CAUTION: BEWARE OF STUDENTS (video; un: j.calhoun)

[bardish]

[ Here's Jeff Calhoun, wizard dad/teacher of youths, broadcasting live from his classroom at Gramarye. It looks a bit... chaotic right now, as there are winged origami hearts flapping around, and some kids equipped with butterfly nets and... y'know, magic, trying to round them up.

Amidst the chaos, the hearts are chirping out what sounds suspiciously like people's names, which the kids are reacting to with various degrees of shouted denials and peals of laughter.

Meanwhile, Jeff looks about as harried as if he's reporting from a warzone. But he puts on a nervous smile and waves at the camera. ]

Hey-- hi! Uh, so... one of my students got a little too into the spirit of Dragosta and brought these [ GESTURING TO THE BAT-WINGED MENACES. ] lovely cards in to share with his classmates and--

[ NO, he can't keep the charade up! ]

Okay, look, he pranked the class. And it's gone totally out of control! A batch of these little fuckers-- [ Cough. A student mock-gasps, 'Language, Mr. Calhoun!' Cue: adolescent giggling. ] --little... scamps... flew out the window, so if you see any? Don't be alarmed, and for the love of god, don't throw rocks or anything at them! If you miss, that projectile of yours will come crashing down on some innocent bystander, and I can't have that blood on my hands, because it's totally my fault for leaving the window open in the first place and failing to rule my classroom with an iron fist and--

[ BREATHE, JEFF. It's just, look, he's pretty sure this is some kind of karmic retribution for all the teachers he terrorized as a teenager, himself. ]

Uh, so just. Ignore them! They're harmless, really. All they do is follow you around shouting the name of whoever you might have a crush on.

[ Hence the kids' reactions to the various names the cards are shouting. Their secret crushes, revealed! It's totally embarrassing! ]

The enchantment should wear off in a couple of days!

[ Meanwhile, one of the origami hearts from hell lands on his desk and starts to chirp a name... but all it manages to get out is a 'CAM--' before Jeff's swatting it with a notebook. SHUSH, HEART.

...

Gosh, he actually feels kind of bad for smashing it with a notebook. Poor enchanted bat-heart... Jeff seems to remember he's still recording, so he flashes another nervous 'EVERYTHING'S FINE' smile at the camera. ]

Okay, that's all, I gotta get back to cleanup-- Bye!

[ But hey, FEEL FREE TO SAY YOUR CHARACTER'S BEING TERRORIZED BY ONE OF THESE HEARTS AS WE SPEAK. ]

Comments

[bardish]

[ You know, Jeff hates that even though he has to disapprove of this prank on so many levels, hearing 'JOH--' does fill him with curiosity.

WHO'S JOH?? ]

I was thinking something a little less cruel and unusual... Like a very long essay.

[volitaunt]

It's magic. Can't you make these things follow them instead? There's got to be a way to do that.

[ BB-8 outraged whistles are accompanied by muffled and high-pitched yelling from the other room. ]

[bardish]

[ NO, POE, HE CAN'T. Well, theoretically he could, but he won't, for so many reasons he's not going to get into! ]

Mixing magic can lead to all kinds of bad [ Quickly glancing back at his students before lowering his voice: ] shit. It's honestly better to just let the spell run its course. As, uh... annoying as it is.

[volitaunt]

[ Poe throws up his hands. Or, y'know, hand, since he's holding on to his phone thing. ]

Does magic ever do any good? [ A PAUSE, as he realizes magic is probably the reason Jyn and Cassian are alive. ] Never mind. But still.

[bardish]

Hey! It totally does! All the time!

[ Okay, so maybe he's a little bit defensive, as a wizard and all. He has to defend magic, even if he's too fucked up to do it himself anymore. ]

But, you know, teenagers and magic? You're likely to get shenanigans, more often than not.

[volitaunt]

[ A GUSTY SIGH. ]

I guess so. I never did anything like that. [ IF BB-8 WERE HERE HE WOULD BE CALLING BULLSHIT. ] How long does this last?

[bardish]

[ Jeff rubs the back of his neck. ]

Oh, ah. I did. [ As for how long it lasts? ]

Maybe 72 hours? I don't see these things lasting more than a few days.

[volitaunt]

[ PAUSE. ] Okay, I might have. Once or twice.

[ More than that. Definitely more times. ]

Seventy-two hours? Do they stick to one person or can I release them into the wild? Can we kill them?

[ HE DOESN'T NEED A TALKING HEART FOLLOWING HIM TO WORK, JEFF. ]

[bardish]

You can release them! Or kill them. I mean, I guess it's not really killing them since they're just enchanted scraps of paper...

[volitaunt]

[ An exhale of VERY PALPABLE RELIEF. ]

Good. Good to both things. I don't have to feel bad setting them on fire.

[ Poe don't set flying paper on fire that's a terrible idea. ]

[bardish]

Poe, don't set flying paper on fire. That's a terrible idea.

[ SORRY, I HAD TO. ]

[volitaunt]

[ LOOK--

Grudgingly: ]

I guess it might land in Solo's tank, which probably wouldn't be good for him.

[bardish]

Oh-- oh! [ IDEA. ] Get it wet! That might make it too soggy to fly!

[volitaunt]

[ HMMM. ]

Probably better than fire. I--

[ ALARMED BOOPING FROM THE OTHER ROOM. Poe yanks the door open to see one of the little hearts still fluttering out of reach and BB-8 blasting the other one with his extinguisher as it burns a hole into the floor. ]

...So much for that deposit.

[bardish]

[ UHHHHHHHH.......

Jeff is watching in helpless horror from the other end of the camera! ]

What if... I sent the prankster over to help fix your floor and teach him the value of... hard work?

[ Look, Jeff can't make any promises, but... IT'S LIKE RESTORATIVE JUSTICE? ]

[volitaunt]

Bee might tase him.

[ Poe might ask Bee to tase him. ]

[bardish]

He's 14! That's too young to be tased! I mean, I happen to think every age is too young to be tased, but especially 14!

[volitaunt]

He's fourteen and he managed this?

[ Okay, Poe is impressed in spite of himself--

And here comes the other heart, fluttering toward his head with a cry of JO-- Poe slams the door again. ]

[bardish]

Yeah, he's a really smart ki--

[ OOPS.

Is it saying 'Joe'? Jeff's racking his brains trying to think of a Joe-- NO, STOP. This isn't his business!!

It's just, y'know, he's a curious person. And curiosity killed the bard-- no, wait, that's not a saying, nobody says that. ]

Should I, uh... Pretend I'm not hearing any of that?

private;

[volitaunt]

[ POE DEBATES WHETHER OR NOT TO SAY ANYTHING but at least he can say it privately. ]

It's nothing. It's wrong anyway. [ HE AND JOH JOE ARE JUST FRIENDS!! ]

private;

[bardish]

[ UHHHHH (pt. 2)... ]

Oh...

[ Should he say it? He'll say it. ]

That's a whole lot of private filter for nothing.

[volitaunt]

[ HNNNGNHGHNGHGN why this.

Poe scrubs a hand through his hair. ]

John. It's saying John. He's one of the pilots, in the... Doesn't matter--it's complicated. Anyway it's wrong.

[bardish]

Is this same John who--

You know what, nevermind, I won't pry as to the identity of this particular John.

[ UNLESS YOU WANNA SPILL MORE, POE. ]

I mean, we're talking about a prank spell concocted by a teenager. It's not like this is the word of god we're dealing with.

[ THAT BEING SAID... ]

So it's complicated and wrong?

[volitaunt]

The same John who what?

[ THE SAME JOHN WHO WHAT, JEFF???? ]

I-- That-- Yes.

[ V convincing. A slightly helpless look on Poe's part. ]

It can't be right. [ Because reasons. ]

[bardish]

Whoooo... gave me non-cursed furniture in exchange for beer. We hang out.

[ Like, in a friend way! ]

Oh, okay. But... uh. How come it can't be right?