DO NOT BUY FURNITURE FROM QUARANTINE CRAIGSLIST!!!! (un: j.calhoun)

[bardish]

WARNING DO NOT BUY USED FURNITURE OFF THE NETWORK!! Some of the sellers here are VERY unscrupulous! I am now the proud owner of:

- 1 cursed endtable (IT KEEPS INSULTING MY MOTHER WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP??)

- 1 set of drawers that was housing a colony of space termites

- 1 mattress that is stained with either blood or cranberry juice or chocolate i'm not sure which. maybe all 3? now i have to sleep on a futon like i'm 19 yrs old again and it's KILLING my back

Anyway is anyone in the market for some gently used furniture?

[ jk jk he's not a big enough to dick to unload this NIGHTMARE FURNITURE onto anybody else. ]

Comments

[volitaunt]

it wasn't even mean, it just kept getting in fights with my droid at two in the morning.

[bardish]

...can i ask which one tended to win these fights?

[ He's honestly just. VERY CURIOUS. ]

[volitaunt]

bb-8 would say he won most of the time but it was really 50/50

[bardish]

I'm sorry i'm just trying to picture these fights now

[ This is a thought that will haunt him for the rest of the night. ]

video

[volitaunt]

[ Cue DIZZY SPINNING as Poe reorients the camera on BB-8, who is currently welding a pipe under the sink because it broke and Poe it too cheap to call a plumber.

BB-8 swivels his head dome toward the camera and whistleboops. ]

Imagine a lot of that, really loudly.

[bardish]

[ omg Jeff wants an adorable droid to do his home repairs too! ]

Iiiii can see how that might be an issue at 2 in the morning.

[ BTW: ]

Hey! So, how're you doing? Now that we're no longer being held prisoner and all?

[volitaunt]

[ Well he can probably get BB-8 to do some of them?? At least the ones that require a welder.

--hngck.

Poe blanches for a second, taken off-guard by the question. He's doing fine, he is, but he's doing fine by virtue of not thinking about things. He's been doing fine by virtue of sleeping in a pile with Finn to avoid waking up out of nightmares of the Finalizer with stone corridors and First Order cultists. That is when he doesn't sleep in his mom's ship.

Poe clears his throat. ]

Better. I mean, it'd be hard to do worse I guess. What about you?

[bardish]

[ SORRY, POE. ]

Also better. [ He says that quickly, nodding. Yes. They are both two men who are doing well and definitely aren't traumatized at all. ] It's like I was never kidnapped by a death cult at all.

[volitaunt]

[ A snort because... because. ]

I wouldn't go that far. My back still hurts like hell.

[bardish]

Look on the bright side... That could just be a symptom of getting older, and not the...

[ SIGH. ]

Okay, even I can't make that line work.

[volitaunt]

Good effort.

[ He rubs his face with one hand and wanders into the living room, leaving BB-8 to fiddle with the plumbing as he sprawls on the couch. ]

Besides, I'm not old.

[ HE'S ONLY 32, THAT'S PRACTICALLY A TEENAGER. ]

[bardish]

[ Jeff tilts his head, peering at the screen, thinking... ]

I don't know... I think I just saw a grey hair there.

[ He kids, he kids. HE CAN TELL YOU'RE A BABY, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE ON THIS GODFORSAKEN MOON. ]

[volitaunt]

[ Poe touches his hair self-consciously. He would believe it, to be honest. He doesn't want to think about getting gray hair. It only drives home the fact that he's almost older than his mother was when she died. He's not ready for that. Even after twenty-four years, he's not ready to think about that.

He forces a casual tone. ]

Yeah, well, at least it's only one, grandpa.

[bardish]

[ Okay, buddy, despite that tone, Jeff can clearly tell that comment hit way harder than expected or intended. He frowns a little, momentarily, but it's there and gone pretty quickly. ]

Look, ah... I know we're both totally fine and everything, but... if you're ever not-fine, about what happened-- [ Or, like, LIFE IN GENERAL, honestly. ] --I can be a pretty good listener. And talker, too! I'm not making a great case for myself right now, but trust me on this.

[volitaunt]

[ He drapes an arm over his face and laughs quietly. ]

Fuck it. Want to get drinks?

[bardish]

[ He shrugs with a smile. ]

I could go for a drink.

I even know a place that does discounts for teachers. You can have my share. We'll scam the system.

[volitaunt]

Yeah?

[ Poe groans and sits up on the couch. ]

When you want to?

[bardish]

[ AND SO A MANLY HANGOUT WAS SCHEDULED. ]