DO NOT BUY FURNITURE FROM QUARANTINE CRAIGSLIST!!!! (un: j.calhoun)

[bardish]

WARNING DO NOT BUY USED FURNITURE OFF THE NETWORK!! Some of the sellers here are VERY unscrupulous! I am now the proud owner of:

- 1 cursed endtable (IT KEEPS INSULTING MY MOTHER WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP??)

- 1 set of drawers that was housing a colony of space termites

- 1 mattress that is stained with either blood or cranberry juice or chocolate i'm not sure which. maybe all 3? now i have to sleep on a futon like i'm 19 yrs old again and it's KILLING my back

Anyway is anyone in the market for some gently used furniture?

[ jk jk he's not a big enough to dick to unload this NIGHTMARE FURNITURE onto anybody else. ]

Comments

un: TheStrandInstitute

[nobasisinfact]

Clearly you can't be left to your own devices.

[He's not laughing at you Jeff, he's laughing at your life choices ... and also at you.]

Bring the mattress over and I'll see what I can do about the stain.

[bardish]

I've never had this much trouble with used furniture before! maybe i'm off my game...

[ YOU THINK, JEFF? ]

i think the mattress might need to be burned with sage and salt or something

[nobasisinfact]

Doubtful.

Perhaps you should just purchase new furniture.

[He feels like he's going to end up having to go with him.]

[bardish]

Somebody's offering me a whole bedroom set in exchange for a case of beer... what are the odds i'm being craigslist scammed again?

[ Oh you are, Richard. You are going to help him furnish his sweet new pad. ]

[nobasisinfact]

High.

Do you even know their name?

[bardish]

[ Speaking of 'high,' that was almost certainly the state he was in while buying furniture from space craigslist. ]

Not... yet? I guess i should get that

[ He's just desperate for a new bed after however many nights on a futon sob. ]

[nobasisinfact]

[He's pretty sure he'll have to have an intervention for Jeff sooner or later.]

Use your head.

[bardish]

not making any promises there!

[ He's totally kidding! ]

[nobasisinfact]

What have you learned about this mysterious furniture benifactor?

[bardish]

now? his name, his skills, and the fact that he wants to be paid in beer

so, worst case scenario: i'm out a case of beer

[ Which is fine, since he barely ever drinks beer. HUZZAH. ]

[nobasisinfact]

Skills? It sounds as if you're highering him rathar than purchasing furniture.

You should just go buy your own furniture new.

[bardish]

I swear i'll do that if this beer barter doesn't work out...

[nobasisinfact]

You should give up this barter.

[bardish]

but I'm so close!! if I give up now i'll be forever haunted by the question: what if he's legit?

[nobasisinfact]

Learn to live with disappointment. Or would you prefer to be missing a kidney.