Video; 1-800-MURDERS

[ragnarsson]

[The video starts off with some cheesy infomercial music, the kind usually found on a device that will cut your hair better or replace all your kitchen devices with one. The narrator, one Jamie Dodger, accompanies a series of drawings.]

Has this ever happened to you?

[A piece of paper is held in front of the camera, showing a crude drawing of someone being violently stabbed to death. Or maybe it's a plate of spaghetti; regardless of which of them drew it, the truth is that their art skills are crap.]

Well, with the help of this eight-step training process, it won't have to. [Dodger's voice lacks every ounce of enthusiasm these infomercials are known for, which is probably why his own video back in the day had been text-only.] Just follow your instructor's guidance and one day you could look like this.

[And again, this drawing is either... someone standing over a pile of corpses, or maybe just a sack of potatoes and some of them have faces? Who knows.]

Time to meet your instructor - Phil Swift himself.

[The video pans over to Ivar, who has the usual somewhat grumpy expression on his face. It’s clear he doesn’t really get this whole idea, but he’s been talked into it. He’ll humor everyone...for now.]

Say something.

Like what?

Sell the product. [Dodger turns the music off with a frustrated huff.] We're not shooting another take.

Fine. [Ivar gives the camera only the most dramatic of all eyerolls.] You all are idiots. I don't care if you have powers, powers don't stop a knife stabbed in your throat. I will teach you to stab people before they stab you. [He looks off to the side of the camera.] Was that good?

...Sure.

[There's an awkward pause here as the boys stare each other down with silent and mutual distaste, before Dodger switches the music back on and resumes his narration.]]

With our teachings you'll be able to stab unaware enemies - [Ivar slices his axe across a dummy's back that they had set up] - slice moving targets - [Dodger throws a pillow from off-screen, and Ivar catches it with his axe and slams it down into the floor] - and even counter fireballs, all from the comfort of your broken leg throne.

[There's another long moment of silence, as Ivar slowly looks up with a cold fire in his eyes.]

And now, ladies and gentleman, for the finale, you get to see a live demonstration. [He yanks his axe back out and there’s a psychotic grin on his face.] Start running, Dodger.

[The video concludes with the device that music is coming from knocking over and warping the sound of the tune with an eerie lilt, and cuts out with a flash of sparks and a loud pop as Dodger dodges an incoming throwing axe.]

[OOC: Know that there will be a lot of threadjacking going on in this post. Dodger and he are horrible human beings.]

Comments

[livingsymbol]

Well, it was... impressive?

[ Which isn't a lie. It is. He's just unsure of what exactly he witnessed. ]

What if people want to learn defense without killing anyone?

[ragnarsson]

The best defense is a good offense. Or is it the other way around...?

[That makes Ivar think for a moment.]

Anyway, I'm just teaching valuable and practical skills. What people use them for is up to them.

[livingsymbol]

That sounds mercenary.

[ But he is dealing with a Viking, so he's not really surprised or upset by the idea. Bothered, yes, but it's a familiar discomfort to Steve. He works with SHIELD on a regular basis. ]

You must be confident if you think you can take on magic.

[ That part is actually a compliment. ]

[ragnarsson]

It's called practicality where I'm from. There's only two types of warriors back home: the ones still fighting and the dead ones in Valhalla.

[Ivar shrugs modestly.]

I've never encountered anything I can't find a way to take on.

[livingsymbol]

Heh. Well, I'd like to see that, anyway. Your partner looks like he barely escaped.

Still trying to figure out what he gets from this.

[ Because Ivar made him look like target practice. ]

[ragnarsson]

He owed me a favor.

[There had been some things that happened during the memory event which involved a gun range and Ivar refusing to shoot.]

That's why he did this.

[livingsymbol]

It looks like you might have gotten your money's worth. He gonna be okay?

[Not that they seemed to be serious. Still, he has to ask. It's only right. And it is Ivar he's talking to.]

[ragnarsson]

I don't know and I don't care.

[Don't worry, Steve. If he was serious about killing Dodger, he'd do a lot more than just stab him a few times.]

[livingsymbol]

[ He really doesn't understand this violent friendship thing. It's not the first time he's seen it, but he's not the type to lean toward violence without having a mission or reason. ]

Mm... Who have you been training so far?

[ragnarsson]

[What Ivar and Dodger has is very complicated and forever-changing. They're not precisely friends in the traditional sense of the word, but neither is the man entirely an enemy anymore.]

I've got a couple people. Some witches, a friend, and Osomatsu...I do wonder about the latter.

[Namely if he was going to end up impaling his hand on a knife during a training session with Ivar.]

[livingsymbol]

[Steve is confused by the unclear nature of their interactions. While Ivar doesn't seem to seriously dislike Dodger, his attitude toward him is aggressive enough to make Steve wonder if he should be concerned for someone's health. But at the moment everything seems calm enough. Well, except the way Ivar suggests that maybe his students aren't all the most prepared.]

Uh. Don't bleed them out.

[ragnarsson]

[Ivar and Dodger have a very complicated relationship. It was doubtful either of them could ever explain just what made it up.]

I'll do my absolute best to teach them enough basics to keep from stabbing themselves.

[After that, it was in the gods' hands what they used those skills for.]