DO NOT BUY FURNITURE FROM QUARANTINE CRAIGSLIST!!!! (un: j.calhoun)

[bardish]

WARNING DO NOT BUY USED FURNITURE OFF THE NETWORK!! Some of the sellers here are VERY unscrupulous! I am now the proud owner of:

- 1 cursed endtable (IT KEEPS INSULTING MY MOTHER WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP??)

- 1 set of drawers that was housing a colony of space termites

- 1 mattress that is stained with either blood or cranberry juice or chocolate i'm not sure which. maybe all 3? now i have to sleep on a futon like i'm 19 yrs old again and it's KILLING my back

Anyway is anyone in the market for some gently used furniture?

[ jk jk he's not a big enough to dick to unload this NIGHTMARE FURNITURE onto anybody else. ]

Comments

text; @maverick

[deploy]

I didn’t know used mattress came without stains. They’re practically a design feature.

[bardish]

the stains aren't the problem per se

[ Per se. SOMEBODY'S BEING FANCY TONIGHT. ]

it's more the fact that they seem to be pretty fresh. And also blood?? call me a superstitious guy but that seems to be asking for a haunting

[ Look, he's not going to rule anything out, given the possibly-possessed endtable. ]

[deploy]

I'd be more concerned about catching a disease than a ghost.

How hard up are you that you couldn't buy a new mattress?

[bardish]

Hey man i'm moving to an unfurnished 2 bedroom and all my furniture is on planet earth circa 2018. this stuff gets expensive!

un: TheStrandInstitute

[nobasisinfact]

Clearly you can't be left to your own devices.

[He's not laughing at you Jeff, he's laughing at your life choices ... and also at you.]

Bring the mattress over and I'll see what I can do about the stain.

[deploy]

Where do you work, the Riverview equivalent of McDonald's?

text; un: o.grady

[alfa]

Buying a used mattress off the internet, sounds to me like you got just what you were asking for.

[ Yes he knows, technically not the internet but it's what passes off as that around here. ]

Actually, buying a used mattress at all? Bad idea. [ Even he knows that. ]

[bardish]

I've never had this much trouble with used furniture before! maybe i'm off my game...

[ YOU THINK, JEFF? ]

i think the mattress might need to be burned with sage and salt or something

[bardish]

I'm a teacher

[ It's just hard to tell because he texts like a 13 year old. BUT HE PROMISES HE'S MUCH MORE ELOQUENT IN EMAILS. ]

text; @wingingit

[volitaunt]

Oh.

Uh.

Sorry.

My roommate and I resold that endtable. I guess no one wants to keep it.

[bardish]

My last sketchy used mattress had a very good run actually

[ Not everyone can buy brand new mattresses like they're a Rockefeller or something! Granted, the last time he bought a sketchy used mattress, he was like, 20 and had no standards. ]

but I guess next time i'll refine my search to "mattresses not used in any murders or human sacrifices"

[deploy]

Well that explains everything.

Listen, one of my housemates went home recently and he left most of his crap behind. A bedroom set and then some, all pretty much brand new. Don't think he even took the plastic off his mattress. Guy spent most of his time working.

I've been too lazy/busy to get rid of it myself. You want it? Case of beer and it's yours.

[Attached is a photo of a simple, modern bedroom set. Black wood and clean lines. There's a bed frame (and mattress), dresser, desk, lamp, wheelie chair, and side tables.

He wasn't kidding when he said 'most'.]

[bardish]

huh

well

Maybe it just needs to find a home with someone looking for a very mean and completely immobile pet

[alfa]

[ There are cheap mattresses!!! Or make your own, you know. Better than nothing. (He wouldn't know, his trailers came with cheap mattresses included.) ]

Or food play gone wrong. Just in case.

I don't really think you'll have much luck selling those. Unless you run into an insect enthusiast. They'd probably love a termite-infested drawer set.

[volitaunt]

it wasn't even mean, it just kept getting in fights with my droid at two in the morning.

NO NEVERMIND 1/1

[bardish]

Ok on the one hand i want to jump on this deal immediately

on the other this is how i ended up with a bloody mattress and a cursed endtable. you could be catfishing me with that attachment

[bardish]

...can i ask which one tended to win these fights?

[ He's honestly just. VERY CURIOUS. ]

[nobasisinfact]

Doubtful.

Perhaps you should just purchase new furniture.

[He feels like he's going to end up having to go with him.]

[deploy]

What does catfishing have to do with furniture?

Buddy, you can rest assured that I have no intention of noodling you.

text: scavenger.rey

[talentedscavenger]

Why did you buy a stained mattress? Shouldn't that have been one of the first things you checked?

[volitaunt]

bb-8 would say he won most of the time but it was really 50/50

1/3

[bardish]

No wait that's a GREAT idea! i just need to find an entomologist

[bardish]

I'VE GOT IT!! WHERE'S DR GOODSIR?

3/3

[bardish]

...sorry I just got really excited and it now occurs to me that you might have no idea who i'm talking about

[bardish]

The guy who sold it to me seemed really cool so i took his word for it

also the side of the mattress i saw was blood/cranberry juice free