DO NOT BUY FURNITURE FROM QUARANTINE CRAIGSLIST!!!! (un: j.calhoun)

[bardish]

WARNING DO NOT BUY USED FURNITURE OFF THE NETWORK!! Some of the sellers here are VERY unscrupulous! I am now the proud owner of:

- 1 cursed endtable (IT KEEPS INSULTING MY MOTHER WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP??)

- 1 set of drawers that was housing a colony of space termites

- 1 mattress that is stained with either blood or cranberry juice or chocolate i'm not sure which. maybe all 3? now i have to sleep on a futon like i'm 19 yrs old again and it's KILLING my back

Anyway is anyone in the market for some gently used furniture?

[ jk jk he's not a big enough to dick to unload this NIGHTMARE FURNITURE onto anybody else. ]

Comments

[deploy]

Well that explains everything.

Listen, one of my housemates went home recently and he left most of his crap behind. A bedroom set and then some, all pretty much brand new. Don't think he even took the plastic off his mattress. Guy spent most of his time working.

I've been too lazy/busy to get rid of it myself. You want it? Case of beer and it's yours.

[Attached is a photo of a simple, modern bedroom set. Black wood and clean lines. There's a bed frame (and mattress), dresser, desk, lamp, wheelie chair, and side tables.

He wasn't kidding when he said 'most'.]

NO NEVERMIND 1/1

[bardish]

Ok on the one hand i want to jump on this deal immediately

on the other this is how i ended up with a bloody mattress and a cursed endtable. you could be catfishing me with that attachment

[deploy]

What does catfishing have to do with furniture?

Buddy, you can rest assured that I have no intention of noodling you.

[bardish]

I

no i didn't think you wanted to noodle me

2/2

[bardish]

so do you have any preferences?

FOR BEER I MEAN not for noodling!

[deploy]

I'm easy either way.

1/2

[bardish]

ok great i'll surprise you

2/2

[bardish]

also you should probably tell me your name and where to meet you

Please don't be a serial killer or a scammer, man, because i'm REALLY counting on you here

[deploy]

John Sheppard.

Don't worry, I'm not a serial killer. I get paid to shoot people. I'm really good at it.

Scam wise? No offense, but it doesn't sound like you've got anything worth stealing. If I want a stained mattress of my own I'll check a dumpster.

[bardish]

[ John Sheppard?

...

Oh! He's heard of you! ]

military, NOT contract killer right?

OH and i'm Jeff

[deploy]

Military.

Nice to not really meet you Jeff.

[Wait, Jeff... How popular a name is Jeff on an alien moon?]

[bardish]

Nice to not really meet you too, John!

i can have that case of beer to you by Friday evening

[ BECAUSE HE IS A GROWNUP AND NEEDS TO WAIT FOR THE END OF THE WORK WEEK ]

[deploy]

Sounds good.

Be a pal and bring it cold.

@citharede

[citharede]

Dude I will give you TWO cases of beer for the furniture.

[ She can buy booze here!! ]

[bardish]

HEY!!

NO!

don't you screw me on this, kid!

[ He needs a BED, you teenaged demon! ]

[citharede]

You can have my bed! It's totally big enough and you definitely won't hang off the end.

[bardish]

You have a tiny bed made for dwarves and Keebler elves

[ Okay, no, her bed is totally normal-sized. But this is banter! They're just fooling around here! So please don't take offense to his remarks, any dwarves or Keebler Elves in the audience. ]

[deploy]

I see two cases of beer.

Do I see three? Three cases of beer? Anyone?