DO NOT BUY FURNITURE FROM QUARANTINE CRAIGSLIST!!!! (un: j.calhoun)

[bardish]

WARNING DO NOT BUY USED FURNITURE OFF THE NETWORK!! Some of the sellers here are VERY unscrupulous! I am now the proud owner of:

- 1 cursed endtable (IT KEEPS INSULTING MY MOTHER WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP??)

- 1 set of drawers that was housing a colony of space termites

- 1 mattress that is stained with either blood or cranberry juice or chocolate i'm not sure which. maybe all 3? now i have to sleep on a futon like i'm 19 yrs old again and it's KILLING my back

Anyway is anyone in the market for some gently used furniture?

[ jk jk he's not a big enough to dick to unload this NIGHTMARE FURNITURE onto anybody else. ]

Comments

[luxurist]

Imagine, you could be the first one it's had the chance to practice on in ages! You could simply be breaking its little wooden heart, putting it up for circulation.

I'm inclined to agree with you, though is it strange I was kind of hoping for a sentient table? I've seen all sorts of creatures of varying sentience back home, but a table? Now, that would be something new.

[bardish]

It should've thought of that before it made so many rude comments about my mother's sexual history!

[ He's really not as offended as he might sound. The endtable's a jerk, sure! But he knows if his mother were here, she'd find humor in its comments... and then probably try to engage in an impassioned conversation with it.

Ah, growing up with hippie parents... ]

Huh, now i'm wondering...

What if it's made from a sentient tree?? if that was the case, then it's no wonder it's so grouchy

[luxurist]

Well, nobody's perfect? Maybe it's just rusty with social graces. Or insults are the extent of them... either way.

...Ah. [ The thought actually makes her feel a smidgen bad. That's an accomplishment. ] I think I'd be insulting people's mothers too in that situation. Were I a sentient tree, I'd at the very least like to be made into an interesting piece of furniture. A bed, perhaps.