DO NOT BUY FURNITURE FROM QUARANTINE CRAIGSLIST!!!! (un: j.calhoun)

[bardish]

WARNING DO NOT BUY USED FURNITURE OFF THE NETWORK!! Some of the sellers here are VERY unscrupulous! I am now the proud owner of:

- 1 cursed endtable (IT KEEPS INSULTING MY MOTHER WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP??)

- 1 set of drawers that was housing a colony of space termites

- 1 mattress that is stained with either blood or cranberry juice or chocolate i'm not sure which. maybe all 3? now i have to sleep on a futon like i'm 19 yrs old again and it's KILLING my back

Anyway is anyone in the market for some gently used furniture?

[ jk jk he's not a big enough to dick to unload this NIGHTMARE FURNITURE onto anybody else. ]

Comments

text; @maverick

[deploy]

I didn’t know used mattress came without stains. They’re practically a design feature.

[bardish]

the stains aren't the problem per se

[ Per se. SOMEBODY'S BEING FANCY TONIGHT. ]

it's more the fact that they seem to be pretty fresh. And also blood?? call me a superstitious guy but that seems to be asking for a haunting

[ Look, he's not going to rule anything out, given the possibly-possessed endtable. ]

un: TheStrandInstitute

[nobasisinfact]

Clearly you can't be left to your own devices.

[He's not laughing at you Jeff, he's laughing at your life choices ... and also at you.]

Bring the mattress over and I'll see what I can do about the stain.

[bardish]

I've never had this much trouble with used furniture before! maybe i'm off my game...

[ YOU THINK, JEFF? ]

i think the mattress might need to be burned with sage and salt or something

text; un: o.grady

[alfa]

Buying a used mattress off the internet, sounds to me like you got just what you were asking for.

[ Yes he knows, technically not the internet but it's what passes off as that around here. ]

Actually, buying a used mattress at all? Bad idea. [ Even he knows that. ]

[bardish]

My last sketchy used mattress had a very good run actually

[ Not everyone can buy brand new mattresses like they're a Rockefeller or something! Granted, the last time he bought a sketchy used mattress, he was like, 20 and had no standards. ]

but I guess next time i'll refine my search to "mattresses not used in any murders or human sacrifices"

text; @wingingit

[volitaunt]

Oh.

Uh.

Sorry.

My roommate and I resold that endtable. I guess no one wants to keep it.

[bardish]

huh

well

Maybe it just needs to find a home with someone looking for a very mean and completely immobile pet

text: scavenger.rey

[talentedscavenger]

Why did you buy a stained mattress? Shouldn't that have been one of the first things you checked?

[bardish]

The guy who sold it to me seemed really cool so i took his word for it

also the side of the mattress i saw was blood/cranberry juice free

ice.tigrr; audio

[bespredel]

[ It's just five minutes of Yuri laughing hysterically. Because lord buddy, you got real fucked. ]

Jesus, you're either the most gullible fuck in the quarantine, or you have some seriously bad luck. Possibly both.

[bardish]

On the plus side, I get some fun new stories out of this.

text; @citharede

[citharede]

Jeff, I have a revelation for you.

I think some people think you're dumb.

[bardish]

i'm starting to get that impression too! jokes on them: i MIGHT be getting a free bedroom set out of this

[ Unless John's catfishing him. FINGERS CROSSED! ]

text; @ryo.asuka666

[apt666]

You may want to salt and burn everything. Consider holy water, too.

[bardish]

Can i just outsource to an old priest and a young priest?

audio; @altin

[bringbackgold]

Since you wrote such a shining ad for everything.

[ Obviously...kidding. ]

"Cursed"?

[bardish]

Oooor haunted! It could go either way, I think.

text; un: hds.goodsir

[bestsir]

I will admit to my Curiosity: what distinguishes a "Space Termite" from the terrestrial sort?

[bardish]

by my not-so-scientific observation: They're REALLY resilient fuckers!

text;

[tevinteraltus]

Why would you purchase used furniture?

[ This is a serious question. Also, so is this one: ]

If you've no use for the endtable, I would gladly have it.

[bardish]

because I'm not rolling in cash and it's WAAAAY cheaper than new furniture

Wait. you really want it?

text; @markus

[compartmentalise]

I have found those three items in several furniture stores. If you'd like to give me your style preferences, I can narrow down the search.

[Not really part of his function to help this guy buy furniture, but Markus doesn't really need the money himself, so why not]

[bardish]

wait

Are you offering to buy me furniture?

text; @sage

[muskeg]

.... i can try to break the curse on the endtable if you want?

at the very worst you might just end up with some ashes. or a weird portal to another world but at least that won't curse your mother. i think.

[bardish]

as tempting as a potential portal to another world IS... I let another guy have dibs on it!

Are portals and ashes common side effects of your magic?

text; un: pc.grant

[thestarling]

Wait how do you curse an end table? And why?

[ Peter is always here to ask the important questions. ]

[bardish]

[ IT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION. ]

oh man trust me there are so many ways you can curse an end table. or any inanimate object...

One time I cursed a bunch of my algebra teacher's office supplies. every time he had to write something down it was like playing (TOTALLY NONLETHAL!) russian roulette

[ Ahhh, youth. He was such a problem student. Maybe the fact that he's now a high school teacher is his penance. ]

anyway to answer your second question: because people are assholes

text; un: strange.magic

[suckstobestrange]

I'll take the end table if you still have it. It can sit in the living room and argue with the snakes.

[bardish]

man i was NOT expecting anyone to want that thing... i gave dorian dibs! maybe you guys can arrange for joint custody

[ Also, a very important question: ]

do your snakes talk?

( text; ) un: shigeru miyata

[mysophobic]

I can help you with the stains and the drawers too, ifthey're also messed up.

It shouldn't be a problem to remake them with my powers.

[bardish]

oh! thanks but uhhh

the mattress found a new home. In the dumpster...

[ BUT. He's intrigued. ]

What are your powers?

audio un:pnwsalex

[11calls]

[Alex does stupid things, but there are stupid things that Alex wouldn't do. Like this. So she's just going to sound amused. Sorry Jeff.]

So how long did it take before the end table started to insult your mother? Right after you picked it up?

Also jeez, Jeff even I wouldn't get a mattress off of Craigslist. Bedbugs are a thing, you know. At least at home anyway.

[bardish]

[ S I G H. ]

It waited a good twelve hours, first.

[ As for the mattress, geez, you get high and go secondhand furniture shopping on the network one time... ]

Well, I can safely say bedbugs weren't the problem here.

text | un: k.metz

[luxurist]

So does the table limit its insults to your mother, and does it only do this when you're trying to sleep?

[bardish]

oh no it's insulted other people too. One time it insulted my daughter but then i threatened to feed it to the space termite colony, so now it mostly sticks to insulting my mom

And i think this thing might just be nocturnal!

[ That's his super scientific observation based on the schedule the insulting table keeps. ]

@c.silva

[childofaxios]

[ You are not doing anything to build her confidence in your ability to take care of yourself Jeff. ]

I'm glad you got rid of those things.

[bardish]

[ He swears he can take care of himself!! ]

Me too. i promise that's not the norm for when i go furniture shopping!