to keep Ivar in his view, and grins at that.]

What, you think fair has time for your gimp-ass legs?

[Right. His conversation with Hana. It seems like a distraction now compared to jeering at Ivar, but he manages to turn his attention back to it.]

...Message me later, after I've broken a leg or two on this cocky bitch. Alright? We'll discuss some terms.

[bunnyhopped]

[ Well, that's that. She doesn't give a verbal response to what Dodger says; she merely shrugs and then leans back and produces... is that a bag of chips?

Yeah, she's gonna start snacking while watching these two scuffle on video. In between tossing some chips in her mouth she finally vocalizes who she's rooting for: ]

Kick his ass, Ivar!

[ragnarsson]

[The encouragement is enough to give Ivar his second wind. He slips out of his wheelchair, leaving the phone behind to continue recording at a weird angle. He lets out a battle cry as he attempts to tackle Dodger by the feet.]

Skeggǫld! [Literally 'Axe time!' in Old Norse.]

[smokedout]

[He rolls his eyes at Hana, but there's a smirk on his face as he jumps up and teleports a foot further in the air, coming down sharply on Ivar's legs and back.]

You really think I wouldn't be prepared for that, dumbass?

[bunnyhopped]

[ Hana winces when Dodger lands squarely on Ivar's legs because, yeowch, that's kind of a dick move. But she's just going to keep watching, boys, don't mind her. ]

[ragnarsson]

[Oh. Ouch. That hurt. A lot. But Ivar refuses to show any sort of weakness, especially over the network where it'll be recorded for all eternity. He swallows down the pain and glares up at Dodger.]

I may be a slow learner--[He throws his last axe where Dodger is, fully expecting him to teleport.] --but I learn. [Then he swiftly whips around and throws a knife at the spot he thinks Dodger is going to teleport to.] Unlike you.

[smokedout]

[Dodger does teleport, but he seems to entirely leave the room. The trail of sparks that usually announces his path just... stops. And that confusion lasts a second or two before Ivar recieves a kick to the head from somewhere and Dodger winks back into existence, jeering proudly.]

What was that about not learning?

[bunnyhopped]

[ Hana squints at her screen when Dodger appears to disappear entirely, well that was pretty anticlimactic but she supposes she can have a conversation with Ivar now—

except there he is again, and her eyes go wide at the suddenness of it all. Her head tilts and she hums thoughtfully. This... doesn't feel like a fair fight. ]

This kind of thing happen between you two all the time or what?

[ she sighs. Men. ]

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar goes still like all the fight's been beaten out of him. He's playing possum, going for a different tactic now. He'd like to respond to Hana, but he's hoping Dodger will come just a little bit closer. The man's ego does make him love to brag so.]