2 [anonymous//video]

[smokedout]

[The video starts up a bit like an old 70's VHS tape; grainy quality, washed-out colors, that weird lilt in the music as it starts up. The specific music that plays is a bright and cheery tune from the 50's, like something one would find on the shopping channel back in the day.

What it actually shows is a crude puppet, with a scribbled-on baseball for a head and googly eyes that have weirdly realistic irises. It seems to be made to exist in a permanent state of shock, or... terror. Everything about the image is just a little bit wrong.]

Hey you! Yes, you!

[The words appear on a sort of title card, like a silent film, as if the creator hasn't mixed around with his vintage inspiration enough. And then the puppet can be seen spinning to look at the screen, its eyes jostled in their plastic sockets. Gross.]

Are you in need of PROTECTION AGAINST MONSTERS? Do you suspect someone isn't TELLING THE TRUTH?
Do you enjoy the RUSH OF FEAR? Do you seek to TEST YOUR LOYALTIES?
Do you wish to DEEPEN YOUR BONDS? (Or LIVEN YOUR INTIMATE LIFE?)

[In the style of certain vintage-themed video games, the puppet can be seen in between these pitches engaged in actions related to each question. Pointing a spear at a stuffed animal of some monster. Crying at his bedside. Hiding from shadows in a corner of a room. Shoving another puppet off of a cliff. Hugging another equally not-quite-right puppet... and then a very crude display in the last clip (but at least they're not anatomically correct).

Finally the brand name flashes across the screen, in bright, rainbow, neon letters.]

LAMPYR
is here for you.

Enroll below for beta testing of this sensational product!

[At the very bottom of the screen, very small and blurry text flashes by very fast; if one goes through it frame-by-frame and squints they may notice the words "Test subjects will be selected randomly. Experiments will occur when subjects least expect." Some frames also seem to be replaced by arcane symbols and satanic imagery, as if to scare those trying to read the small text. If one is watching at normal speed, this all flashes by in the blink of an eye before the video suddenly cuts out. Hmm...]

Comments

text; un: Sly Blue

[bottombitch]

[ Oh, this is... really weird. Seems super sketchy. Aoba just goes right ahead and writes a brief review. 1/5 stars for sure, would go lower if he could. ]

What kind of product does all those things?! And that mascot was creepy!

You heard it here first: SOUNDS FAKE.

@anonymous/text

[smokedout]

Different flavors for different effects. It's a simple concept.

We live on a moon, taken in by a portal that connects us to every alternate reality that we could possibly imagine. All things considered, Lampyr is a tame product compared to its potential.

[bottombitch]

But you just asked a bunch of questions, you didn't even say what the product really does!

This smells really fishy.

@a.parrish; private

[antietam]

How long did this take you?

private forever

[smokedout]

My chalice self was nice enough to finish it up for me, but... a couple weeks?

[Not that the video quality shows it at all, but listen. He has no idea how to video edit. It's a miracle he did it this well.]

[antietam]

Wow. [ This should not have taken that long. But at least Dodger was being productive(?). ]

I have to ask. Is this supposed to be highly suspicious and foreboding of what's to come?

@2cool | text

[glitterpants]

<sub>[ The baseball brings back some fond memories or home, oddly enough. He's almost certain one of his younger brothers would jump straight into this just because of the baseball. In fact, this entire video seemed very much like Jyushimatsu anyway-- erratic, unnerving... and baseball.

It takes Karamatsu awhile to respond, but then: ]</sub>

So what you're saying is this will get me laid, right?
_{[ oh my god.. ]}

[smokedout]

Guaranteed, at whichever speed you prefer.

[That is just about the creepiest response you could give. Good job, Dodger.]

[glitterpants]

Whoever I want as well?
_{[ Y I K E S. ]}

[ text | un: trickster ]

[dothelokimotion]

So which is it? Protection? Mood modifiers?

Or is it simply for people who lack this so called love life?

[ Loki likes a good prank. Especially one this creative, but it feels the aim got away from them. ]

[smokedout]

A mood modifier at its core. Some moods can be weaponized, some can be used strategically, some simply satisfy a need for one's self. The specific use is really up to the consumer.

[dothelokimotion]

How convenient. And how would the consumer decide such a thing?

text: un: ny4n

[ichimyatsu]

gee this doesn't look even remotely illegal or anything

[smokedout]

Lampyr is a completely legal and safe product.

[Is he making his response sound like an email scam on purpose? Maybe.]

[ichimyatsu]

when you're enrolling people for beta testing you've got no proof of that. try again.

video; un: ghostking

[deathkid]

I don't think I've heard that kind of music since... [ pauses to think about it. ] Well, since it came out.

[smokedout]

Nostalgic, isn't it?

The oldies always have a nice ring to them. Friendly.

[Persuasive.]

[deathkid]

I'm also pretty sure I've started horror video games that start with advertisements like this.

[ like, c'mon dude, this is so sketchy. and sketchy is kinda nico's thing. ]

How much have you sold?

text; @meow

[maskerading]

[ is this spam ]

I wonder if I can get adblock for my phone.

[smokedout]

Advertisements aren't common on this network, so it wouldn't be profitable to get one. You're out of luck.

text; @RuffRabbit

[bunnyblock]

Emotional effects only?

[Short, sweet, to the point.]

[smokedout]

The test batch includes anger, honesty, fear, envy, grief, affection and lust. You should never underestimate the potential of a bottled emotion.

[text: un shigeru miyata]

[mysophobic]

Can it really do all those things? Can it help...get rid of someone's fears too?

[ Oh my god Shigeru, no. ]

1/2

[smokedout]

[Christ no... if there's anyone he'd actually feel bad about tricking, it's Shigeru.]

2/2

[smokedout]

[...But Dodger, veritable Icarus that he is, is completely sure he can keep this under control.]

That is not a current feature, but it would be a very worthy pursuit. If you'd be willing to test the product in its development, we would be happy to help you.