riverview | @det.prettyboy; text

@det.prettyboy; text

Hey everyone! I don't post on here super often, but I've been laid up for a week now and I'm going a little crazy. Total cabin fever.

I used to see forums like this on the internet back home, and I thought it might be kind of fun here too, so I thought I'd give it a try, because reading those forums was always a lot of fun.

So, Crowd-Sourced Relationship Advice!

I turned on anonymous posting on here, so you can make a fake username and submit a description of a problem that you're having in your relationships, either romantic or at work or whatever, and other anonymous people can give you advice!

Or you can stay logged in on your real account. Up to you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Right.

So is that what you're sticking with or are you going to take that and do something else?

[ There's a rather lengthy silence while Poe looks at that question. Wallow in guilt. Let it eat you inside. That's what he's doing, and it's costing him friendships and respect. ]

guess not, since that's what landed me here.

you get down deep enough and it's hard to see a way out, though.

I know.

But it's okay to let someone pull you out. You might end up with a different view of things.

you offering?

That was the idea, yeah.

you don't even know who i am.

From what little you've said so far, I can at least empathize with some of your situation.

Sometimes that helps, even if the person doesn't otherwise know you.

[ A delay long enough that Victor might think he's just not going to reply. ]

all right. i'll bite.

show me yours and i'll show you mine.

You want to talk about failing someone, I'm the reigning champion of thinking that.

My brother died because of me, and when I brought him back, I locked him away because he was dangerous.

I failed a woman who only wanted to be with the man she loved-- on purpose. And because of that, countless people were hurt.

[ This is being honest with a vengeance, and Poe wasn't prepared for it in the least.

Countless people. ]

I

[ He stops. It's a coward's move to stay hidden. ]

I got an entire bomb squadron killed, then mutinied and nearly cost everyone in the Resistance--I nearly got everyone in my family killed. Most of them... We went from four hundred to fifteen, and I didn't do anything but help people die.

Here...

[ It takes a little while for him to settle on just one thing. He doesn't want to be told Paige Tico's disappearance isn't his fault. He knows, on some level, that it isn't. The guilt of it is still there.

Really, what he's done here is on such a smaller scale. They don't feel smaller though. Not right now. ]

I met someone good. Someone who gave me a lot. Gave me everything. Trusted me.

I took his trust and broke it and he... [ An disbelieving exhalation. ] He still...

[ Poe trails off quietly, thinking about it, doing more than just mentally punishing himself for not being the kind of person John deserves.

Even after Poe walked away, John still checked on him. Still offered Poe someone to talk to.

Maybe he's still got a chance.

He pulls himself back from that thought for now. For now: ]

What happened to them? Your brother, the woman?

I was never in a war-type situation, so I can't really relate to that part. But carrying the weight of deaths like that is pretty common. Not that it makes it easier, of course.

[He's not sure how to respond to the comment about this guy having someone good and breaking their trust]

Well, my brother's still undead and locked up, as far as I know. I sort of lost track of him. I'd like to think he found peace.

As for the woman, she actually did find peace. She was in a dark place for a long time, but she turned herself around.

Glad to hear that. Sort of. The last part. I hope you're right about the brother part.

[ Poe sighs quietly, feeling worn. ]

I've been fighting for a long time. Losing people for a long time. They've died on missions I've led. But I've never ordered people into death like that before, knowing the odds and not caring. I...

[ He doesn't know what happened to him. It seemed right in the moment, it seemed imperative. It might even have been a good decision on some level--what if the dreadnought had still been operable when they all dropped out of hyperspace? How long could the fleet have lasted?

But he couldn't have known that. In the moment, he wanted blood. ]

I don't know. That's where it started, everything here, remembering that, and I've just... [ He never pulled out of that tailspin. He thought he had. He hadn't. ]

I think I understand. The deaths weigh on you either way, but there's a difference. When you try your hardest and still fail to save lives, it's painful. But when you don't care about the consequences and go forward anyway....

[Their situations are different but he does know what that's like, to not care about the consequences as long as it achieves his goal]

It's an even harder hit when you remember all you've done, all you've cost. You can't escape it and you hate yourself for what you did, and it just keeps spiraling. It'll get to a point where you're reckless and self-destructive. It's hard to pull out of that, I know.

You need to find some way to prove to yourself that you can still do something good, that you can help. I don't know what that would be for you, and it's fine if you have to keep assuring yourself. But seriously, find something.

[ It'll get to a point where you're reckless and self-destructive.

Poe almost, almost laughs.

God, he owes Finn about a dozen and a half apologies. ]

I'm not sure what it would be either. Work...

It's hard being there, it's hard not being there. I've got that, I've got a ship to fix. That's pretty much what I've got, here. Anything I could really be useful for is back home.

You're not in your world, and whatever you did there can't be helped here and now, so focus on what you can do in this world.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

@det.prettyboy; text

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[private/anon]

[fuck that noise he's going off anon]

[ still anon 1/2 ]

2/2 - NOT ANON ANY MORE more introspective rambling go i g

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