video; un: liches.get.stitches

[spellslots]

[Today on your screen is everybody's favorite shitty wizard, who's currently sitting in a park somewhere and using mage hand to make sure the camera is at a good angle.

#priorities]

What's up, my dudes? It's ya boy Taako, here to make a super important announcement to save anyone getting their panties in a twist about this shit.

[He's already nailing this whole polite and informative announcement thing.]

Soooo, the people here aren't evil. [Taako shrugs.] It's a fucking revelation, I know, but listen, they're not lying about the whole portal thing and we're not here to be turned into people soup or whatever the hell folks are worried about. I mean, there's for sure some dicks in the bunch so totally not my fault if you get mugged, but uh, the people overall? Have good intentions.

[There's a shrug there, just to finish off his very well-constructed explanation.

Although he should probably also say how he knows this:]

The spirit of some real old and powerful witch told me this shit, bee-tee-dubs, and yeah, before you ask, I know she was telling the truth. That's how the spell works.

[Just take his word for it, folks!

He looks like he's about to hang up, before pausing.]

Uh, right, there's a whole new load of us idiots, isn't there? Hi, I'm Taako, in case you missed it when I said it thirty seconds ago, and that's T-double-A-K-O, not like the food. Sorry to start you off on such a fucking boring note, but here we are. Welcome to Riverview Quarantine or whatever.

[ok bye]

Comments

[spellslots]

Well, no cause then I'd be a fucking god, not a wizard.

But don't worry too much, pumpkin, the backfire's always on me.

[Maybe not every spell, but there's not a whole lot of spells he has that can go wrong in a way that would hurt other people.]

1/3

[eyeforaneye]

You're saying that like I should know the differences, but "wizards" aren't a well-known entity where I'm from.

2/3

[eyeforaneye]

3/3

[eyeforaneye]

And I'm not your pumpkin.

[ thank you jesus ]

[spellslots]

Sooo you don't know anything about wizards and yet here you are tryna lecture me about how I should be using my magic

[Nevermind that "be careful" is pretty general across the board.]

[eyeforaneye]

Yes.

[ Ah, perfect, we're finally on the same page. ]

[spellslots]

You're a fucking riot, my man.

[eyeforaneye]

The nature of the power is secondary to its effects and how its used.

[spellslots]

I mean, like, except for the fact where my spells can't like accidentally summon some eldritch horror or whatever the hell you're worried about, so the lecture is completely fucking pointless

[eyeforaneye]

What is "eldritch" and why are you typing out "like" that way?

[spellslots]

You know, creepy demon things from beyond the void.

I said like cause I'm using eldritch horrors in a general sense?

[eyeforaneye]

Which "void"?

[ Please help him, this will go on for hours. ]

[spellslots]

Do I look like the internet?

[He's going to send Sasuke the Riverview equivalent of LMGTFY.]

[eyeforaneye]

[ ... you know it's coming.

You know. ]

What's the "internet"?

[spellslots]

I'm from a world without half the shit they have here and I figured that out on my first day. Get your shit together.

[This dude clearly has a device, so he has no excuse]

[eyeforaneye]

In that case I have more research to do independently.

Who exactly was this woman, again?

[spellslots]

The witch of the river.

[He could be more helpful but: nah]

[eyeforaneye]

Which makes her a qualified source of information somehow.

[spellslots]

Yes :)

[eyeforaneye]

[ ... ]

Everything about this feels like bullshit.

[spellslots]

You can think what you want, my dude, it's no skin off my nose

[eyeforaneye]

Seems it'll need to be investigated in some way. What's her name?

[spellslots]

I think she stopped giving a shit about names about a century after she died

[eyeforaneye]

That's a ridiculous way for her to conduct herself if she's going to continue interactions with the living.

[spellslots]

Not really good at paying attention, are ya?