video; un: sg.rogers

[livingsymbol]

[Steve is restless and it shows. He's looking at the camera almost like he's waiting for it to jump out at him or he's challenging it in some way. While he's making an attempt to look friendly, he's also giving the network a far too serious amount of effort, like he's trying too hard at presenting what he has to say. Steve has a message and apparently it is An Important Issue.]

I'm starting a book club. If any of you have some things you'd like to share, I figure it can't hurt to get together and look at them as a group. If you're interested, let me know. I need the experience. Maybe some of you do too.


[ooc: While Steve says "book club" what he's really doing is creating meeting sessions for people to try new things using a book someone likes as a launching point. It's an interactive book club for trying new hobbies. Because Steve has to get his hands dirty at all times. If you're interested, I will make some book club related logs for sharing activities and messes as well.]

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki contemplates this. He gives up easily. He sees despair easily. That's his nature. But perhaps now, more than ever, his nature should be fought. Not to change into someone unrecognizable, but to finally become someone more. ]

I promise.

[livingsymbol]

[ Loki does give up easily. Which Steve can't make sense of sometimes. ]

If you leave, I want it to be because that's what you really want. And you won't know that for sure unless you give the alternative a decent chance.

Even if we screw up. And I'm tired of people saying what they think I think. Or how you think I'll react!

[dothelokimotion]

I know.

[ He's familiar with that particular hangup. ]

It was wrong of me.

[ There isn't much life in his tone. He sounds repetant, but he mostly sounds tired. ]

[livingsymbol]

Yeah, it was.

[The sting is still there and likely will be for a time, but at least he understands more now.]

You can be honest with me. That's all I want. Everything else, if it's you, that's fine.

[dothelokimotion]

It's still me.

[ Not a lie, not a promise. Not much of anything. ]

[livingsymbol]

[Steve doesn't know what to do with that. He frowns, the crease of frustration returning to his face.]

Hm.

[dothelokimotion]

I have not changed.

[ Though it feels that way. He has more periods of despondency that he's trying to fight off. He's trying to piece himself together, with the words others have given him, lifelines binding his heart together. But the fall he took this time was steep. Loki exhales, pushing it back. ]

[livingsymbol]

I know.

[It's not change that Steve is looking for. Unlike Loki, he never did think the god needed to change. Finding a reason to reach out doesn't mean changing who he is to Steve, who just sees those actions as another choice to be made. Instead, he's sore about Loki apparently choosing to shut him out, and like a cat outside of a closed door, he's offended.]

You don't have to explain.

[dothelokimotion]

[ He shakes his head. ]

I do. Better to bare my skin than to let it fester. And I have festered enough.

[livingsymbol]

[ The way Steve glances over is sulky and reluctant. He doesn't want to give in even though there's no real reason to drag out his hurt feelings.

This is what you get from a man this stubborn. ]

...So what will you do now?

[dothelokimotion]

Well I . . . cannot go home. Thor is — alive, at least.

[ He accomplished that much. The sole victory Thanos cannot wring from him. He touches his neck absently. ]

No Asgard, no Thor — I will have to learn what it means to be Loki on my own.

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve nods at that response slowly. ]

It's a start. A beginning.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki falters. ]

I — I don't want it.

[ He wanted to be with Asgard. Help build it. He wanted to make himself into something new that his people would love. So many ideas, so many dreams, just — gone. Because of him. Because Loki lived on borrowed time and he knew that. ]

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve sighs deeply. ]

I'm sorry.

[dothelokimotion]

[ His lips twitch slightly. ]

There's no need for that.

[livingsymbol]

For what?

[dothelokimotion]

To be sorry.

You don't have anything to apologize for.

[livingsymbol]

I'm not apologizing for me.

I'm just sorry it happened to you.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Well that just seems silly. Loki had it coming. But he demurs. ]

Of course.

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve raises an eyebrow at that answer, because he's started to realize that it's Loki's non-answer. ]

Uh-huh.

[dothelokimotion]

[ If he says anything else to this, Loki will damn himself. He wouldn't lie to Steve and there is only so much evasiveness afforded to him at this time. ]

Regardless — The fault is my own — [ yours, always yours, who else would it be? ] — I am sorry.

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve just frowns. ]

Is that really supposed to make me feel better?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki doesn't say anything to that, pausing. ]

What would make you feel better?

[livingsymbol]

Not that.

[ Steve gives Loki a serious look. ]

I don't care whose fault it is. That doesn't change anything. I don't want to hear that it's you any more than I want to hear that it's anyone else that made it happen. You made a choice. Fine.

[dothelokimotion]

Steve.

[ His voice cracks. ]

My choice was not to stop loving you. It was not to give you up. I still hold to those choices. My choice was — I got scared. I'm still scared.