DO NOT BUY FURNITURE FROM QUARANTINE CRAIGSLIST!!!! (un: j.calhoun)

[bardish]

WARNING DO NOT BUY USED FURNITURE OFF THE NETWORK!! Some of the sellers here are VERY unscrupulous! I am now the proud owner of:

- 1 cursed endtable (IT KEEPS INSULTING MY MOTHER WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP??)

- 1 set of drawers that was housing a colony of space termites

- 1 mattress that is stained with either blood or cranberry juice or chocolate i'm not sure which. maybe all 3? now i have to sleep on a futon like i'm 19 yrs old again and it's KILLING my back

Anyway is anyone in the market for some gently used furniture?

[ jk jk he's not a big enough to dick to unload this NIGHTMARE FURNITURE onto anybody else. ]

Comments

NO NEVERMIND 1/1

[bardish]

Ok on the one hand i want to jump on this deal immediately

on the other this is how i ended up with a bloody mattress and a cursed endtable. you could be catfishing me with that attachment

[deploy]

What does catfishing have to do with furniture?

Buddy, you can rest assured that I have no intention of noodling you.

[bardish]

I

no i didn't think you wanted to noodle me

2/2

[bardish]

so do you have any preferences?

FOR BEER I MEAN not for noodling!

[deploy]

I'm easy either way.

1/2

[bardish]

ok great i'll surprise you

2/2

[bardish]

also you should probably tell me your name and where to meet you

Please don't be a serial killer or a scammer, man, because i'm REALLY counting on you here

[deploy]

John Sheppard.

Don't worry, I'm not a serial killer. I get paid to shoot people. I'm really good at it.

Scam wise? No offense, but it doesn't sound like you've got anything worth stealing. If I want a stained mattress of my own I'll check a dumpster.

[bardish]

[ John Sheppard?

...

Oh! He's heard of you! ]

military, NOT contract killer right?

OH and i'm Jeff

[deploy]

Military.

Nice to not really meet you Jeff.

[Wait, Jeff... How popular a name is Jeff on an alien moon?]

[bardish]

Nice to not really meet you too, John!

i can have that case of beer to you by Friday evening

[ BECAUSE HE IS A GROWNUP AND NEEDS TO WAIT FOR THE END OF THE WORK WEEK ]

[deploy]

Sounds good.

Be a pal and bring it cold.

@citharede

[citharede]

Dude I will give you TWO cases of beer for the furniture.

[ She can buy booze here!! ]

[bardish]

HEY!!

NO!

don't you screw me on this, kid!

[ He needs a BED, you teenaged demon! ]

[citharede]

You can have my bed! It's totally big enough and you definitely won't hang off the end.

[bardish]

You have a tiny bed made for dwarves and Keebler elves

[ Okay, no, her bed is totally normal-sized. But this is banter! They're just fooling around here! So please don't take offense to his remarks, any dwarves or Keebler Elves in the audience. ]

[deploy]

I see two cases of beer.

Do I see three? Three cases of beer? Anyone?