video; un: sg.rogers

[livingsymbol]

[Steve is restless and it shows. He's looking at the camera almost like he's waiting for it to jump out at him or he's challenging it in some way. While he's making an attempt to look friendly, he's also giving the network a far too serious amount of effort, like he's trying too hard at presenting what he has to say. Steve has a message and apparently it is An Important Issue.]

I'm starting a book club. If any of you have some things you'd like to share, I figure it can't hurt to get together and look at them as a group. If you're interested, let me know. I need the experience. Maybe some of you do too.


[ooc: While Steve says "book club" what he's really doing is creating meeting sessions for people to try new things using a book someone likes as a launching point. It's an interactive book club for trying new hobbies. Because Steve has to get his hands dirty at all times. If you're interested, I will make some book club related logs for sharing activities and messes as well.]

Comments

[ private; video ]

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve raises his head in a gesture that is probably familiar to Loki. He's being forcibly proud and aloof, just to show how unaffected he is. ]

I can read too. I like books.

[ You aren't the only one that reads, Loki! ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ His lips twitch slightly. Loki looks better at least, though thinner and more worn around the edges, but he's getting there. ]

I know. It is a good idea.

[livingsymbol]

[Oh... Well, he's still mad!]

Yeah, it is. [Huff.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Still angry then. Not that Loki can blame him. It is a little amusing to see Steve like this. It's been a while. ]

No doubt you'll make the most of it.

[livingsymbol]

What's that supposed to mean?

[At least he's entertaining to someone. At the moment Steve is pulling his saltiest tantrum.]

[dothelokimotion]

That you will make something good.

[ Loki says out of this, out of me, but that's . . . not something he wants to admit either. He picks at his skin absently. ]

[livingsymbol]

[Good. He doesn't feel good. Not about anything. Especially lately.]

Will I? Why would you say that?

[dothelokimotion]

Perhaps I just want to believe in goodness.

[ That it exists even in periphery to Loki, though he's clearly incapable of causing it and creating it. Thor may be proud, Taako may say he's loved and that keeps him anchored, but the truth of it can't be denied.

But he appreciates the lies given for his sake. He knows the shades it can take. ]

Saving Thor and choosing to love you were the best things I've ever done.

[livingsymbol]

[ It feels bad to hear Loki say that. He wants to believe and Steve, by instinct, he wants to give Loki a reason to. But after the things that have happened recently he doesn't think he can. It's out of his control and it still feels like failure.

He never knows when to quit. ]

So you loved me because you thought I was good. And I guess it turns out that it wasn't good enough.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Oh. Loki purses his lips as he tries to weight his words. ]

No, Steve.

I loved you for me and I loved you for you. Not because of your symbols or what other people thought or saw you for.

I loved you because I thought I was good. And you believed so strongly that I can be.

[ A beat and for the first time, he looks away. ]

I wasn't. I still am not and most likely, will never be.

[livingsymbol]

[ It comes up like fire from the earth. A molten liquid under pressure, screaming its way out of him with force he has no hope of holding back. Steve's head snaps up and he snarls, glaring at Loki with that white hot flash of anger. ]

Why do you care so much about what I think?! You don't know what I can do.

You keep talking about yourself like you've never done anything nice to anyone in your life, and that's the biggest lie I've ever heard!

[If he had a table to slam his hand down on, he'd do it, but lacking that he just waves his arm in an arc like he's trying to catch some escaping air.]

None of us are perfect! None of us. Being good isn't measured in how many things you do or what people think of you. If it were, I wouldn't be half as good as you make me out to be anyway. Not everyone sees what you see.

I just wish you'd take some goddamn time to love yourself!

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki quails. Not because of the force of the reaction but it hearkens to what he was told before. "I'm tired of myself" Loki had said and Taako replied "The rest of us aren't." It is hard though. He always needed someone to tell him. His father, Thor. But it hadn't occurred to him that he was using Steve the same way. Even though Loki had promised otherwise.

He truly was the worst. ]

I got my people killed. I got myself killed. The one good thing I did, I ruined.

I . . . can't shake it off.

[livingsymbol]

[ The energy is still there, tight under Steve's skin and waiting, but the anger subsides. He looks down, because there is nothing anyone can say to make those things right. No pep talk or magic fix that will repair death or loss. He knows that. ]

I wouldn't have asked you to.

[dothelokimotion]

Maybe not.

[ Loki exhales quietly. ]

But I just can't see it anymore. I am — bruised. I do not know if it'll come back to me. If I can rebuild. And you are not my nursemaid. You were mine.

What would you have asked of me?

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve breathes out. Not a sigh, but a tired breath anyway as he focuses his energy on calming down. ]

Being good and being successful don't always go hand in hand. If that were true, everyone would probably do it a lot more often and no one would have to suffer. Helping people, doing good for anyone, including yourself, is hard. It's not guaranteed to work out even when you try. But if you do try, that's all anyone can ask of you. You tried. You made an attempt, which is something not everyone does.

Not just you, Loki. You're not the only one who's ever gotten people hurt when they've tried to help them or failed to protect yourself when the danger got too great. Those things don't cancel out what you do. You don't mean less because of them. What happened to you... I'm sorry it did. I can't make that right for you either.

But I would have tried.

[dothelokimotion]

Would you try now?

[ As pathetic as Loki is now, with the way he's hurt Steve. Hurt so many others. He knows what Captain America would say but — ]

Would you have tried as Steve and me as . . . [ He swallows. ] . . . Me as Loki?

[livingsymbol]

I'm still me, you know.

No matter what happened, you never had anything else. I wish you would have given me the chance to make a choice first.

[dothelokimotion]

. . .

And now? If I give you that?

[livingsymbol]

[He still wants to be angry, but after that confession, it feels too much even for him.]

I stand by what I said. You need to give yourself a chance. Otherwise, you'll just end up back here again eventually.

[dothelokimotion]

I — I don't know how.

[ He's never fully supported himself. He's relied on others. Even when he was away from Asgard, he clung to their aspirations. And Loki continued to replace them or gather people who could give his life meaning.

How is he supposed to love himself? ]

[livingsymbol]

Well, we can work on that.

[ Because that is actually a fair point. He can't expect Loki to build those skills overnight. ]

If you promise me that you'll actually try. And you won't give up just because it gets hard.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki contemplates this. He gives up easily. He sees despair easily. That's his nature. But perhaps now, more than ever, his nature should be fought. Not to change into someone unrecognizable, but to finally become someone more. ]

I promise.

[livingsymbol]

[ Loki does give up easily. Which Steve can't make sense of sometimes. ]

If you leave, I want it to be because that's what you really want. And you won't know that for sure unless you give the alternative a decent chance.

Even if we screw up. And I'm tired of people saying what they think I think. Or how you think I'll react!

[dothelokimotion]

I know.

[ He's familiar with that particular hangup. ]

It was wrong of me.

[ There isn't much life in his tone. He sounds repetant, but he mostly sounds tired. ]

[livingsymbol]

Yeah, it was.

[The sting is still there and likely will be for a time, but at least he understands more now.]

You can be honest with me. That's all I want. Everything else, if it's you, that's fine.